Drowning
by NostalgieMalaak
Summary: COMPLETE. This is a strange story. Quatre is having a difficult time with his empathic abilities and dealing with his past. The other pilots have come to his side, but can they help him?
1. Dreams of a Child

**Drowning **

Pairings: none

Quatre's POV

Warnings: mental suffering for Quatre, child experimentation

Disclaimer: I don't think I own them…one sec…no? oh ok then. No I don't own them.

* * *

_Have I ever floated over the world, drifting, randomly stretching languid tendrils of the mind trying to fathom the thoughts of a generation? Sometimes it feels like I've been there forever. Endless nights burning into bright cold days filled with wanton lustful hate and placid dreams of innocence. I think I can hear space sing…I think it sings to me in the farthest background of my mind and when I sleep in comes into me in a heady rush of plastic lights and kaleidoscope melodies. There's a rumbling sound to it, like the Earth grinding against itself, gnashing dried lava teeth. And then there's space all around it that hums with crystalline clarity. It's so pure and infinite it makes me want to cry and be sick all at the same time.  
  
I think the desert is like space sometimes. There's a constant_ shusch shusch _of sliding sands and an inferno of howling winds. There are winds in space. Stellar winds. They make the_ shusch shusch_ sound too. Only in space it comes like an echo. There's a lot of space for sliding sand sounds to echo around in.  
  
I used to think others could listen to the universe like I do. I'm not so silly anymore. Once, when I was small, I asked my father if he could hear the soundless voices. I wasn't allowed to leave my home after that. Perhaps it was because if other people knew about me they would take me away, and Father would have been very sad. He used to look at me with the pain feeling in his heart and despair in his eyes. I didn't understand that look until the soldiers came for me.  
  
I am unique, they said. I am a special little boy, they whispered. Now I'll be able to share that with everyone, they smirked, as they filled my blood up with ice blue chemicals and let the pain come into my body.  
  
There were long days of staring at six white walls while waiting for blue pain to creep into every inch of my still body. There were long days too of being strapped to cold steel and having the needles come into my body. There were long days too when I knew nothing of what went on. These were the days I floated. I touched them, those bright pained souls and made them better. I shared myself with them. Some I couldn't help. Better to feel the pain of the world than my own. Better to be alive through the dying than be dead while still alive.  
  
Then just as suddenly as fate or Allah or both had thrown me into void I was sucked back out, ready to resume the life of a normal not-normal boy child.  
  
Oh, little desert child. Oh, little child of space. Little child of burning sands and freezing oblivion can you hear them whispering? Can you hear the toneless voices as you float? Do you feel their pain? Do you? Yes, yes…please…no more…please…no…no please…yes please…  
  
It doesn't stop. The voices filled with nothing more or less than pure emotion. Do you hear it? Does it scream in your head in the restless depths of night? Yes, or course. How could I not help? How could I be still while the restless murders of countless people passed through my brain in agitated flashes of brilliant agony? I left behind my morals and beliefs with the warmth of a loving and misunderstanding family. "Once more unto the breach, dear friends…" 1  
  
If I thought that feeling pain from afar was terrible, it was nothing to the shredding anguish of blinking out fragile sparks of life with my own hands. There were others like me; made strong with resolve and tempered with the impetuosity and ignorance of youth. They were my comrades, my brothers-in-arms-and-legs-and-blood stained hands and wild minds and righteous souls…they were mine and I was theirs.  
  
Now I am returned to the cold concreted rebreathed airless space that is space and is my home. And I find that I am alone. Alone with blue chemical dreams and motionless floating and the condemnation of Allah where there is no god, or he is hiding, or he is lost. Or I am lost.  
  
I have reached out to soothe and reached out to kill and either way it is power. Perhaps the men who thought nothing of destroying the mind of a pale faced Arab child were right. I share myself with everyone whether it is my pale hand brimming with love and sincerity or the hand extended with blood dripping from long digits and bleak death flooding the veins in my wrists. "It's nice to make someone alive and it's nice to make someone dead. Either way. That power is what I like best in the world. The struggle is every day not to use it."_ 2  
  
_Not a day goes by that I forget the time I spent in white-walled hell. It burns me like dry ice. Something inevitably reminds me of it. A man wearing glasses, a sterile hallway, a fist clenched so tightly that the blood has run back up the arm to suffocate the brain… And everyday my empathy expands, taking me over little by little. It's like being in the tub when my father used to wash me, after the chemicals had destroyed my muscles and I could only lie and dream of souls. My father used to hold my head up out of the water so it wouldn't rush with warm soap filled gulps into my mouth. Now my father isn't here. The tub keeps expanding and nothing I can do will stop it. What was once a thin trickle of water is now a gushing faucet's worth. There's no one here to hold my head above the flood now.  
  
I'm afraid like I haven't been since the war with mortar shells blowing above my head. I'm afraid with child-fear. The kind that makes me wish for the strong arms of my father and his comforting smell of laundry detergent and Turkish cigars. Only he's not here. And my brothers -in-arms and legs and hands and minds and souls aren't here.  
  
I feel like I'm drowning._ _

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_What did people think? Good, bad? Should I keep going with this or just quit now before I forever more mar the name of fanfiction? A review or two would be greatly appreciated! 

-NostalgieMalaak

1 From Shakespeare's The Life of King Henry the Fifth

2 From Caryl Churchill's A Mouthful of Birds


	2. Triggering Memories

Drowning: Chapter 2  
  
**Triggered Memories**  
  
Pairings: none  
  
Quatre's POV  
  
Warnings: none  
  
Disclaimer: don't own Gundam Wing or anything that comes from Gundam universe

* * *

Rosin smells like spice. I've noticed this. It's a heady, sharp scent. Every time I go to rosin my bow I take out the small cake of it and hold it up to my nose and breathe in. Sometimes when I look at it I get the urge to lick it. Just to see if it tastes how it smells. Is that strange? I guess so. But then again I've always been a bit strange.  
  
My favorite music to play on the violin is Bach. Partitas. Sonatas. My favorite is the Ciaconna from Partita No. 2 in D minor. It's so powerful and yet hauntingly beautiful all at the same time.  
  
I was called that once. Hauntingly beautiful. It was right before I left the hospital. The nurse touched my cheek with the back of her hand. There was sympathy and a little bit of pity in her eyes and she said those words: hauntingly beautiful.  
  
I have never really considered myself all that beautiful. In fact, for an Arab, I am down-right strange looking. I used to hate the way I looked. Maybe I still do. I've heard that some teenagers cut themselves when they start thinking that way. My self-destructive weapon of choice was a brown magic marker. As a child I spent hours coloring on myself until my arms or legs were completely covered with sticky washable ink.  
  
I have urges to lick rosin and use my skin as my own personal coloring book. By Allah, I'm weird. "A bit strange" doesn't even begin to cover it.  
  
I haven't even touched on the freakiest part about me yet. Sometimes I just wander off. In my mind I mean. Some people use humor as a defense mechanism. I have extra-sensory perception. Don't laugh. It's not funny. Ok, maybe a little.  
  
I've been empathic for as long as I can remember, which is quite far back. Most people don't, or won't understand what I can do. Some people have tried. By force. They…no. Don't start. Don't start Cat. Please…oh Allah. Don't start because after you do there's no turning back. Don't even think about it. Think about something else. Think about Bach and how hauntingly beautiful it is…  
  
_I was hauntingly beautiful. I was right before I left the hospital…**Newtype holocaust is what they'll call it**...Oh Allah I'm floating! I'm drifting! Stretching languid tendrils of my mind…  
  
Father is there…drifting in and out of my naked subconscious. Holding my little hand in his large one as I lay in the sterile hospital bed, waiting for the doctors to come tell him his son was locked away from the world and toyed with like an animal...**He can feel for others**...He's smiling at me like I was his little boy again. I still am his little boy, but now he's not here to hold my head above the waves…_  
  
So Bach. Ya. He was pretty great. Heh.  
  
I don't even know why I try to fool myself anymore. The episodes come more and more frequently now. Sometimes there are even so many as ten a day. It's hard for me to concentrate. They never last long, but I spend most of my days worrying until there are sick little knots in my stomach. Will one be triggered now? Or now? Or how about in the middle of a board meeting? Will that be a convenient time for you Mr. Winner?  
  
I can feel them start to come. There's a heavy pressure in the back of my mind and everything disconnects. Sometimes I can pull myself back. But lately it's harder and harder to do. Like digging fingernails into a mountain of wet tissue paper. Other times I just let myself go. It's nice just to be able to go away for a little while.  
  
My sisters worry of course. But there isn't anything they can do really. It's the job of parents to comfort their sick children. But my father is gone, and he was the only parent I ever had. My chest aches when I think about him. My stomach hurts and my chest aches and I just wish it would all go away.  
  
Relena is visiting tomorrow. Ever the pacifist. She reminds me so much of what I used to be like. Of what I used to wish I could be for my children. She's checking up on the colony, making her rounds as she always does. I'll talk to her tomorrow. Not about my problems though. She has enough to worry about. I'll talk to her tomorrow. Maybe she knows where the other pilots are. Maybe they would…? No. Don't start. Please don't. It's too soon. It's too soon! It's too soon…  
  
_my brothers -in-arms and legs and hands and minds and souls aren't here  
  
"Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief"_ 1  
  
_They won't let me drown. They can't. They are my friends, my comrades, my brothers. They'll be here soon and they won't let me drown._

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Well there's chapter 2. A little short, but that's how it came out. What did people think? A review would be most appreciated.  
  
Big thanks to Jurie-chan and Mlaine for the reviews.  
  
-NostalgieMalaak

1 Quote by Joseph Addison


	3. Crying for Help

Drowning: Chapter 3  
  
**Crying for Help**  
  
Pairings: none  
  
Quatre's POV  
  
Warnings: none  
  
Notes: I wrote the last chapter while I was uber tired, so here are some clarifications. I like Quatre to be called Cat. I tried Quat for a while but I think it just looks funny. Also in the last chapter he was having many flashbacks/moments of insanity all in a row and he felt that they were coming on too soon. This story takes place after Endless Waltz. Sorry about the confusion friends. Now! On with the show!...er story!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing (but my Gundam Wing DVDs just came in! Yay! So I do own those.)

* * *

"It seems as though for every ten people who are enjoying peace and hoping that it will last, there is always one who wants to perpetuate the fighting and killing. Who could want to go on living in fear and pain?" Relena sighs, sipping delicately at her tiny cup of coffee.  
  
"Sadists," I reply helpfully.  
  
"Ha, ha. Very funny. I'm being serious here! I don't believe that people truly want to go on fighting. I guess I just don't understand people who like to fight. Everyday, even with "peace" established, I receive more news about this uprising, or this random killing. Maybe Dorothy was right. Maybe man's natural instinct is to battle."  
  
I smiled inwardly. We go through this every time I see her. She spouts her ideals about peace and I reassure her. It's like a ritual any more. We even eat at the same little hole-in-the-wall restaurant and she orders the same thing every time. I really should get her to be more adventurous with Middle Eastern cuisine. There's more to it than just kabsa and pita bread with hommus. Wonder if I can trick her into eating some mubassal. 1  
  
"You know you don't believe that. Peace is something that can be achieved. It's just going to take time," _and a miracle_ I think to myself.  
  
"I'm probably boring you with all this, though. You have so much on your plate already."  
  
Ah, Relena, the former Queen of the World and present Queen of Understatement.  
  
"I don't mind. Everyone needs someone to vent to. Besides it gives me an excuse to get out of my office for an afternoon." I smile at her and she gives me a gracious smile back. "But you know," I can't help but add,"People will never have true peace until either everyone evolves or dies."  
  
She looks at me for a moment trying to decide if I am being serious or not. She finally comes to the conclusion that she can't tell. Ah, the joy of Relena baiting. It's even more fun than teasing my sisters because she doesn't know me well enough to tell when I'm kidding.  
  
"I'm kidding," I finally say with a chuckle.  
  
"Oh! Of course…" She looks relieved.  
  
But am I really kidding? I mean, I don't see absolute peace being achieved any other way. There would be peace if there were no longer any more people left to cause disputes obviously, and there would be peace if everyone could have empathy for one another…oh Allah! Not now…not here…not in front of Relena…  
  
_Shusch…shusch…I'm in the desert, only it's no desert I've ever seen. There's just the sand and space. No air, no wind. That's strange. It takes wind to move sand, doesn't it? I can hear them whispering…the gentle souls…the vengeful souls…they're all around me. They're all in my mind.  
  
There are lights on the horizon. They look like stars at first, but I can see them moving. No. I can _sense_ them moving. They're getting closer. Little flecks of star paint. Where did they come from, where are they going? They're drawn to me. I know they are. Flecks of star paint to a flame.  
  
I'm hot and cold all at once. The heat comes from space. Who knew the desert could be so cold? My feet are numb. My head is burning. Am I sick? I must be sick. Where is my father? Or my sisters? I wish they were here in the black desert with me. They would know what to do. They would know what to do for feet numbed by black ice and a head filled with smoldering star embers.  
  
But they're not here. Only…only he's here! Tell him to get away! Get away from me! He'll hurt me! He'll hurt me again with needles filled with chemicals…ones that leave bright blue track marks up and down my arms. They'll burn me! They'll burn! And I'll be back in the white room with only the songs of faceless voices and the eternity of rushing blood pounding in my ears…  
  
The bright flecks are over my head now. They aren't hard and cold like stars. Oh, no. They're quite wondrous. So soft and warm. They make me weep…  
  
"Si tu aimes une fleur qui se trouve dans une etoile, c'est doux, la nuit, de regarder le ciel. Toutes les etoiles sont fleuries."_ 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My head hurts. That's about all I can get out at the moment.  
  
There are blurry shapes above me…_flowers_… and I think I'm going to throw up. No, scratch that. I **am** going to throw up.  
  
My sister Helima is holding onto my shoulders as I empty the contents of my stomach into the waste basket placed conveniently beside my bed. I don't know how I got home. Come to think of it, I'm not all that clear on what just happened at all. The last thing I remember was talking to…oh Allah. Please tell me Relena did not just see me throw up.  
  
Crap.  
  
"Are you alright Quatre?" she says, peering down at me, concern sparkling in her eyes.  
  
"Mggghhh," I reply intelligently and promptly return to discovering the most intimate details of my trash can turned toilet bowl.  
  
"I'm going to go call Irea. Relena, could you stay here with him and make sure he doesn't…um…pass out and, well, drown?" Helima snickers as she heads to the door.  
  
How my sisters can always find humor at my expense truly amazes me.  
  
Relena nervously sits down on my bed, toying with the hem of her skirt and worrying her lower lip. She finally manages to cast a brief glance in my direction before going back to staring resolutely at the floor.  
  
I wonder abstractly at that moment if I threw up a little on the bed. Probably. She's probably sitting…ew. Shut up Cat. Don't go there.  
  
"How are you feeling? Would you like some water?" She's still not looking at me. Her voice is quiet.  
  
"If you don't mind…" I manage to croak out.  
  
I hear running water from the bathroom down the hall and soon Relena returns with the toothpaste incrusted plastic cup that has lived in our bathroom since before I was born. I didn't have the strength or heart to ask her to go all the way downstairs to get me a real glass. It still amuses me that in a house, well mansion really, as large as my ancestral home the three bathroom per home limit was observed. It certainly made mornings in a family of twenty-nine girls very interesting.  
  
After managing a few swallows past my dry throat I'm ready for some answers.  
  
"How did I get back here? I mean, what happened?"  
  
Relena looks surprised. "I was hoping you could tell me. You just got this bad look in your eyes. Like you were going to pass out. Then you started shaking badly. You…I didn't know what to do. You really scared me. You fell out of your chair. It…I…God Quatre! I thought you were dying, you know?"  
  
There are tears in her eyes. She keeps blinking frantically to keep them back.  
  
"Relena," I don't know why I'm whispering. Don't want to break the mood, I guess. "I'm okay now. Don't worry anymore. I'm fine, okay? Oh, hey now, don't cry. Don't cry Relena. I'm fine. I'm fine." I'm holding her and she's trembling. All the while as I'm saying this my heart is hurting and I can't help but think, _I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all_. I wonder where Heero is. He usually comes with Relena on these trips. I wonder why he didn't come this time. I really miss him. I wish he was here right now, here to comfort Relena instead of me because right now I don't think my empathy can handle both our pain.  
  
"Where is he?" It's more breath than whisper, but she hears it.  
  
"Who?" She sniffles, lifting her head up.  
  
"Where's Heero. And Duo and Trowa and Wufei. Relena…I'm not fine. I think…no…I know there's something wrong with me. I need help 'Lena. I need help and I need them to be here with me! I need help…I need help…"  
  
I'm crying. With heaving sighing sobs. The ugly kind of crying that doesn't stop until exhaustion wins out. I can't tell anymore who's more upset. We're both crying. Just sitting on my rumbled bed in my boxer-strewn room and sobbing into each others' shoulders. I want my sisters. I want my brothers. I need my father…

* * *

Well, there's chapter 3. How did people like it?  
  
Big thanks to Mlaine and Bibliomaniac for reviewing the last chapter. If I could pay you for the joy your reviews gave me, I would. But alas, I am but a poor student.  
  
-NostalgieMalaak 

1 kabsa is a classic Arabic dish of meat and rice; hommus is a dip made of pureed chickpeas; mubassal are onion pancakes

2 "If you love a flower who lives on a star, it's pleasant, at night, to look at the sky. All the stars are in bloom." From Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.


	4. Gundam Team Reunited

Drowning: Chapter 4  
  
**Gundam Team Reunited**  
  
Pairings: ok you lucky people. I finally decided on some so here they are: 1xR, DxH  
  
Quatre's POV  
  
Warnings: none  
  
Just a few notes on the last chapter: (by the by, thanks people who reviewed! You always give me new ideas to kick around). I decided on the pairings as they are because I think they're the most supported by the series, but I was seriously tempted to turn this into a 4xR fic. I do think though that Relena and Quatre make good friends, so that's what they'll stay. Also, the whole bathroom thing came from growing up in a small house and large family and fighting over the shower in the morning. I think it helps Cat's relationship with his family to know they were close and fought over stupid things. Also I'm pretending that coming from an Arabic background causes the L4 people not to want to waste water, thus the 3 bathroom limit. Ok, so that was a lot of notes. Oh, well.  
  
Disclaimer: don't own Gundam Wing

* * *

_Wash hands and wrists. Wash out mouth. Cleanse nostrils. Wash entire face: forehead to chin, ear to ear. Right arm, then left, then forehead to back of neck. Delicate insides of ears must also be washed. Wipe around the neck. Wash the feet  
  
Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar _

_Ashhadu Allah ilaaha illa-Lah, Ashhadu Allah ilaaha illa-Lah __Ash Hadu anna Muhamadar rasuulullah, Ash Hadu anna Muhamadar rasuulullah Hay ya' alas Salaah, Hay ya' alas Salaah Hay ya' ala Falaah, Hay ya' ala Falaah Qad qaamitis Salaah, Qad qaamitis Salaah Allaahu Akbar, Allaahu Akbar Laa ilaaha illa-Lah  
  
Alluha Akbar  
  
Subhaana ala humma wa bihamdika wa tabaara kasmuka wa ta'aalaa jadduka __wa laa ilaaha ghairuk  
  
A'uudhu billaahi minash shaitaan ar-Rajeem _

_Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem _

_Al hamdu lillaahi rabbil 'alameen Ar-Rahman ar-Raheem Maaliki yaumid Deen Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iy yaaka nasta'een Ihdinas siraatal mustaqeem Siraatal ladheena an 'amta' alaihim Ghairil maghduubi' alaihim waladaaleen Aameen _

_Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem Wal 'Asr Innal insaana lafee khusr Illal ladhenna aamannu Wa 'amilus saalihaati wa tawaasau bilhaqq Wa tawaasau bis sabr _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Subhanna rabbiyal 'Azeem, Subhanna rabbiyal 'Azeem, Subhanna rabbiyal 'Azeem _

_Sami' allaahu liman hamidah _

_Rabbanaa wa lakal hamd _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa, Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa, Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa, Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa, Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem _

_Al hamdu lillaahi rabbil 'alameen Ar-Rahman ar-Raheem Maaliki yaumid Deen Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iy yaaka nasta'een Ihdinas siraatal mustaqeem Siraatal ladheena an 'amta' alaihim Ghairil maghduubi' alaihim waladaaleen Aameen _

_Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem Qul huwallaahu ahad Allahus samad Lam yalid wa lam yuulad Wa lamyakun lahuuu kufuwan ahad _

_At Tahiyyaatu lilaahi was Salawaatu wat tayibaatu As Salaamu 'alaika ayyuhan nabiyyu wa rahmatul laahi wa barakaatuh As Salaamu 'alainaa wa 'alaa 'ebaadillaahis saaliheen, Ash hadu allaa ilaah ilallaah Wa ash hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhuu wa rasuuluh _

_Allahu Akbar _

_Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem _

_Al hamdu lillaahi rabbil 'alameen Ar-Rahman ar-Raheem Maaliki yaumid Deen Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iy yaaka nasta'een Ihdinas siraatal mustaqeem Siraatal ladheena an 'amta' alaihim Ghairil maghduubi' alaihim waladaaleen Aameen _

_As Salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatulaah _1

_-------------------_

_Father is there to guide me up the steps of the Mosque. There's sand blowing around the bottom of my robe. It stings a little, but I'm too excited to care much. My hand is small in his. We are going to Mosque today. Father is taking me to Mosque… _

_------------------_

_I'm nervous. The clenching in my belly won't go away. I'm taking deep breathes but that only seems to make it worse. Please Allah, don't let me screw up. Not today. Father is counting on me. Today I recite the Qur'an… _

_------------------_

_There's blood all over the steps and the sun is drying it. Gluing it down like morbid paint. The Sahara will soon cover it up. It's almost time for the Sirocco to blow. I won't be able to forget what happened here. The death screams of men terrified to die, though they know Allah will welcome them into paradise. I wonder why they're so afraid if their faith is that strong. I'm not afraid to die. Father took me by the hand and led me to God…_

_------------------_

_Where was God when I was dying a hundred deaths? Where was Allah when they put the test subjects into the fires and burned them to death? Where was my God when they left me alone to die? I wasn't afraid to die. I was with the God of Death…_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think I've ever been as disoriented as I am now. I recognize that I'm in my bed at home, but it's dark outside and I don't know what's going on. There are so many emotions drifting around…_drifting like sand over blood_…that I can't keep track of it all.

There's someone standing over me. Or something. No, definitely a someone. He's dressed all in black and talking a mile a minute. Ah. Duo.

"Hey Cat! You're finally awake! Jeez, man? What's been happening to you? You look like shit." 

Good old Duo. Still knows how to talk at that perfect speed that only lets me catch about half of what he's saying. And that's when I'm totally awake and not nursing a splitting headache.

"Duo…" I'm trying valiantly not to wince as I sit up. "SLOW DOWN."

"Oh, hey man. Sorry 'bout that. You seem a little foggy still. You need help sitting up?" He asks contritely.

It feels good to have his arm around me. It's safe and reassuring and brotherly all at the same time. As soon as the room stops spinning I'm able to look up at him and smile. I wouldn't have thought that he would ever be taller than me.

"I'm ok now. Thanks Duo. Uh, Duo?" 

"Ya, bud?"

"Um, what's going on? Why are there so many people in the house?"

"Wow. You must have some killer hearing or something! I can't even hear the other guys moving around downstairs."

"The other guys?" I ask desperately, trying to cover my sudden lapse in good sense. At least I know now that nobody but my family knows about me. Well, knows about that _part_ of me.

"Yep! Me, Heero and Trowa all got here about five hours ago. Wufei is here too…he's not really talking to us though…" 

I forgot he was still feeling terribly guilty over the whole Marimeia incident. I'm touched and a little surprised that he came at all.

"We got a call from Relena saying that you were in a bad way and needed us here. By the time we got here, you had…well…had another, you know…"

"Episode?"

"Ya. You, um…you ok?" I could tell he was trying to remain cool and not get emotional. His one hand gripping the sheet on my bed had turned white.

"I…I don't know. I'm glad you guys are here though. Really glad. I don't know what's going on with me," I say shakily, "To tell you the truth…I'm terrified."

I look up at him again, trying to decide if he's disappointed in me, if he thinks I've gone soft.

Instead his arm around me tightens and he nods his head a little.

"We're all pretty scared too. It's not everyday you hear one of your best friends wakes up screaming every night and seizures out every once and a while." He's laughing but there isn't any humor in it.

"Wakes up screaming?" I don't remember that.

"Your sisters told us. And just a few minutes ago you were crying in your sleep."

We're quiet for a few minutes. I'm trying to absorb all this and Duo is silently freaking out, something I've never seen him do. Duo never does anything silently. Well, except kill people.

The three other guys took that moment to make their appearance. They haven't changed all that much since I saw them at New Years. It's comforting to know that I see them often enough that I can't noticeably see them growing up.

After a subdued round of greetings we settle into a companionable silence. Duo's arm is getting heavy and sweaty on my thin shoulders but I don't mind and he doesn't move it. For the first time in months I feel protected. Safe from the visions that haunt not only my days, but my nights as well now.

In the distance I can hear the muadhdhin calling the faithful to prayer.

* * *

Again, thanks to my reviewers. If you would also like to have questions answered or give me suggestions on the story, don't hesitate to review because I really do read them!

-NostalgieMalaak

1 Salaat: Muslim prayer performed five times a day


	5. Visions of Angels and Death

Drowning: Chapter 5  
  
**Visions of Angels and Death**  
  
Pairings: 1xR, 2xH  
  
Quatre's POV  
  
Warnings: language, experimentation on children, dying children  
  
If any of this bothers you I would ask you not to read this chapter because it is very dark. Don't worry, it won't affect your understanding of the story much if you skip it. If you do read it and are offended, I'm terribly sorry. You've been officially warned.  
  
Notes: Ooh, ok. I messed up on writing the pairings up above last chapter. The way they're written now is how they're supposed to be. Sorry about that.  
  
Also I can feel this fic heading in a direction I didn't think it would take, but oh well. I've been kicking this idea around for a while now and it seems like it's calling to this story. Hold on folks 'cause the ride has just begun!  
  
Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

* * *

Today has been a strange day. Nothing seems real, but at the same time everything is too real. I keep vacillating between super awareness and this dream-like state. The edges of my vision keep getting foggy, like when my goggles get rimmed with sweat. I think I must have rubbed my eyelids off by now trying to clear my eyes.  
  
As frightening as this is it's even creepier when the moments of clarity come over me. Every detail, every sound, smell, gesture, emotion, _thought_ comes through with painful, piercing precision.  
  
The other guys have been a great help. When they aren't smothering me, that is. I love the fact that they're here for me, but really. I have twenty-nine older sisters. I've been babied enough to last me several lifetimes. I'm not going to break_…I feel like I'm drowning…_and I don't need them to be so overprotective with me.  
  
I'm cranky. I know I am. Maybe it's from not sleeping; waking up several times a night soaked in sweat, the sounds of screams in my ears. Duo tells me they're my own, but they always sound like they're coming from far away. I don't scream. I'm a Gundam pilot and a man and I don't scream. I yell loudly.  
  
And why won't Relena and Heero just touch each other for the love of Allah! We've been sitting here for close to an hour and they pretend like they don't even notice each other! They're attracted to each other. Very attracted. It's annoyingly obvious. Just take her hand, or touch her leg! She's sitting right there!  
  
I need to calm down. Why can't I control anything today? My empathy is all messed up. It's digging into my mind like a splinter that I can't work out. I can't…I can't stand this!  
  
Calm. Be calm. There's something calming me. It's pure and sweet like a rich balm over my mind. It's Wufei. Steady as a rock. He's touching my hand discretely with only his index finger but it's enough. I'm grounded. I'm calm.  
  
Duo's talking. Just small talk. Asking Relena how her job is going. Inquiring about Trowa's life at the circus.  
  
Trowa is standing apart from the others, seemingly detached but I know he's fully engaged. Wufei is sitting next to me. He hasn't said anything to me or the others yet, but he seems more at peace. Especially after I hugged him this morning and invited him to join us in the sitting room. I think joining the Preventers has done him a world of good. He's still carrying the guilt but behind that is the calm and wisdom of the scholar I know him to be.  
  
The hostility is slowly creeping back on me. It's like a slow tingle starting at the base of my skull. I don't think even Wufei's calm is enough to stop it. Who is it coming from? Is it my own? I'm so confused and I don't like to be confused! My head is hurting and why won't these people just shut up?! I want them to leave. Now. Just say it! Get out of my house! Get out! Get out! GET OUT OF MY MIND!  
  
_The walls are so white. They hurt my eyes. My eyes hurt and I'm scared. I can't remember something…something important. I remember home. It's all fuzzy in my head though. I can't…! No wait, there it is. Papa's face. Strong and warm and tired. What is it? What could it be? Oh. Oh, no…  
  
I can't remember my name.  
  
There's a black mark on my shoulder, but I don't think it's my name. I don't know what it is. Even if I make my neck hurt to look it's still upside-down. I'm scared. Where's papa? He could tell me my name…_

_----------------  
_  
_I want them to leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone…they can't find me here…I'm in the floaty place and they can't catch me here…_

_---------------  
_  
_My finger hurts. I can't stop. I won't stop. They can't make me. I remember it now. I remember. Quatre. Quatre. Quatre. My name is Quatre.  
  
My blood is all over the walls, the white bright light walls…I won't forget now…now that my name is everywhere around me…my red bed fed wed bled dead blood…Quatre Quatre Quatre. It's so pretty in red._

_---------------  
_  
"Quatre? Quatre? Oh my God! Are you all right?"

-------------  
  
_I'm alone. I'm always alone. I wish someone would hold me. I'm sleepy. The blue stuff makes me feel icky and sleepy. My tummy hurts._

_----------------  
_  
_I can see the others through the walls. They're little and pale like me. They look like sick black blobs. They hurt too. I wish they would stop hurting. They make me hurt. I hurt. I hurt. Please stop. You're hurting me. What's that? They hurt you too? They hurt me all the time, but I never see them. I go to sleep and when I wake up there's blue all under my skin and it makes me sick._

_----------------  
  
You're dying. I can tell. Some of you have already died. The black just runs away like ink. And there's nothing left of the ones that die. You'll be just like that. You'll just be ink floating away. I'll be with you when you go though. I'm always there to feel you. I'll feel you die and I'll wish that it was me that was ink all going away._

_----------------  
_  
"Get him into bed!"  
  
"Why isn't his sister here yet?"  
  
"God, which one?"  
  
"The doctor! Jesus! How can you…"  
  
"Why is he shaking like that?"  
  
"He looks like he's dying."  
  
"Don't say that! Don't fucking say that! Just shut the hell up!"

-------------

_I've been here for minutes. I've been here for years. I can't remember anything before this. Before white walls and dead children. There was red on the walls once. It isn't there anymore._

-------------

"What's that mark on his back?"  
  
"What mark?"  
  
"The one right there on his shoulder. That's strange. I've never notice it before. It looks like a…well, I dunno."  
  
"I've seen that before somewhere. I'm not sure what it means though."  
  
"It's called a sigil. It's the sigil of the archangel Azrael." _1  
_  
"Irea! Thank God you're here. Cat isn't doing so good."  
  
"It's his empathy isn't it?"  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"Sit down. I think you all need to hear this." 

---------------  
  
_"Remember friend, as you pass by.  
As you are now, so once was I.  
As I am now, you soon shall be.  
So, prepare for death, and follow me." _2  
  
_"Follow me, little children. You're suffering is now done. I'll lead you to God."  
  
They burn the ones that don't please them. The men in white take the sick ones away. They lock them in a little metal room where they're so scared and alone and they burn them. I feel them die. They don't die like the others. They just float away like ashes. They scream in my mind._  
  
… Father took me by the hand and led me to God…

---------------  
  
_They're dying! They're dying! Stop! Oh, please stop! They're cramming them all in together and they're all screaming!  
  
Why won't someone help them? I can't help them. Oh please, someone! I can't get out! Let me out, let me out, let me out letmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeout…  
  
LET ME OUT OF MY MIND! They're dying! They're dying, I'm dying, I'm burning, oh Allah I'm burning, I'm burning…_

**_to be continued..._**

* * *

Thank you all of you who decided to go ahead and read this chapter. Thanks as always to my loyal reviewers. Next chapter Irea will (hopefully) be able to explain some things.  
  
-NostalgieMalaak  
  
1 to find a color picture of this (Cat's tattoo is black) look up angelic symbols on google and look at the first site that comes up. I've tried several times to put in the address, but this system doesn't seem to want to let me. Anyway...just if you're curious.  
  
2 this is a poem I found about Azrael (the Islamic angel of death) 


	6. Quatre's Past Revealed

Drowning: Chapter 6  
  
**Quatre's Past Revealed**  
  
Pairings: 1xR, 2xH  
  
**Irea's POV  
**  
Warnings: graphic content, child experimentation  
  
Again, if this offends you don't read it. However, this is the chapter where everything gets explained and you'll have a difficult time understanding the rest of the story if you don't read it. You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: don't own the characters, or the term Newtype.  
  
(Note: Newtypes aren't actually ever mentioned in the GW universe, they're from the first Gundam show, but I think they can be easily applied to this show as well, especially when some of Quatre's actions are looked at)

* * *

"He was six years old when they came for him. The Alliance had taken over and ended many of the colonies' rebellions. There weren't a lot of people willing to take a stand against them. Especially since hardly anyone knew what was happening until it was too late, and those that did were either apathetic or were silenced quickly and brutally.  
  
"They claimed they were doctors. Much like they did on the L2 colony cluster. They tricked the people into believing that they were to help when in reality all they had to offer was death.  
  
"They went from house to house asking if there were any "different" children in the household. Any under the age of ten. You see, starting about twenty years ago there was a sudden an unexplainable increase in the number of "abnormal" children born in the L4 colonies. We used to joke that it was something in the water, but at the same time everyone was afraid. It became one of those topics that no one spoke about. Like test tube babies.  
  
"Many started to call these children "Newtypes." They…were not like other children. They never grew very big and as little children they seemed to know far more than children should. It was because they knew things about people. Knew when you were happy, when you were distraught. Knew if you were pregnant before you yourself did. Knew if you were cheating on your wife. Everyone was afraid, and no one did anything to stop what was to come.  
  
"These children began to disappear from all over the colony. One from this family. Two from another. Families were ripped apart with grief but were powerless. Some families did nothing because they were glad of the sudden disappearance of their terrifying children. As awful as that sounds, sometimes fear can make people more savage than even animals, who at least will always sacrifice themselves for their young.  
  
"We woke up to the sound of Father screaming. I was home visiting from college at the time. All of us girls ran towards the sound. I had never heard my father scream or cry before. It was the most awful and heart-wrenching sight I have ever seen to this day. He was sitting on the floor beside Quatre's little bed. The blankets were all torn apart and flung about the room. The glass windows had been expertly broken through so that no one in the house had heard the intruders.  
  
"Father…he was…it was horrible to see. He had completely broken down and was sobbing hysterically, clutching a pillow from Quatre's bed.  
  
"We all knew what had happened. For a long time no one did anything. We were all in an utter and complete state of shock. They had come for Quatre. They had taken our sweet baby brother away.  
  
"Father tried everything imaginable, called in all his favors, almost lost his mind in trying to track down Cat's location, but to no avail. It was as if Quatre had disappeared into thin air. We knew the military was responsible. It was never stated publicly, but we _knew_. Everyone did. And no one did a damn thing!  
  
"Even as powerful as Father and our family was and is there was nothing more we could do. It seemed as though we had lost him forever.  
  
"Father was absolutely crushed, but out of all of us…he was the only one who never lost hope. He simply could not even begin to fathom the possibility that Quatre wasn't coming back.  
  
"We waited and hoped and prayed for a year and a half."

-----------  
  
I have to stop for a moment. The pain and utter astonishment on the faces of the former pilots is almost too much for me to bear. And I have yet to come to the worst of it. Relena is gripping Heero's hand and there are tear marks stretching from her eyes to the bottom of her flushed cheeks. Hilde, who had arrived at Duo's slightly panicked insistence, is holding and being held in an iron grip by Duo. His entire posture is rigid and it's clear from his frozen features that he's not taking the entire situation well.  
  
I suggest to them all that we take a short break and get something soothing to drink. Wufei and I are drinking hot tea. The mint kind. Quatre's favorite. The others are nursing small cups of Arabian coffee.  
  
I don't know if I really want to go on. I know I must though, for their sake and Quatre's. All of us sisters have realized since Cat returned from the war that something was wrong. He's good at hiding things from us though. Doesn't want us to worry, I guess. We were so blind! Why did we wait so long? How could it have come to this? I'm a doctor for the love of Allah and I did nothing!  
  
My hands are shaking. Tea is sloshing over the rim a little. _Allaahu Akbar. Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem, Wal 'Asr, Innal insaana lafee khusr, Illal ladhenna aamannu, Wa 'amilus saalihaati wa tawaasau bilhaqq, Wa tawaasau bis sabr. God is Great. In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Merciful. By the Token of Time through the ages, Verily Man is in loss, Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and join together in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy._ I must be calm and focused. I'm ready now.  
  
"Do you all want me to go on?"  
  
"Yes. If this is going to help us find out what's happening to Quatre, I think you must," Duo says. He's absolutely serious. There's no trace of the light-hearted expression on his face that I had come to recognize him by. All the others look equally grim. I just pray that I am doing the right thing for Quatre by telling them all this. There's a very real chance that after they find out about Quatre they may be frightened of him, or even hate him. Humans, after all, have the predisposition to hate what they fear and fear what they don't understand. I trust Cat's judgment in people however, and if he calls these people friends and considers them practically brothers then I think I can trust them as well.  
  
"Alright then. At the time of these disappearances there was a faction of rebels that had started to form ever since the Alliance had taken over. They were the only group to survive the all out massacre that claimed the lives of so many other rebels. Many of the colony citizens knew about this group. Some supported them. Most did not. They were complete fanatics; they truly believed that it was Allah's will to get back at our oppressors by any means possible. One of the reasons so many people from our part of Earth had move to the colonies was to escape that sort of thinking. We didn't want to have to live in fear of radical groups like that. They were helping though, as much as we disliked their tactics.  
  
"Now that I think back on it, it was probably one of the reasons our colony ended up turning against the Gundams. They were afraid of being associated with terrorists. No, don't get me wrong! I think the Gundams were truly there to help the people; however your tactics reminded them of the groups that had ruled over our countries on Earth, even though your intentions were honorable.  
  
"This group called itself Red Dog. They were very successful during the early years of occupation.  
  
"It came over the radio one afternoon that Red Dog had successfully liberated what they had thought to be an experimental weapons facility. What they actually found was so horrible that it caused mass hysteria within the colony. They had found the missing children of L4, or what was left of them.  
  
"Apparently the children had been taken to a satellite between the L3 and L4 colony cluster. Once there, they had been given many preliminary tests to determine if they were what the scientists were seeking. These scientists, who had posed as the doctors when on-colony, had taken the children showing the most abnormal brain wave patterns and placed them in holding cells to be organized into groups. Those that weren't gifted enough were shot on the spot and their bodies burned. We found this out through the extensive video footage the Alliance scientists had made on the whole process.  
  
"The others…the others….I'm sorry." Breathe Irea. You can do this.  
  
"The others were split into groups. Each group was…experimented on differently. There were four groups, each named after an archangel. Such blasphemy! Dear Allah…  
  
"Every child was given a mark on their shoulder that identified which group they were in. Jibril, Mika'il, Azrael, and Israfel. Those children who were in the group named Mika'il were tested with a powerful drug that apparently affected the areas of the brain that involve reflexes, motor skills, and emotions like anger, lust, and terror. These children…they went mad very quickly. The ones that were kept together tore each other apart. The others were found to be too unstable to be useful and were killed.  
  
Jibril's children were given drugs that made them so paranoid that they distrusted anyone and everyone. Many died of sheer nervous exhaustion. Of all the children however, they had the highest survival rate…but still…the numbers who died…  
  
"They apparently had the most "luck" with the children of Israfel. It was shown through documentation that because of the amount of chemicals they were dosed with (three times the amount of the other children) they stumbled upon a formula that would increase these children's Newtype abilities. However, they couldn't pinpoint the exact cause of this discovery, and before they could narrow down the possibilities all of the children had slipped into comas and died.  
  
"Perhaps the most terrifying thing that Red Dog revealed was what had happened to the children of Azrael. Each of the four sections had placed in its own hallway, or ward. The popular nickname for Azrael's section of the laboratories was the "Death Ward." One of the head scientists had an absolute fascination for death and the afterlife. He felt the only way to find what was beyond death was to send empaths there and then bring them back to life. Quatre and the others…they…they…_oh Allah, let me get through this!..._they were injected with a bright blue chemical that entered into their bloodstream at an amazing rate and killed them by stopping their hearts. It was shown however that their minds were still functioning for as much as ten minutes after their bodies had died. They were then resuscitated and the process was begun all over again. Many children simply never woke up again. Many were thought to be too far gone to be resuscitated and were taken down to the furnace rooms and burned alive. It was documented that of the two children that survived the Death Ward, each had been killed and brought back over three hundred times in the space of eighteen months.  
  
"By the time Red Dog arrived and took over the satellite many Newtype children were already dead. The scientists, upon learning that they had been discovered had begun taking children from the cells and throwing them, completely conscious and aware, into the furnaces. Despite Red Dog's best efforts they were only able to kill the few scientists that remained behind to destroy the "evidence." The rest escaped and their whereabouts never revealed.  
  
"When all was said and done, of the nearly three-thousand children taken, only seventeen survived."

-----------  
  
They don't believe me. I can see it in their eyes. I can't really blame them. After all, who could imagine such evil? When faced with that kind of evil, what does one do? _We collectively go insane. Men beating their heads against walls until they are unconscious. Women screaming in the streets and ripping their hair out. The wailing and anguished cries were so loud that day in the colony that I could have sworn people on Earth heard us. That was not the case however. No one in the rest of Earth or space would ever hear what had happened.  
_  
"I don't believe you. There just isn't any evidence of something like this happening. I mean, the rest of the world would have heard about this!" Duo is saying, his voice laced with shock and desperation.  
  
"Yes. Duo's right. The other colonies and Earth would have been in an uproar over this." Heero's steely cobalt-blue eyes drill into me as he speaks.  
  
"You would think so, wouldn't you? The plain fact of the matter was that no one believed us. No one. The Alliance covered its tracks very very well. Red Dog was demolished within days of finding the laboratories. The satellite literally disappeared. All that was left as evidence were the children, and they were too young and too traumatized to be able to tell what happened to them. Everything we had learned from Red Dog was destroyed. But the people knew. The people of L4 will never forget what happened to its children."  
  
"And Quatre?" Relena asks.  
  
"Quatre…it took him a long time to heal physically. Mentally, I don't think he ever has. He never speaks about it, but I know he is reminded of it all the time. I'm pretty sure it's one of the reasons he became a Gundam pilot, to prevent this from ever happening again."  
  
"Is this why he is having these episodes now?" Trowa says calmly. Of all the people gathered in the room he looks the most unbothered by the whole event. I'm not sure if it's because he truly doesn't believe me, or if it's because he believes me totally and is doing the only thing he can to deal with it. I'm willing to bet it's the latter. Quatre and him were very close during the war.  
  
"I honestly don't know what's causing these fits. We should know better after I run a few tests. I also need him to talk to me…or someone, and tell them what's going on. I would bet anything though that it has something to do with what happened to him."  
  
"I agree. If you would like, I will ask him when he wakes up." With that Trowa nodded to me and headed towards Quatre's bedroom.  
  
"I still don't think what you said is true. I mean, it can't be! Who would do something that awful? Who would want to hurt Quatre like that…I just don't get it!" Duo's not even pretending to be fine now. Little silver streaks are running down his crumpled face.  
  
"We will get to the bottom of this. Make no mistake. We are all here for Quatre, and we will do everything in our power to help him." The others look shocked that Wufei has spoken, but are all visibly more relaxed now that a battle plan has been established.  
  
I too am heartily grateful that Quatre's friends are here. They are like a rock that's anchoring me during this terrifying time. And I am terrified. I just hope to God that Quatre is going to be alright. That this ordeal will soon be over for him. That he will be able to reconcile his past and move on. I wish Father was here right now. I could certainly use his guidance right now.

* * *

Big thanks to Mlaine and LinaChan for reviewing the last chapter. I hope this one wasn't too confusing. Where will this story head next? What will happen to poor Quatre? Stayed tuned my friends…: ).  
  
-NostalgieMalaak 


	7. Quatre's Confession, Quatre's Hope

Drowning: Chapter 7  
  
**Quatre's Confession, Quatre's Hope**  
  
Pairings: 1xR, 2xH  
  
Quatre's POV  
  
Warnings: slight swearing  
  
Notes: Upon reading the last chapter I came to the conclusion that I have either been studying the Holocaust too long or that I am a very sick person. But anyhoo…this story came out of reading _Children of the Flames_ by Lucette Matalon Lagnado and Sheila Cohn Dekel which is about the experimentation on twins in Auschwitz. Hopefully these next few chapters will further explain what's going on.  
  
Disclaimer: see chapters 1-6

* * *

_"When by my solitary hearth I sit,  
And hateful thoughts enwrap my soul in gloom;  
When no fair dreams before my 'mind's eye' flit,  
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;  
Sweet Hope! ethereal balm upon me shed,  
And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head."_ 1  
  
There's someone standing next to my bed. I can feel them looming over me. Slow down the breathing, relax the muscles, give him no hint that you're awake….  
  
"GAAAHHHH!!!!"  
  
Hmmm…that didn't work out as well as I had planned. Oh, the execution of the movement was nicely done. The timing, spot on. The only trouble with my clandestine attack was that my "victim" happened to be a six foot three inch ex-mercenary, whereas I was a five foot four, hundred pound pushover.  
  
"That was pretty good, Cat. You almost got me," Trowa says in that infuriatingly calm, yet smug way. His eyes are dancing with laughter.  
  
"Yuck it up fly boy. You just wait…as soon as I manage to….grr…heh….get you off of me…shiiii…"  
  
"What? What was that Cat? Do you need some help?"  
  
Don't get me wrong, I love it when Trowa's playful side comes out, just not when he's sitting on my stomach.  
  
Oh Allah! Not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!  
  
"Nooooooo!"  
  
"Does someone not enjoy being tickled?"  
  
Alright. That's it. He wants a fight? Then that's what my dear friend Trowa will get!  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"GRRRR!!!"  
  
"Hey! Come on now!"  
  
"Haha! I have you now…shit!"  
  
"Ooof!"  
  
"You're…ow…on…erg…my foot!"  
  
"You started it!"  
  
"And I'm going to finish it! YEEEEE ahhhh!"  
  
"Ouch! No biting!!"  
  
"Ew, Trowa…you don't taste very good…"  
  
"Shut up. Now get over here! I'm going take you down and…"  
  
"And what?"  
  
"I dunno, but it's going to hurt real bad!"  
  
Five minutes, two tired teenagers, and one shredded pair of my new pajamas later…  
  
"Maybe next time you'll think twice before trying to take me on."  
  
"You ruined my pajamas asshole."  
  
"Such language! I thought you are supposed to be a gentleman and all that."  
  
"Ya well…hey Trowa?"  
  
"Hey Quatre?"  
  
"Why were you looming over my bed a few minutes ago?"  
  
"I don't "loom." You're just a midget."  
  
I'm sticking my tongue out at him, but he's too busy trying to fix his hair to notice.  
  
"It's a lost cause you know. The hair."  
  
"Ya."  
  
He finally manages to get it into a fairly reasonable approximation of what it was a few minutes ago before being "attacked."  
  
"I'm worried about you Cat," He says so quietly that I almost miss it.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Ya, I guess you would, wouldn't you," Now he's looking at me like he knows something. Like he…no. He's just trying to trick me.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Oh, yeah, real cute. Try for coy. That always works with your best friend.  
  
"Your sister…she told us what happened to you. With the experimentations on Newtype children."  
  
We're both very quiet for a long time, just staring at each other. He's feeling pity for me right now. I hate it. I hate it when people feel that for me. I don't need any fucking pity.  
  
"Well. Isn't that interesting. So. Now you know," I say in my iciest voice.  
  
"I wanted to be here for you when you woke up. After…after hearing, what…what…you know. I just wanted to be here for you."  
  
"Lying doesn't suit you Trowa. Want to try again?"  
  
Now he's not even trying to look at me. The tips of his fingers are rubbing together in a gesture of uncertainty. It's sort of freaking me out. Trowa is rarely if ever uncertain. He wants to tell me something but he's afraid of making me more upset. Damn. I'm really being a jerk today. He's here to help me, that much I'm positive of, and I have to be mean to him because he feels sorry for me.  
  
"Trowa. I'm sorry. Please…please just say what you need to say."  
  
He takes his time before answering, trying out the words in his mind before speaking them out-loud. I know he's doing this. And really it's a wasted effort because I can hear what he's thinking. Dear Allah._ I can hear what he's thinking!  
_  
"Quatre," he finally says, bringing my attention back to him and away from my terrifying revelation, "Your sister…we all want to understand what happened to you. We are all your friends and we care about you so much! Irea thinks these…episodes, or whatever they are, are connected to what happened to you when you were six. After hearing what happened, I'm inclined to agree. We want to help you through this…we…I…Goddamn it Quatre! Why? Why didn't you tell us? Why couldn't you trust us enough to tell us?"  
  
I've never seen Trowa this emotional. Never. There are actually tears in his eyes.  
  
I hang my head, trying to escape his piercing gaze. Trying to sort out not only my thoughts, but his as well. He's deeply hurt. Why didn't I trust them? What did I think they would do?  
  
Leave me. I thought they would leave me. They would hate me if they found out. But that isn't the case at all. They know, but they're still here for me. I feel like an even bigger jerk now. My friends are here for me and I can't even trust them. I don't deserve such friendship…  
  
"Quatre? Cat? You ok?"  
  
"Ya…um. Ya." He feels terrible and I feel terrible and right now I just want to curl up in a hole and disappear.  
  
"I'm sorry Trowa. I'm so sorry! I…I was just so scared! I mean, look what happened the last time people found out about me!" A tiny slightly hysterical giggle escapes but I can't stop now.  
  
"I had never even had contact with people my own age before, much less friends! I didn't know how you'd all react. I thought…I thought you would think I was a freak and would never talk to me again…or…or…"  
  
"Or what?"  
  
"I thought you'd kill me."  
  
"What? Why would we do that?" Concern and worry and hurt are all coming off him in waves now.  
  
"Can you really blame me? I mean, up until recently, the most important thing to all of us was the mission and saving the people. If any of you had thought I was a risk to the people because of what I was would you have hesitated to take me out?"  
  
He's silent for a long time. I don't even have to be psychic to know what his answer would have been.  
  
"But you know now that none of us would ever hurt you. Ever. You know that, right? Right Cat?"  
  
"Ya, I guess."  
  
"Believe me when I tell you that any one of us would never let you be hurt in any way. We're here for you Cat. We…we love you Cat. Don't judge us by the way we used to be…we didn't know any better than to fight. You're important to us. You always have been. It's just taken a while for some of us to realize it."  
  
"I know. I love you guys too."  
  
"So…since we're here for you, will you consider talking to us? I mean, you don't have to or anything…but I think it would be good for us, and for you."  
  
He looks nervous and I can tell that it isn't just about the "lets get Cat to talk to us" mission anymore. He truly wants me to have someone to talk to.  
  
"Thank you Trowa. I want to talk to you guys. I…you're right. It'll be good for me. But I…if I'm not comfortable…I mean…there are some things…I don't know if I can…"  
  
"Cat, this is for you. Feel free to tell us whatever you can. But first, how about something to eat? Getting your butt kicked must have taken it all out of you."  
  
We both laugh a little at this. I'm so lucky to have a friend like Trowa. I'm so lucky to have all of them. 

-----------  
  
Coming downstairs to face the other pilots turned into an ordeal in itself. I was so wrapped up in worrying and trying to sense what the others were thinking about me that I guess I psyched myself out. That, and tripped over the carpet and fell down the stairs. Yay for being a ditzy blonde.  
  
I am, as always, amazed by reaction time of my fellow pilots. By the third thump on the way down the three of them were all crowded at the bottom of the steps looking up at me as I proceeded to half roll, half flail my way down the stairs. I'm pretty sure that Duo would have cracked up into unstoppable laughter had the whole situation not been so sad.  
  
Quatre Winner: CEO of the Winner Corporations, ex-Gundam pilot, has taken dance lessons since he was three years old, can't walk to save his life.  
  
As it was he had a coughing fit from trying not to laugh and Heero had to smack him on the back several times until he stopped.  
Hearing all the commotion, Trowa decided to join us (finally). He didn't even need to ask me what happened. He knows me too well.  
  
Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table, an ice pack on my post-migraine head and a heating pad on my aching back. Now that I'm finally ready to take stock of the situation I realize that there are a lot of people crowded around me. There are all of the guys, Relena, Hilde…wait, when did she get here? Helima is making tea and Irea is looking for the aspirin for my headache. Besides those two it looks like all my other sisters who live at home at the moment are here too. Lina and Rihana are studying to be a physical therapist and a pharmacist, respectively, at the local college where Helima is also attending as an Arabic major. Khalida has decided she never wants to grow up and move out, but at nineteen is starting to feel the affects of living at home with nothing to do. Samirah and Qamra are finishing up high school.  
  
Suddenly I feel more loved and wanted than I have in a long time. Samirah is talking a mile a minute, as usual. I think Heero is getting annoyed. Qamra looks like she doesn't know what to do. She's very pretty but almost painfully shy among guys. And there are a lot of good looking guys here at the moment. I have always kind of wondered if being good-looking was a prerequisite for piloting a Gundam. Not that I think I'm all that great…I mean, I used to color myself brown with magic markers, but I have grown into myself a bit. Maybe being blonde isn't so bad. Ow. Allah. My back did not like that movement. In fact, I think it's a good thing I'm blonde. Saves me the trouble of explaining to people that I'm a klutz.  
  
The other girls are sitting around the big wooden table which dominates our relatively small kitchen. The guys are lounging around the edges of the room almost at a loss for what to do when there is so much estrogen in one room. Despite the fact that everyone is worried and a little tense the atmosphere is friendly and reassuring. It's nice to have not only my family but my friends as well all gathered in one spot.  
  
Ah, but all good things must come to an end.  
  
"Cat? Do you think you're ready? There's no rush," Trowa is looking at me kindly.  
  
I look around the table once and see and feel only support and love. I can do this. I'm ready. Bring on the inquisition.  
  
"I just want to ask you a few questions, ok Cat?" Irea asks carefully,"If you want I can tell some of these guys to leave…?"  
  
"No. It's ok. I'd…I'd like them to hear what I'm going to say. Go ahead. I'm ready."  
  
"First of all, I want you to know that even though you've been doing a good job of trying to hide what's happening from us we're your big sisters and will always know everything about you. That being said, I want to know why you didn't come to any of us for help?"  
  
Damn. I knew that one would come up sooner or later. After all, it was the same one Trowa had asked me first.  
  
"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to bother you guys with my problems anymore. I'm supposed to be the man of the family now, right? I couldn't let you think I couldn't do my job or something."  
  
It takes them a moment to realize that I'm serious before all of my sisters crack up into laughter. I must admit I am very taken aback at first. Then I remember that my sisters can find me humorous any time, any where.  
  
"Oh Cat! We're not laughing at you! Well…hehe…ok, we sort of are, but it's not what you're thinking!" Samirah is gasping for breath and cracks up even more after seeing the stunned look on my face.  
  
"We were just talking about it the other day," Irea says after calming down a bit," You are, and will always be, our little brother, and well…to hear you say that you're 'the man of the house' is just too funny! Oh, come now! Don't be mad. All I mean to say is that, it's just too strange to think of you taking care of us 'women folk' when I can clearly remember changing your diapers as a baby."  
  
I'm laughing a little at this. I guess when I think about it it is pretty funny. All this time I thought I was the one taking care of my sisters and they have never stopped taking care of me! By this point even the other guys are laughing. For several moments no one can do anything because waves after waves of laughter are cutting off any chance at conversation.  
  
Afterwards everyone is much calmer, the tension and worry is all but gone from the room. Suddenly it's not so much an interrogation as it is a time for me to share my feelings with the people I love.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry," I say after the small room is quiet again," I never meant to worry any of you. I'm glad you're here for me."  
  
"We'll always be here for you Cat, don't ever forget that," Qamra pipes up from the corner where she's been hiding out.  
  
"Thank you Qamra."  
  
"Well, ok. One question down…a whole bunch to go," Irea continues, pretending to scratch off a question on an imaginary list.  
  
"How long have you been having trouble with your empathy? At, least, it seems that's what's been bothering you."  
  
"I don't really know…maybe a year? Actually I think it might have been happening before that. Ya. I think I've been having problems since after…since after Father died."  
  
"Since after Father died? Are you sure? That was almost two years ago, Cat!" Helima says, shock evident in her voice.  
  
"Or maybe it was because of Zero," Heero says in his usual monotone.  
  
"No, I don't think so. I remember floating right after Father died," I say without thinking.  
  
"Floating?"  
  
"Umm…ya. That's what happens when I have an episode. I just call it floating for lack of a better term. Sometimes it's like having my empathy on overdrive and I can hear and feel everyone in the world. Sometimes it's memories, but they're all messed up somehow. Sometimes I can't even tell what's going on. It's like…it's like…." I keep making the same frantic swirling gesture with my hands. As though that's going to help me come up with what I need to say.  
  
"What is it like, Quatre?" Irea asks, all concern now.  
  
"I don't know. I keep thinking the same thing in my mind but it doesn't seem right."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I keep thinking it's like death," I say in a whisper.  
  
Everyone goes still and even as I say it I know it's the right thing to say. Somewhere it strikes a chord of truth within me. It's like death.  
  
My voice goes very quiet as I continue. "You know, all those times that I…was…killed…in the labs…I never remembered what happened while I was…not alive. Dr. Azrael was so angry. He couldn't understand how we couldn't remember anything."  
  
"I never knew his name was Dr. Azrael," Irea says softly, trying not to break the mood.  
  
"Yes. We were called Azrael's children. The others were named after the other groups they were in. I never knew the real name of the doctor that…experimented on me. He was always Dr. Azrael and we were always Azrael's children."  
  
"How did you know that? I didn't think you were ever conscious when they took you out of the cells and brought you into the labs. At least, that's what the video footage showed," Irea continues, almost relentlessly. I can tell it's hard for her to say these things, but she's turned on her "doctor" mask and is saying everything in that clinical professional way she has.  
  
"I wasn't ever conscious when I was taken out and actually injected. I wasn't conscious until I was returned to my cell…when my body started to die…that's when I was the most awake. But I could sense things. Maybe that's what I saw when I died. I could see the lab assistants and the scientists talking about the projects, could see them going about their routine even though I couldn't see out of the room where I was kept. Or maybe all of that was just a side effect of the drugs and not really what I saw at all."  
  
"Quatre," Wufei begins with contemplative look on his face," Do you think that what you're seeing now when you 'float,' as you call it, could be what you saw when your body was dead and was just repressed by your mind because of all the stress you were under?"  
  
"That's what I've been thinking, because honestly, I don't know what else it could be. The things I see…sometimes they're very bad."  
  
"How many times a day do you have these episodes?" Irea has taken out a piece of paper and a pencil as is rapidly copying what I say.  
  
"At first? Maybe once a month. Now…it's more like several times a day."  
  
"Do you always remember what you think about during these episodes?"  
  
"Not really. Most of the time I'm just left with the feel of it, no specifics to speak of."  
  
Irea is lost in thought for a moment, the eraser on her pencil pressed into her chin.  
  
"I wonder what could be causing these episodes. If they began after Father died and have been increasing in frequency and intensity…" She wanders off into her own thoughts, still mumbling.  
  
"Do you know what's causing them Quatre?" Relena asks. It's the first time she's spoken in a while now.  
  
"Honestly? No. I don't. I do have some theories though…"  
  
"Like what?" Irea asks, snapping out of her ponderings.  
  
"It's nothing definite, and I think I'm going to need some help figuring them out in the first place."  
  
"Well, anything you need, we're here to help you with," Trowa says immediately.  
  
"I think…I think it's time to get in touch with her again…she would be my only hope of figuring out what's going on," I say as I drift off into memory.  
  
"Her who?"  
  
"Why, the only other child of Azrael to survive, that's who."  
  
_"And as, in sparkling majesty, a star Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud:  
Brightening the half-veil'd face of heaven afar:  
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,  
Sweet Hope! celestial influence round me shed,  
Waving thy silver pinions o'er my head."_ 1

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Whoo, finally done with chapter 7! I hope that cleared a few things up. It would suck if this chapter only made things more confusing…but anyway. Big thanks to my reviewers for last chapter: Bibliomaniac, dark vampire, Mlaine xoxo. You guys always inspire me to blow off studying and write some more.  
  
-NostalgieMalaak  
  
1 from "To Hope" by John Keats 


	8. Awakenings

Drowning: Chapter 8

**Awakenings**

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing

_/talky talky talk/ _empathic/telepathic thoughts

Notes: thanks as always to my reviewers: Mlaine, you kick ass. Bibliomaniac, always an inspiration.

Side note: (My little brother looks just like Cat. When he was younger well, I should say whenever he gets bored 'cause he still does this he liked to color himself pretty colors with markers. I'm not all that sure why...I thought it was funny though so I put it in the story. Really most of the stuff I put in is from personal experience not the whole experimentation part, thank God. So if you're ever totally confuzzled about stuff in the story, there's probably a funny little anecdote behind it and I'm the only one who will get it. I think it's either funny or sad that I amuse myself so much.)

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

_Here we are. Can you see us? Can you hear us? We can see you. We can hear everything. _

_There we were. Could you see us? Could you hear us? We couldn't see anything. We could hear only suffering._

_Where will we go? Can you help us? Can you tell us? We're lost and afraid. We need your love._

"_Hush now, my baby_

_Be still, love, don't cry_

_Sleep as you're rocked by the stream_

_Sleep and remember_

_My last lullaby_

_So I'll be with you when you dream" _1

_Quaaaatre...Quaaaatre...where are you love?_

Where are you? I can't find you!

_Quatre...I'm right here little one. I've always been with you..._

Wait! Where are you? I can't find you. Wait! Mother! Mother! Please! Don't leave me...

_Quaaaatre...Quaaaatre..._

"Quatre!"

"Mother!"

It was a dream. It wasn't real. Where am I? There are tears on my cheeks. Someone is gripping my shoulder. Someone is speaking but there's a rushing sound in my ears and I can't hear them!

"What? What? I can't...! Wait!"

"Quatre," It's Relena. She's here with me.

"Quatre, how are you feeling?" She's concerned and worried. Not a good sign. Relena tends to get as overprotective as my sisters when she's like this.

"Strange. I...I had a very strange dream...episode, whatever," I say nervously, running a shaky hand through my hair.

"You were calling out to someone in your sleep. What does 'Um' mean?" she asks quietly. _2_

"Never mind," I don't know why I don't tell her. It's not like it makes sense anyway. I never had a mother anyway.

"What time is it?"

"It's a little after three AM. You should try to get some sleep."

"Oh, Allah, Relena. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to wake you..."

"It's ok. I wasn't asleep anyway," she looks sad and worn out.

"What's the matter 'Lena? Is something troubling you?" I'm not really sure I want to know, but I've never been able to say no to anyone in need.

"Well...it's nothing. Well, ok. It's not nothing. God! Why are men so fucking stupid?!" She shoots a contrite look in my direction as if to say 'no offense or anything'.

"Heero problems?" I ask, managing to look sincere. By Allah am I tired of hearing about boy problems. Why every female I have ever known feels like I'm the perfect person to vent their man troubles with is beyond me.

"He tries. I know he does. It's just...it's not enough! I don't want to be the one who carries the entire relationship! I mean, doesn't he want to be with me? I love him and he...he treats it like it's no big deal!" She's so upset by now she's pacing back and forth in front of me. It's strange but it seems like the most logical thing in the world to be having a conversation about relationships at three in the morning. Early morning does that. Makes every conversation seem like the most profound thing ever uttered by human lips.

"Relena, calm down. He does love you. I know he does. You know he does. It's just hard for him. He's not used to expressing his feelings. This is all really new to him, you know? Besides, you're only sixteen. You both have plenty of time to develop a deep relationship. Just take things slow. He might just be overwhelmed right now and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to draw back into himself."

"Ya...you're right. You're such a good friend Quatre. I know we don't see each other all that often but when we do you always make me feel better. Thank you," she says, giving me a brief hug and a small smile.

"Any time," Hmmm...that's why they all come to me. Way to go, pushover.

"You need to talk about anything? Besides everything that's going on with you right now? Not that I don't want to hear about that...but...really I don't want to hear about it," she giggles a little. I can tell she's blushing even though the only light on in my room is the small reading lamp over my bed. Finally! Someone else who understands! It's not enough that I can't go out in direct sunlight without turning into a lobster, but to turn beet red every time I get even the tiniest bit embarrassed?

"I'm ok now. I'm sorry, again, for waking you."

"It's fine. Thanks for the talk. I'll see you tomorrow, k?" she says softly as she leaves my room, closing the door behind her.

It takes me a long time to get back to sleep, even though I was incredibly tired from all the nightmares. I can't even tell anymore when I'm having a nightmare or an episode. They both feel so much alike. I finally sleep a little in the early morning.

--------

It's been almost four hours and no episodes. I'm almost jittery with relief. This morning I was able to sit down with my family and eat breakfast and hold a pleasant conversation with them.

After breakfast Qamra decided to the park this afternoon to see the outdoor art show. Khalida plunked herself down in front of the tv in our main living room and proceeded to have a twenty four hour Casablanca-thon. Samirah watched for a while, got bored, and decided a little Wufei stalking was in order. The others took some of the guys on a site seeing trip around the colony. Isra called. We talked. Brother-sister stuff. She's coming home in a few days. I love it when she's here. She's definitely my coolest sister. Mostly because she sneaks me into clubs late at night then we spend the rest of the night talking. I can talk about anything with her and she never thinks I'm stupid or too childish. I can't wait until she gets here.

Maybe I'll go to Mosque today. I haven't been in a while, ever since the episodes started getting worse. Today I'm feeling really good though. I really miss going. For a while during I tried so hard not to believe in God. After all, how could an all-merciful, all-compassionate God let such evil in the world? In the end though, I realized that I could never give up on my beliefs. I guess that's what it means to have faith. Maybe it's because it reminds me of my dad. We went to Mosque together every Friday. It was our time to be together. Just the two of us.

Trowa's still here. Maybe I could do something with him. Say my afternoon prayer here and then hang out with him. Actually, come to think of it, I really want to get out of the house. Relena and Heero must have come to some sort of understanding because they're...well...let's just say it isn't very comfortable to be an empath right now.

I'll go find Trowa and we'll go outside and play football or something for a while. _3 _That'll be fun. Now where could he...oh no. Shit. I thought I was ok...I thought...

_Space is crashing upon itself, like oil waves and white foamy stars. I'm drifting rising up and down with the swells. Planets like great bulbous predators drift through the expanse, crunching up small bits of meteors with massive gaping jaws. They're all around me, near me, waiting. Waiting to swallow me up._

_I'm trying to swim but I'm so tired. My arms ache. There's neon blue streaks in my arms, rivulets of plasmid tears. They can't escape the confines of my too-pale skin; they drag me down. _

_My head feels like it's full of cotton. I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I won't let it in. I won't let the black waters in, but it hurts so much. They're like snakes in my arms! Writhing around and pulling me down. I want them out! Get out of me. Get out! _

_Tear at them. Tear with teeth and claws. Animals don't feel for others. I don't want to feel for others. They put blue acid snakes in me and let the black waters come in all around me and I'll claw them out! I'll bite them! My teeth are full of blood. My mouth is full of bone. There's muscle stuck between my teeth. When I close my jaw it crunches on plasmid snakes and pure white bone. My bones. I've torn them out in shards with my teeth! I don't care. I feel nothing. I feel nothing! I feel NOTHING!_

I come to in a haze of pain. Trowa is holding me and screaming. There's blood everywhere.

Oh God.

I've torn my arms open.

My sisters are coming. They have stricken looks in their faces and fear cramped in their stomachs. I want to tell them that I'm ok. I got them out I want to say. I didn't drown.

--------

I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's just a phone call. I make phone calls all the time. Most of my day is spent talking to people over the vid-phone. Yep. I am the king of calling. Then why can't I do this?!

Deep breaths. Maybe I shouldn't do this now. It can wait.

I look down at my arms. They're covered in bandages. It wasn't as bad as it had looked. One can only scratch so deep. It had taken an hour to clean the blood out from under my fingernails.

I must do this. I can do this. I can. I can.

I...oh Allah. Look at her.

"Hello?" she says politely.

She's polite! Yes! She's lovely and polite! Oh, Allah. She's not just lovely. She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Ever. She has long wavy red hair. Red like rubies, like red leaves in fall...like...like...and her eyes! They seem to look right into my soul. Such a clear beautiful green. Her dainty little mouth is turned up in a slight smile...her eyebrows look so soft...

I've never felt this way before.

Oh Allah! What the hell am I doing? Say something. Say something idiot! Oh shit. Why am I still not saying anything? SAY SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

"Ummm...." O...My...Fucking....GOD. You are THE BIGGEST MORON EVER!!!!!

Say something else! It's not too late! She hasn't hung up yet. Go. Say: my name is Quatre. Say it. It's not hard. Quatre. Quatre.

"Quatre."

"What?" Great. Now she's looking at me like I'm crazy. "Can I help you with something?"

"Ya. I mean...um...ya. I'm uh. I'm uh..." uh oh, that can't be good...

"I'm Quatre," _finally_ you dumbshit, "Quatre Raberba Winner."

"Oh...oh!" her eyes go big when she recognizes the name. She looks absolutely adorable that way...

"...honored to have you call me." Shit! I missed something! I missed the first part. Jesus Winner, get it together!

"What can I do for you Mr. Winner?" she's very professional now...I bet she's really smart. Beautiful and smart...

"Please, call me Quatre, or Cat...my friends all call me Cat and I know we've just met but it's still cool for you to call me Cat and all that..." If there is a god, I wish he would have mercy on me and end my miserable little existence right now.

"Alright then. Cat it is." She didn't even seem to mind that I'm retarded. And she called me Cat! Cat, cat, cat. I love the way she says it. Cat...

"You're Sara A'Mal?" Finally a non-stupid question.

"Yes, that's right."

"Ms. A'Mal..."

"Sara. I mean, Sara's fine Mr. Win...Cat," She's turning red just a little at the tips of her ears. She tucks her long hair behind her ears in a nervous gesture.

"Sara. I'm calling you because...because I need your help. At least, I hope you can help me," I say. She looks stunned and composed all at the same time.

"I'll do everything I can to help, but I don't understand. Why me? You're heir to one of the wealthiest and most influential families there is! How could I possibly help you?"

"Because we're not as different as you think we are. Because you're an empath. And I know this because you were a child of Azrael."

She's so shocked she looks like she might pass out. Her face is completely drained of color. I wish I could help her, but I'm too far away! Why didn't I go to her in person...

"You were there," she says so quietly I would have missed had I not been looking right at her and read her lips.

"Yes."

"I remember you," she says, this time a little louder, "You stayed with the dying ones...you stayed with them until they passed..."

"Can you help me?" I whisper. I didn't mean for it to happen, but somehow a little desperation crept into my voice.

"You're in pain now...can't control it. You lost your anchor somehow," She's staring far back into my eyes now. I wonder if this is what I look like when I look at people, when I really _see _them.

_/You I feel like you're I'm drowning/_

"Yes."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

Well there's chapter 8. Yepper depper.

-NostalgieMalaak

1 from _The Prince of Egypt _"Deliver Us"

2 "Um" means mother in Arabic

3 European football aka soccer


	9. Revelation and Devotion

Drowning: Chapter 9

**Revelation and Devotion**

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing

Notes:  thank you to all my readers and reviewers.  Without you guys I wouldn't do this...ok that's a lie.  I would still write but it wouldn't be nearly as fun! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to...other people

­­­

* * *

_Every step I took was difficult. The wind seemed intent on tearing me down, flinging harsh sand against my cheeks that cut against me like tiny knives. More oppressive than the sinking sands beneath my sandals or the sharp sands digging into my skin was the unmerciful sun. _

_I was drawn to it. Utterly and absolutely obsessed with looking into the sun's destructive light. You can't look at the sun in space. It would blind you instantaneously. I could stand to look at the sun on Earth though. Even if it was only for a few seconds before my eyes begin to blur with pain. _

_People think the desert is empty. It is far from that. Everywhere there is movement. Everywhere death is waiting with a thousand different faces, shrieking in a thousand long forgotten tongues. And yet, there is such beauty too. Such terrible beauty. Seductive. Graceful. Powerful. _

_I had never been so humbled in my life; that first day I had set foot on the planet. Space may sing, but Earth groans with massive power. A mother giving birth and seeing her children die millions of times every second. _

_I was overcome with emotion that day. I barely remember the battle that occurred or rejoining the Maganacs. I remember feeling like a part of me that had been missing was suddenly found. I remember being overwhelmed by the alien feel of the planet beneath my feet, in my eyes, in every breath I took. I remember feeling very alone though I was surrounded by friends. I remember feeling very young and very old all at once._

_I had come from the stars to a strange world to save my people. And I was more alien to the people on that planet than just a difference in skin and hair and eyes. I looked into their souls and I couldn't understand them. _

_It wasn't until I found the others pilots that the horror of discovering my terrifying uniqueness began to dissipate. Oh, I had always known I was different. But in space, the difference mattered so much less. Already, the people there were well on their way to becoming as I was and am. On Earth the difference was so great it was like looking at the rest of humanity from the other side of a massive canyon. And rather than seeing them as the primitive, the old, the thing of the past, they made me seem the elder, ageless, as though my kind had always been there and humans were the novel ones, so fresh and full of life. _

_It was only in the other pilots that I recognized myself. My determinedness, my strength of character, my need to have a purpose, and my strangeness._

_There was Trowa, who I connected with the instant I came in contact with him. A boy born and raised on Earth in horrific conditions, constantly surrounded by blood and death, who moved with the grace and rhythm of space. _

_Duo. The wisecracking, enthusiastic American colonist who, like me, was a stranger to the planet. His wicked smile and love for life cut through like the brightest stars and embodied the youth and adventure that still lived in all those who left behind the solid Earth to live amongst those selfsame stars._

_Wufei I wouldn't meet until later. Wufei carried with him all the traditions and fierce pride of a long forgotten age on a no longer familiar planet. He always carried with him the fiery nature of a race of explorers and risk takers who never looked back._

_Then there was Heero. Heero who I later came to realize was the Heart of Outer Space. He was the will and desires and hopes of a people so downtrodden they couldn't even find themselves. A people that threw away it's children to the gods of suffering and fires and indescribable torment just for one last struggling grasp at the humanness that was leaving them behind. Heero was all these things. Brutal and loving. Mysterious and completely familiar. Human and something beyond human._

_Now whenever I return to the desert I think of them, my brothers who are my brothers not by blood but by soul. I think of them because they are always with me, in my mind and heart at all hours of the day. They are the sand beneath my feet, the wind on my cheek, the sun in my eyes. They burn more brightly within me than any supernova, and I can't help but love them. _

_----------_

"Oi! Pass the peanut butter will ya?" Duo practically yells across the kitchen.

"Maxwell, you have the manners of an ape," Wufei retorts, still holding the plastic jar filled with super chunky peanut butter.

"Puuullllleaaaassssseee Wufie!" Duo whines.

"It's Wufei! Just for that I won't give you any!"

"Fine! I don't need any of your stinkin' peanut butter. And neither does Quatre. Right Cat?" Duo turns to me and I understand him perfectly.

"It's ok Wufei," I say meekly, "You keep the peanut butter. I guess I just won't have anything to eat right now. No, no! I'm fine, really. I'm sure the dizziness will pass in a few minutes..."

That and a soft little sigh are all that it takes for Wufei to relent and soon Duo and I are crunching away on peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

It's just the five of us all crowded around my wooden kitchen table. I love this table. It has so much history. That's where Noya dropped the hot tea kettle and burned a mark into the smooth finish. That's where Maryam broke off a bit of the edge of the table when she tried to whack Zulema across the head with a rolling pin. Over there's where Kadira, Jala, Nafeeze, and Altair used to sit and play cards after a stressful day at the company while us youngest siblings played amidst their feet. There are so many memories tied to this table. It only seems right that the five of us should all be here together; our only responsibility is to being ourselves and nothing more. Here is where I'm comfortable and happy.

"Hey Quatre..." Trowa says lifting an eyebrow and inclining his head a little toward the honey. I think I have him hooked on the stuff. He's already had four sandwiches that consisted of only bread and honey.

"Do you just want a spoon?" I ask him, getting up to get one out of the silverware drawer. I'm rewarded with a small blush that creeps over his face. With the spoon he digs out a huge messy glob of honey and proceeds to stick the entire spoon into his mouth at once. He's almost humming he's so happy. It's kind of endearing to know that behind his tough exterior he has guilty pleasures.

I already know what Heero's guilty pleasure is. He's currently working on it at the moment. Rocky Road ice cream with double marshmallows. He always eats it the same way too. First the whole bowl gets mixed up so that it's all a mass of half melted, goopy ice cream. Then, once all the marshmallows are completely saturated in it they're all pushed to the side to be eaten after the rest. Saving the best for last I suppose.

I guess it's really true that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. For us, at least, food has always been very important. Most of us were never allowed to indulge in such foods and in Duo's case there wasn't much of any kind of food to indulge in. During the war it was hard because we were on our own. No supply trains or provisions were sent to keep us alive. It's difficult to believe, but yes, the heir to the Winner family has eaten out of trash cans. Several times in fact.

I have yet to find out what Wufei likes, besides tea. Out of all the pilots I know him the least. We met only at the end of the war and he tended to be too intimidating to get to know very well. The only real heart to heart I've ever had with him was when he was looking after me in the infirmary on MOII. I had just gotten out of surgery from the stab wound I had received, and was awakened to find him by my bedside. I had been expecting Trowa or Duo or even Heero, but not Wufei.

Apparently he had asked to be there for me. He told me how brave he thought I was, to go on fighting even though I was injured. He explained to me how much he had come to respect me while we were on Peacemillion for my battle strategies. I was very touched by this and told him so. We ended up talking for almost an hour. It turned out we had a lot in common. Out of all the pilots we were the only ones to grow up somewhat normally. We both were scholars of sorts and had a great love for literature and history. And tea. Oh yes the tea. Most of the tea in my home my family makes themselves. It's sort of a tradition. Wufei and I traded many good tea recipes that afternoon.

I want to make him something special to eat though. I think that's one of the best ways to express friendship to someone: make them their favorite foods. Maybe I'll learn how to make authentic Chinese food. I bet he misses it. The Preventors provide food and housing but authentic Chinese probably isn't a popular thing to feed European soldiers.

Duo's the easiest to please. He likes practically anything. I'm pretty sure it comes from growing up on the streets with nothing to eat. Anything would be better than that. I do know however that anything with peanut butter is bound to make him happy.

Thus the strange assortment of food we were eating: peanut butter and honey sandwiches with Rocky Road ice cream and tea. Not too bad for a midnight snack if I do say so myself.

None of us had been able to sleep. Well, actually they weren't _letting _me go to sleep. After scratching myself up pretty good this afternoon they had decided that my episodes had gotten too serious for me to be ever be left alone. That and we were still waiting on some test results. Irea's really going all out for me to be up this late getting everything done. I doubt she'll find anything though. None of the other hundreds of tests have shown anything except increased brain activity which _I_ could have told her. She wants to figure something out before Sara gets here though. Ah, Sara...just thinking about her coming here makes my stomach do these weird little flip flops.

"Hey! Hey Cat! Helllooo, Earth to Cat!" Duo drawls as he waves a hand frantically in front of my face.

"Quit it! I'm fine," I say with a little giggle.

"I bet you were thinking about that hot girl you called today!" Duo is of course as receptive as ever. I'm blushing like mad now and he's laughing.

"Oooh! I think little Catty-kins has a girlfriend!" he crows triumphantly.

"Leave him alone Duo," Trowa says calmly, the honey muffling his words a little.

"She's not my girlfriend! Allah, Duo. I hardly know her."

"Then how come you're so sure she can help you?" Wufei asks a little menacingly. He's very distrustful of her and I'm not quite sure why. He's angry and..._jealous?_ Why would he be jealous?

"I don't know if she can help me, but if anyone could it would be her."

"You just said yourself that you don't know her! You know us! Why won't you let _us _help you!" Wufei is shouting. Ah, so that's where the jealousy is coming from. He thinks I'm going to ditch them. For some reason that's unbearably sweet to me, that he values and needs my friendship like that.

"Wufei, calm down. We all want Quatre to get better and if this girl can help we should be totally supportive of her," Heero says. Ever the voice of reason.

"Thank you Heero. Don't worry guys. It's not like she's going to hurt me or anything. I felt...I felt complete sincerity from her. She's been through as much as I have. I really want to meet her. On the phone she seemed to know what was going on with me. She just..._knew_. It was so weird...having someone be able to look at me like that and know things..."

"Welcome to our lives, Cat!" Duo says, breaking the silence that had fallen over us, "I always kind of wondered how you could just know stuff about us all the time. In fact...it was really kind of scary to tell you the truth...when we found out about what you can do and all...I mean, are you listening to us all the time? Do you know what I'm thinking? Do you...I saw you...can you do other things besides...look?"

They're all very uncomfortable now. I can tell that this conversation has nothing to do with believing me or trusting me. They believe and trust in me completely. Right now they're very curious and a little bit afraid too.

"I can't read thoughts, only emotions. I don't...I don't mean to know how you're feeling, but I can feel you...all the time in fact. Most of the time I can't tell who's feeling what though, unless it's really strong. It's like having a million different voices all going on at the same time, only they're not really thoughts, but emotions and sometimes images. It's all mixed together. To tell you the truth...most of the time I'm too busy trying to shut it all out to pay much attention to any specific emotions, people. As for being able to do anything else..."

I don't want to tell them. They're already freaked out enough. I can't lie to them though. I've already kept enough secrets from them. I want them to be able to trust me. I want to be able to trust _them._

"As for other things...ya I can do other things."

"What?" Trowa asks kindly.

"I can...sometimes I can influence people...influence their emotions. I can make them feel what I want them to."

They're silent for a long time after that. I don't want to feel what they're feeling right now but I can't help it. They're deeply disturbed and afraid. Shit. I didn't want them to feel this way! I had hoped...I had hoped they would be able to accept it...to accept me.

"Have you ever influenced any of us this way?" Heero finally asks, his voice flat and dead.

"Yes."

The silence that greets this is more terrifying than anything I have experienced so far. Their emotions are so wild that it's overwhelming me and yet they're not moving, their faces not betraying anything. Suddenly I'm very afraid. Afraid that now they're going to hate me, to leave me. Maybe they'll hurt me. They feel like they might want to. They're so angry! Oh God.

I'm so terrified I'm trembling. I can't move. I'm sitting here with my half eaten sandwich in front of me and quaking with terror. My mind seems so detached from my body that I can't make any of my limbs move. I won't move then. I'll sit here and let them do what they want to with me.

Strong arms come around me from the back. Here it comes. I close my eyes tightly and tense every muscle in my body. I don't want it to hurt, but it probably will.

The pain never comes. Heero is hugging me. Holding me snuggly against his chest and he's hugging me. I'm so stunned I can't breathe.

Then suddenly I'm being enveloped in strong warm arms. Trowa and Wufei are at my sides. Duo is kneeling at my feet, his arms wrapped securely around my middle, his cheek pressed into my shirt. We stay that way for a long time.

My trembling has magnified ten fold. My whole body is wracked with silent sobs. There are tears falling onto the top of Duo's head but he doesn't seem to mind. He just holds me tighter. I'm surrounded with so much love I don't know what to think or do. I just let the emotion move me and I cry for a long long time.

Finally the tears dry up and I am able to look up again. The other guys return to their chairs around the table. Trowa is sitting next to me, rubbing comforting circles on my back. I feel like I've just had the most intense work-out of my life.

"You don't hate me?" I manage to squeak out.

"Quatre..." Trowa says softly, "We could never hate you. We love you."

"Ya Cat," Duo says, wiping the tear tracks of my face with his fingers.

"Quatre," Wufei says, looking me straight in the eye, "Although it is somewhat disturbing to know these things about you, they don't change how we feel about you. I am a little upset that you felt the need to use us as you did, but that doesn't make us hate you."

"I didn't mean to...I never meant to hurt you. It was just little things...after the really rough battles on Peacemillion. I just didn't want you guys to be so sad and upset. I just tried to make you feel better...I..."

"That was you?" Duo asks, wonder creeping into his voice.

"You were what helped us relax after battles? I always sort of figured..." Wufei replies with a small smile.

"Then you're not mad?" I ask, hope fluttering around in my stomach.

"How could we be mad when you were only trying to help us? Oh, Quatre...you really are amazing, you know that?" Trowa says, a full blown smile crossing his features as he moves to give me another hug, "Simply amazing."

Everyone is smiling at me with such affection in their eyes that I can feel myself getting choked up. They don't hate me. They're not going to leave me.

"Thanks guys. I don't know what I did to deserve such friends..."

"No Quatre. It's us that should be wondering what we did to deserve you. We'd be lost without you," Heero says with great warmth.

We're all quiet for a while, just basking in the glow of each others' friendship and devotion. Duo has stolen Trowa's spoon and is sucking on a big glob of peanut butter. I'll have to warn my sisters that Duo's been double dipping in the peanut butter jar. Or maybe I won't.

* * *

Not so much action in that chapter, but I'm afraid I'm emotionally exhausted now, so I'll see you all next chapter. 

-NostalgieMalaak.


	10. Foresight of Sorrow

Drowning: Chapter 10

**Foresight of Sorrow **

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing, violence

Notes: okay friends, I'm not going to be able to post another chapter after this one for about a week. I'm going home for Thanksgiving (yay!) but sadly I have no internet there. I promise to keep writing while I'm there though, so hopefully there will be several new chapters posted when I get back to school. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday! (And if you're not American I hope you have a wonderful week!)

Side note: Quatre's guilty pleasure would definitely have to be coffee ice cream with peanut m&ms, just 'cause it's the best ever! Don't believe me? Go try it!

Disclaimer: don't own (still)

* * *

­­­The announcement came on the early news. I wasn't awake to hear it, but it hardly mattered since the story played continually throughout the day. It's weird when something like that happens. All the news stations stay on that one topic all day. Hardly any new discoveries are made, but they still feel they should stay on the air saying the same things over and over again. Every station wants to be _the _station that gets the new development first. I couldn't have cared less.

All of my house guests are gathered around are main tv in the living room. They've been like that since breakfast. My sisters and I can't bear to watch any more. After all, we've known about this for years and no one believed us. Humanity has no choice but to believe it now.

The Preventors captured Dr. Azrael.

They found him in an old lab, still trying to run his experiments using dogs and cats and all sorts of animals. Most of them were dead when the agents broke into the lab. The scientist put up hardly any fight at all. On the news his arrest was played over and over again.

There was one part of the arrest that stood out very clearly in my mind. It was hard to catch at first, but it was there. There was a short instant when he turned to the camera following him into the back of the Preventor's squad car and mouthed something at it. When Heero saw it he turned and looked at me. We both knew what he said.

"Death awaits my children."

I didn't say anything to anyone else and neither did Heero. Truthfully, I wasn't sure what it meant, but it had scared me. Badly.

After seeing that I didn't feel like watching any more. I let the servants have the day off and my sisters and I did the breakfast dishes together. The only sound in the kitchen the clinking of glasses and plates as they were washed and dried. I could tell that none of them knew what to do.

Irea came back from the lab sometime during that interminably long morning. The results from my tests had yielded nothing, just as I had predicted. We were all in a state of disbelief. The morning passed in a wave of unreality. I kept expecting to wake up from another one of my episodes, but after a night of tossing and turning brought on by them, Duo sitting by me all night long, it seemed as though they had abated for a while. I was in no mood to celebrate this small victory.

Dr. Azrael had been captured. After ten years he still looked the same to me. I didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand I was happy he had been caught. On the other, I wished it had never happened because now it meant that I would once again have to face my past. Only this time, my father wasn't here to help me through it.

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Sara's scheduled to arrive by shuttle around four in the afternoon. I had already planned to go there myself and pick her up, but now that I let the servants go I'll have to drive myself over to the shuttle port. I don't mind driving. I quite enjoy it in fact. I just hate driving around my colony.

When my family first helped build the L4 colony cluster they hadn't given much thought to the possibility of having cars there one day. In consequence, the streets are all very narrow and traffic is at a standstill for hours. On top of that, this new incident with Dr. Azrael has got people coming out of the woodworks. Hundreds, if not thousands of protestors are swarming Fayiz square._1 _I can't help but be reminded of the day the colony citizens filled that square shouting for the death of my father.

I don't think my frazzled nerves can handle driving through all that. But just the thought of seeing Sara makes it all worth it. I know, I'll make it into mission. Mission: proceed to shuttle port and retrieve damsel in distress. Mission accepted.

Sad thing is it's not the damsel who's in distress. It's me.

As I'm pulling on my tennis shoes I look up and am surprised to see Duo standing before me.

"Allah! Duo, you scared me!" I say, giving a dramatic sigh.

"Sorry pal! Looks like I haven't lost any of my sneaking and hiding skills! Anyway, I'm here 'cause your sister says you probably shouldn't be driving...you know...with your episodes and all..."

"You want to drive me? I gotta tell you though, traffic is murder on this colony," I say with some skepticism. In reality I had hoped to go alone so I would get to meet Sara alone. I suppose Irea's right though. I really shouldn't be driving when I could flip out at any moment. Killing pedestrians isn't on my "to do" list today.

"Hey no prob! I can handle a little traffic any day! Just one thing, can we take that bitchin sports car you have?"

I know Duo's an excellent pilot; probably the best actually. But driving _my _car? I will be keeping a close eye on one Mr. Maxwell.

Surprisingly, the traffic doesn't get too bad until right around the square. After spending about and hour letting my sports car idle Duo is inching our way through the throngs of people, and then past them, shouting obscenities at other cars and pedestrians alike.

He's driving my father's favorite car. It's small and sleek and the windows are tinted dark so outsiders can't see in. I've always loved this car. When I was twelve I "borrowed" it and ended up driving into a streetlight. Father wasn't too happy about that to say the least. That more than anything else makes me think of this car as "mine" now. I spent a good chunk of my allowance money and hours of scrubbing floors and cleaning all the windows in our house to earn money to repair it. Father could have paid for the damages easily, but we never got off lightly for anything. It worked I guess because now I have a great appreciation for everything I own now. Especially this car.

We drive past the square and past our main office building that borders the square. I spent hours and hours in that building tagging after Father, learning all the secrets of the company. I was expected to work in the filling room in the basement several times a week. Starting from the ground up, my father said. I was pretty much a gopher for the company as a child. I hated it at the time, but now I can see how wise my father really was. I developed a close connection with all the people that work there and they know that I'm a hard worker because of it. When I turn eighteen and take over all aspects of the company I will have a loyal and familiar staff to work with.

Yes, my father was much smarter than I ever gave him credit for. Irea says it's normal for children to think their parents are idiots while growing up and respect them later, but I can't help but think that I must have been an awful child to raise. I hated everything my father said and did and let him know it. I was spoiled and self-centered; too busy feeling sorry for myself for being a test-tube baby, an empathic freak, to realize that I was hurting the people closest to me.

As we drive past a few tears slip down my cheeks and stain my khaki pants. I wish I had been a better child. I wish I had respected my father more. I wish he was here now so I could tell him that.

"You ok Cat?" Duo asks, noticing my tears.

"Ya. Just thinking about stuff," I say quietly. He decides not to push the issue and leaves me to my thoughts. We're silent the rest of the way to the port.

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The shuttle port is almost as busy as the square this time of year. We, more than most other colonies, get a huge influx of tourists. It's one of the reasons our colony is so prosperous. Many of the streets and homes are modeled after the cities found in the pre-colony Middle East complete with bazaars and the like. Many have said it's like stepping back in time. Plus we have many festivals and extravagant parties that bring in a young crowd on the weekends.

I of course never saw any of this growing up, not being allowed to leave home and all both before and after the whole kidnapping incident. Now that I'm pretty much free to come and go as I please I have taken advantage of the many wonderful sites on my home colony and have found it just as exciting as any tourist would. I never grow tired of discovering new and interesting things about the place of my birth.

Now however, I am in no mood for large groups of people. The wash of emotions and noise they're expelling is making me a little sick.

Duo is moving through the groups of people with his natural grace and precision, born from years of striding among the crowds. He's a little ahead of me and to my side so that we are able to co-ordinate our movements. We manage to get through the packed space in no time, weaving and dodging amidst the people in a fluid motion. Duo and I have always worked well together. I'm glad some of my old terrorist habits haven't been forgotten.

While concentrating on just Duo the background emotions die down a little and I'm able to concentrate more. It's fascinating how having an objective and a clear course of action makes even the worse pain seem bearable.

In no time we're at the right gate. It took us a lot less time than I expected, whether this is due to good planning on my part or Duo's terrifying driving skills I have yet to decide.

We still have about an hour to wait for Sara's shuttle to dock. One whole hour. Isn't it interesting how something painful can seem a whole lot worse when you have nothing to keep your mind off it?

"Hey Quatre? You don't look so good man. Maybe you should sit down..."

"Ya, good idea Duo," I say weakly, letting him lead me to a chair. I really wish these chairs were actually as comfortable as they look...

"What's up? You gonna...you know...?"

"No. I don't think so. I can usually tell when an episode's coming on. I'm just tired and stressed. I'm having trouble keeping everyone's emotions out."

"Isn't that what causes these episodes in the first place?" Duo asks worriedly.

"Yes and no. When I'm having an episode I can't shut anything out. It's like having a billion emotions inside me all at the same time. I'm not sure why they come on when they do...it's always when I least expect it though." I say, drifting off into thought. I had never really given much thought as to why I have the episodes when I do. I suppose it's just another mystery for Sara and I to try to work out.

Duo looks even more worried than before. Sometimes I can be too truthful for my own good. He's looks a little freaked out about the whole "billion emotions" thing. I smile warmly at him and clasp his hand in mine, giving it a little shake to tell him I'm ok.

We spend a few minutes talking about things. Just guy talk. How living with Hilde has been going, what new car he's looking at buying, which team is going to win the World Cup. The Desert Foxes are, naturally. The United States? Pulease. They couldn't score a goal if the net was the width of the field. _1_

After a while though I lapse back into silence unable to concentrate on what he's saying. At first he doesn't seem to notice. That's Duo. He could talk until the end of the world and then some. Finally he catches a glimpse of me and stops.

"You're not looking so good again. Do you want some water, or something to eat?"

"Water would be great. I think there's a vendor back there a ways..." I say starting to stand up.

"Nuh uh. No way kiddo. You sit your butt down and I'll go get it. You look like you could topple over any second. I'll be right back." Duo walks back the way we came in, his long braid swishing behind him like some weird inverted tail.

He's gone for several minutes before I start getting a bad feeling. It's like in the wars when I was about to go into battle. Like someone is watching me. I carefully begin to scan the faces of the people nearest to me in the gate. Unfortunately the presence keeps whispering in and out of my ability to detect. It's like they know to shield from me...there!

It's a large man, leaning against the far wall. His dark sunglasses hide they fact that he's looking at me, but I can tell that I'm the reason for his scrutiny. What he wants I can't tell. I just hope Duo gets back soon. Come to think of it, he's been gone for an awfully long time now. It's been almost twenty minutes.

Sunglass man is starting to head in my direction. With as much nonchalance as I can muster I stand up slowly and head for the main area of the shuttle port. He wouldn't dare do anything to me with so many people around. Or would he? His intentions are being hidden from me.

I don't see Duo anywhere. I've passed several vendors he could have stopped at and still no sign of him. This isn't good. Sunglass man is still tailing me. He's good. No one would ever suspect he was following me. But I'm good too. He doesn't even realize that I know he's behind me. His mistake.

I've almost reached the main lobby of the star port. Chills are running up and down my spine. I can feel the man's eyes boring into my back. I try to stay relaxed but all my muscles keep bunching up. Ever nerve and fiber is screaming at me to run. I have to keep calm though. Giving in to fight or flight will only get me hurt, or killed.

I have no time for abstract thought as to why this man might be chasing me and frankly my mind is too intent on escaping and finding Duo to dwell on speculation. He's gaining on me. I've almost reached the end of this corridor. People are swarming around me. Dear Allah let Duo be ok!

Suddenly there's a blur of movement coming from my left. I barely have time to respond as a cold hand latches on to my arm and begins dragging me to the entrance, the person's long...hair? fwapping me in the chest with every step. Duo!

"Duo!" I manage to pant out.

"No time Cat! Just run!"

We're full out sprinting now, knocking angry people out of our way. I barely manage to clear a stack of luggage that Duo has forced me to hurtle over. He won't let go of my arm though. He's filled with anger and fear and the primal elation of the hunt.

We're almost there now. I can see the false sunlight streaming though the glass doors where we first came in...almost there!

Our frantic flight is stopped completely and abruptly as I feel Duo go down beside me.

He's lying face down on the cool ceramic floor, his hair spilled out all around him. There's blood seeping from a small hole in his back.

I stare in open-mouthed horror for close to a minute before a sharp pain radiates out from my shoulder and I sink down into darkness.

* * *

See you next week! Mwahahaha!

-NostalgieMalaak

1 Fayiz means Winner in Arabic

2 The World Cup is the international soccer tournament thingy. (I really don't know too much about sports in general, but soccer guys are hot!) The Desert Foxes are the Algerian soccer/football team. Ironically enough they are actually very very bad, but for the sake of this story, and for the Algerians, we'll pretend that they're awesome in AC 196.


	11. White Flame

Drowning: Chapter 11

**White Flame**

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

**Irea's POV**

Warnings: swearing

Notes: I'm back! And as promised lots of new chapters! I've got them written, just need to touch them up a bit so they should be up in the next few days.

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

I've lived through the death of the only person I ever considered my mother. I've dealt with knowing that my sweet little brother was experimented on at the age of five and went off to war at the age of fifteen. I've lived through the assassination of my father. I don't know if I can live through this. The straw that broke the camel's back…heh. 

Quatre's been gone for almost four hours now. Nobody knows for sure what happened. Oh, Allah…Allah please help me!

Don't cry Irea. Just don't. You must be strong now, strong for your family. Oh, Allah, how I wish Kadira was here. She always knows what to do. She should be here! She's the oldest after all! Why am I left to take care of everything every time?!

Thank God the other pilots are here. I think I would have gone mad except for them. Even with one of their best friends missing and one severely injured they remain calm and focused. I envy them that. Must be from all the training they received. They didn't survive two wars for nothing.

Qamra and Samirah have been quietly sobbing since the news about Cat came in. Lina has been trying to comfort them, but keeps breaking down herself. The other girls are handling the situation, meaning freaking out, in their own ways. Isra is on a shuttle from Earth already. I knew I could always count on her. There's only one sister separating us, with her being older than I am, and we have always been close. Quatre has always been close to her too. Please Allah, look after him wherever he is!

The three pilots secured the house and helped me call in all the most loyal body guards in the employment of the family. I would have felt just as safe with only the three pilots, but they went out to check on Duo and look for Quatre. I know if anyone could find him, it's them.

It was fascinating and terrible all at once to watch them prepare. It looked like they were going off to battle. Maybe they were. I've had the pleasure of seeing all three young men as they truly are: caring, kind, playful. To see them shut off emotionally was horrible. It was like they turned into machines; meticulously loading their weapons and placing them into convenient pockets and places on their persons. It made me wonder if Quatre looked like that when he got ready to fight. It was an awful image.

The news stations have been going crazy over this abduction. There's no doubt in my mind that that's what this is. Witnesses saw Duo get shot but Quatre was only downed with a tranquilizer and then picked up and carried off. On top of all this, Sara never reached the shuttle port. The shuttle with her aboard landed on autopilot, the pilots and other passengers tied up and out cold on the cabin floor. The news picked up on that story right after reporting that Quatre was missing. It was a good day to be in the media industry.

It took about two seconds after the stories broke for the guys to go into Gundam pilot mode. Their friends were in trouble and nothing anyone was going to do could stop them.

Heero was the first one to say it out loud, but we were all thinking it. Someone working for Dr. Azrael was behind it. Why else would they kidnap both Sara and Quatre, and on this day of all days?

So now I am utterly alone in a house full of people. I feel like nothing is in my control and I have nowhere to turn to. It's amazing how much I've come to rely on those boys in the few short days I've known them. I hope they come back soon.

-----------

Duo had been rushed to the nearest hospital as soon as the shuttle port police had arrived on the scene. Those dumb shits could have prevented all of this had they been doing their job right.

Luckily Duo's a tough kid. Stronger than most grown men I know. He was unconscious when he was brought in, but the doctors assure me he'll make a full recovery once he gets out of surgery. Thank God for modern medicine.

No sign of Quatre.

Wufei and Trowa are sacked out on the living room couches. I suppose even Gundam pilots have to rest sometime. Heero is at the hospital waiting for Duo to wake up. Nobody got a good look at who had takenQuatre and the people on Sara's shuttle were equally clueless. It's so frustrating! I want to go and wake up Trowa and Wufei and scream at them to do something…but I wouldn't ever do that. They're stressed out and worried as it is. They're doing all they can…which is more than I'll ever be able to do. I don't know what I'd do without them…

----------

Duo woke up about a half hour ago. Even though he was on quite a lot of morphine he was still in pain. Heero explained that the normal dosage for someone Duo's size wouldn't be enough because he was trained to resist drugs like that. I told the doctors but they wouldn't give him anymore. Sometimes I hate doctors. That sounds pretty hypocritical, me being a doctor and all, but it's true that some doctors are more worried about being sued than helping people.

Even through all the pain however, Duo managed to give us an extremely detailed description of what had happened at the port. But I could tell from the look on Heero's face that it wasn't enough to help them find my brother.

Heero decided to stay with Duo until he was ready to leave the hospital, which should be in a few hours, knowing Duo's tenacity. I decided to get some coffee for my rattled nerves.

So now I'm sitting at a little table in the back of the tiny restaurant watching the demonstrators mill around outside. It's the same restaurant that Quatre likes to come to all the time. The host showed me to his favorite table and told me that whatever I wanted was on him. All of the waiters and even the manager came out to say how sorry they were about what had happened to Quatre.

For the past few minutes I've been sitting at my brother's favorite table, listening to all the people who know him talk about how much they like him. And listening to all these heartfelt sentiments I'm finally able to let myself cry.I'm so thankful that my little brother turned out to be a person that could have such an effect on people. I truly hope he's alright right now, because if those bastards touched one hair on his head, pacifist or no, I will kill them.

----------

The first thing I notice when finally coming home and entering the grand foyer is how quiet everything is. Usually the house is bustling with noise and confusion as sisters and servants run about doing various activities.

Without Quatre here everything seems dull and lifeless. It's like how it was when he went off to war.

Walking into the kitchen I suddenly realize why the house is so quiet. All my sisters and all of Quatre's friends are gathered around the big wooden table, sitting in complete silence. Everyone seems to be lost in their own thoughts. They don't even look up as I walk in.

At first tea feels like a good idea, but tea will only get me thinking about Quatre, and all the horrible things that could have happened to him and Sara. So I guess I'll sit here with the others and leave the thinking to someone who has a clearer head right now.

"I should have protected him better. If only I'd gotten back to him when I first felt something was wrong!" Duo says, slamming a fist down on the table. He looks a little worse for wear but the same old Duo Maxwell gleam is back in his eyes. He'll be fine.

"There was nothing more you could have done," Trowa says gently, laying a large calloused hand on Duo's arm, "Quatre is a strong person, and a Gundam pilot, just like all of us. You both did the best you could in the situation. Let's not dwell on who's to blame because that won't get us anywhere. Right now we need to concentrate on figuring out where Quatre and Sara A'Mal are."

"If Quatre hadn't gone to get that…that…_woman_ from the shuttle port none of this would have happened!" Wufei spits out bitterly.

"Wufei,that kind of thinkingisn't going to help anything," Relena pipes in, "Right now we need to work on finding them and getting them home safe as soon as possible. If it's like you say and the people responsible are working for Dr. Azrael, who knows what they might do! I have several favors that I'm going to call in and get all of my people working on this as well." With that, Relena gets up and heads for the vid phone, once more becoming the leader that she is instead of the pale frightened girl of a few hours ago.

"I'll help, 'Lena," Hilde says softly and follows the blonde girl out of the room, "Duo, don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"Ya right, like that's going to happen," Duo says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Come on guys, lets go over what we know once more. See if we missed anything." Trowa takes out the many data pads that contained the results of their searching this afternoon and spreads them out on the table. Soon all for boys are engrossed in their task, leaving the rest of us girls to keep ourselves occupied.

"I feel like a little mocha ice cream with peanut m&ms is in order," says Qamra with a small smile.

"You know that's Cat's favorite…"

"Yes, I do. I think that's why we need some right now. Cat's coming back. I know he is. We can't give up faith. Allah will watch over him." And with that Qamra gets up to make Quatre's favorite snack to keep our hope and faith in him alive.

----------

It's four thirty in the morning and someone is yelling at me to wake up. Maybe if I just ignore them they'll go away…

Ughh, no such luck. It's Samirah. That girl could yell until the end of time and still have a voice left to yell some more. I'm beginning to think that she and Duo are long lost siblings.

"Ireeeeeaaaaa!"

"What!!"

"They fouuund somethiiiiing!"

"What?!"

I don't think I've ever moved this fast in my entire life. In no time I'm in the kitchen hovering over the boys' shoulders listening to everyone trying to out-shout each other.

"Quiet!!!"

"Thank you Irea. We think we found where they might be," Heero says calmly. I can't tell if he's excited or not but he certainly looks ready to dash off to fight at any second.

"That idiot that shot me and snatched Cat dropped something. We…uh…didn't find it sooner 'cause…well, it was lost in my hair," Duo says shamefacedly.

"Don't worry about it Duo. What did you find?"

"It's a button actually," Heero says, taking over for Duo, "There's an insignia engraved on the front, see? There are only a few coats that have buttons like that. These coats belong to members of a group of assassins known as White Flame. I can only imagine that Dr. Azrael hired them to take Quatre."

"But why? Why would they take Quatre and just not kill him. Don't look at me like that Irea! It's an important question!" Samirah says with no little exasperation.

"This we don't know, however it is fairly safe to assume that they have not killed him yet. If they had wanted him dead they would have shot both him and Duo. By the way Duo, you're lucky to even be alive. I've never heard of a White Flame member not completing their assignment."

"Obviously they didn't count on Duo, a former Gundam pilot, being there," Wufei adds, "But anyway, I still have yet to see how knowing who kidnapped him will help us get Quatre back."

"There are only a few places White Flame can run to anymore and I'm pretty sure I know the place they would have taken him. It would have to be a place that both Dr. Azrael and White Flame know about and where they can keep a couple of people without rousing any suspicion," Heero says.

"How do you know all this Heero?" Relena asks as she enters the room, her face lined with worry and fatigue, "Sorry, couldn't help but overhear what you guys were saying…"

"It's fine. You have as much right to know this stuff as anyone," Duo says, flicking his braid from one hand to another and toying with the rubber band at the end.

"When I was an assassin it was in my best interest to know as much about the competition as I could," Heero says matter-of-factly, causing a slight silence to fall over all those assembled in the kitchen.

"Hmm, yes I would imagine that such information would be invaluable to you," Trowa says, breaking the silence. I'm not quite sure if he's being completely serious or slightly mocking. Trowa's a hard kid to read sometimes. Probably serious. Actually, definitely serious. If I remember correctly, Cat told me once that Trowa used to be a mercenary. His and Heero's pasts must have been similar in many ways.

"Well then!" Duo breaks in, smiling in his usual charming way, "Let's saddle up and hit the road! Time to rescue small, cute and dangerous!"

* * *

This chapter was a bit short. Sorry 'bout that, but I could only write so much while on a plane…bleh…the other chapters are longer since I didn't have a crazy foreign woman sitting right next to me, babbling at her husband the whole time in Greek or Italian or something while I wrote them. 

-NostalgieMalaak


	12. Awkward Beginnings

Drowning: Chapter 12

**Awkward Beginnings **

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

**Quatre's POV  
**

Warnings: swearing

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

­­­The first thing I'm aware of as I wake up is how bad my body feels. My shoulder is completely numb, my head aches like no other, there's a terrible taste in the back of my mouth and my hands and feet are hurting terribly.

Oh. Well that explains the hands and feet hurting, they've been secured with zip ties. Ow. As for the rest of my poor self…

I think it's safe to say that this is shaping up to be the worst day ever.

I manage to get into a sitting position after much straining and pulling on my bonds. My vision is still a little fuzzy. Must be from the tranquilizer they tagged me with. Must have been a big one too because my shoulder burns with every move I make. At least I'm not seriously hurt.

Oh my God! Duo!

Where is he? I can't see him anywhere…oh shit, where is he? Is he ok?

Calm down Cat. Panicking isn't going to get you anywhere. First step: check out your situation.

Now that I take the time to look at my surroundings I notice that I'm not alone. Across the carpeted but otherwise bare room is a figure, lying with her face to the wall. I know it's a her because the only guy I've seen with that length of hair is Duo. Oh Duo. You better be ok!

The girl isn't moving, but she's breathing ok. They haven't tied her up. Hopefully she's just unconscious and not hurt. What beautiful red hair she has. The only person I've seen with hair like that is…

"Sara," I say in a hoarse whisper.

Oh Allah. Now it all makes sense. Our captors must somehow be tied to Dr. Azrael. The thought makes my stomach knot up with tension and my hands ice up. What could they possibly want with us?

"Ugghh," Sara groans, waking up, trying to sit up and hold her head at the same time.

"Hey, try not to move. It looks like they drugged you. Try to lay still 'till the dizziness passes." She follows my instructions and lies back down on her back, both arms flung over her face to block out the harsh florescent light of the room.

"Sara? Sara are you alright?" I ask hesitantly when she doesn't move for a little while.

"I feel like a piano was dropped on me," she says, the humorous statement tinged with pain and a little bit of fear. Emotionally she's still pretty out of it, her mind a jumble of random images and feelings. I can't tell which ones are hers and which belong to other people. It's so strange to feel that from her. Makes me wonder why I never tried to contact her earlier. I would have liked to have had another empath to compare things with and learn from.

"Do you know where we are?" she asks, breaking me out of my reverie.

"I'm not sure. I was unconscious the whole way here it would seem."

"Ah…by the way, um…how did you know my name?" she asks, not bothering to open her eyes yet.

"It's me…Quatre. Um, I called you to…um…come and all…and uh…" Back to this are we? One would think that having as many sisters as I do would teach me how to speak intelligently with members of the opposite sex. Apparently not.

She's sitting up now and looking at me, well at least looking at me as best as she can through squinted eyes.

"Oh my…I didn't…I didn't really expect to meet you this way…" she says, chewing on her lower lip cutely.

"I wasn't really planning on this either," I say with a wry smile.

"Oh my God!" she says, noticing my tied hands and feet, "Are you ok? Here, let me help you get those off!"

We work for several minutes trying to get the slippery plastic bands to come off, but every attempt just seems to work them tighter around my already raw wrists and ankles.

Sara finally decides to call a halt and sits back on her heals, moaning in frustration.

"I'm sorry. They're too tight," she says with a defeated tone.

"It's ok. Thanks for trying," I say softly. It was nice having her so close to me. She smells like lavender.

"Oh Allah, I'm an idiot!" I suddenly burst out. I had completely forgotten the small lock picks I always carry with me at all times. I can use those to loosen the bonds and slip my hands out. Thank God for being over-cautious.

I struggle for a little while trying to get them out, but they're in the inseam in the front of my pants and with my hands tied behind me I can't reach them.

Sara, noticing that I'm trying to get something gives me a quizzical look. She probably thinks I'm crazy with as much flopping around I've done in the past few minutes.

"Sara? Can you do me a favor? Can you reach into my pants and get something?"

A strange look crosses her face and I can tell she's trying to say something, but shock is preventing her.

It takes my brain a few minutes to rewind and replay what I just said to her before it hits me. Dear God. I just asked her to reach into my pants…and…get…something. I could die. I could just die.

She notices when I finally realize what I said to her. A small smile starts to pull up the corners of her mouth. A little giggle is bubbling out of her, and soon it has turned into a full blown laugh.

My entire face must be glowing as red as a neon sign. I don't think I've ever been this embarrassed before.

Seeing this sends her into more gales of bell like laughter. She's laughing so hard she's starting to snort. This in turn sets me off and soon the two of us are laughing like little children.

I take several deep breathes to calm myself down.

"You do realize that we have been drugged, kidnapped and have no idea where we are, but can still find something like a little sexual innuendo hilarious?" I ask her. My cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much.

"Gotta keep a positive attitude, I guess. It's no good giving up. I try to find humor in everything I do. I think…if I wasn't like that I wouldn't have survived everything I have," she says, her voice going soft and reflective.

"That's a beautiful philosophy," I say quietly, now even more in awe of her than before.

"Hmmm, yes well…I stole it from my mom. She says that all the time. She says it's her life motto."

"Your mother must be a wonderful person."

"Yes," she whispers sadly, "I just hope that I…that I see her again…"

"Don't start on with that. We can't give up, remember? We'll get through this. I know we will," I say with more conviction than I feel.

"You don't really believe that," she retorts. This is going to take some getting used to, not being to hide my emotions from her.

"Well, you know what my life motto is?" I wait for her to shake her head before answering.

"My life motto is that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why we're here right now, and I've been through hell too many times to believe that this is really the end."

She thinks this over for a moment before nodding her head in understanding. In one deft move her quick fingers are running along the inseam of my pants, having seen where my hands were straining towards.

After a few moments she makes a small sound of triumph and pulls out one of the small wicked looking lock picks.

"How is this going to help?" she asks incredulously.

"You'll have to slide in under the ties and pull up on it so I can slide my hands out." In the back of my mind I wonder if this is really going to work. Why couldn't they have handcuffed me? It would have made my life much easier right now.

It takes several minutes before she's able to put the small piece of metal between my skin and the bonds. She was a gentle as possible with it, but even still my wrist is bleeding where the sharp pick dug into me. At least I'll have a little lubricant to slide my hands out easier now.

Sara's grimacing with pain. It must hurt her for me to hurt. I don't really notice the pain too much though. I've been hurt much worse than this in the past. Slowly the cords begin to loosen and I manage to pull a hand out, scarping off quite a bit of skin in the process.

Sara gives out a hiss of pain.

"That must have hurt," she says, trying to avoid looking at the blood now liberally smeared on both my hands.

"It's not bad," I say casually, as though ripping the skin off my hands is something I do regularly, "Nothing serious."

With a bit more work and struggle my feet are free and I begin working on getting circulation back in my abused limbs.

"So how did you get here? Do you remember?" I ask her as she starts helping me rub feeling back into my ankles.

"No. I don't really remember much of anything. I remember being on the shuttle, then drinking some water the steward gave me, then I must have passed out because next thing I knew I was waking up here with you."

"Looks like we're in quite a mess here then," I say, smiling a little at her.

"Ya. Guess so. Don't you have like tons of body guards and stuff? Won't people realize that you're gone and come looking for you?" she asks hopefully.

"Yes, I'm sure people back home are pretty upset right now, but I'm not sure there's much they can do. It will take them a while to locate us, if they even can. They don't even know where to start I bet."

"Well, they captured the both of us, so I'd bet you anything it has to do with Dr. Azrael being caught this morning." Ah, I was right. Brains and beauty.

"That's what I was thinking too. I wonder what they want with us…but in any case, we can't be waiting around for people to rescue us. There's never a guarantee of being rescued in a situation like this, so I've always been taught to try to help myself out of them." Getting up is painful, but after my ankles stop throbbing I'm able to walk around the room looking for week spots.

"_We're _going to get ourselves out of here? I hate to remind you of this, but I've never done anything like that before and I'm pretty sure that you haven't either!" Sara's still sitting on the floor, looking at me like I really have lost it.

"I'm not totally inexperienced at stuff like this," _oh, if only you knew…_ "I'll find a way to get us out of here. Don't worry, Sara, leave this to me."

"What? Leave this to you? What the hell does that mean!? I'm not some little girl that needs to be babied you know! I can do anything _you _can."

I think I whipped around in shock so fast that I startled her. Where did _that _come from! What happened to my sweet compliant little Sara? Oh, man, I can't believe I just thought that! Apparently she is anything but compliant!

"Well, I hate to tell you this, _Miss _Sara, but I think I do happen to be able to do a few things that you can't!" Like to see _her _pilot a Gundam.

"Oh! Isn't that so convenient! You think you're better than I am because you're a man, is that it? Or maybe it's because you're Quatre _Winner_, and you're just better than everyone!" She bursts out angrily.

"Hey wait a second! I never said anything like that! I happen to be pretty knowledgeable about this stuff because I used to be a Gundam pilot!" I shout at her. Where did _that _come from?! Why did I say that?!!

The room seems to get twenty degrees colder as I look at her. There's an absolutely awful expression on her face, like she's about to burst into tears.

"You think that impresses me?" She whispers, "A Gundam pilot almost killed my brother, and did kill all of his friends. You think you're something special…well you're not! You're nothing more than a fucking terrorist!"

Bright tears are slipping down her face and falling onto her soft sweater. Her whole body is trembling. I can't even describe her emotions at the moment…they're simply heartbreaking. I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

"Oh, Sara…I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry. I don't…oh Allah Sara…"

"Forget it," she says bitterly, moving farther away from me so that she's once again facing to wall.

"I…I really don't know what to say! You'd think with all my political training I could think of something to say to you, but really there's nothing. I feel so terrible…you must believe me!"

"I do," she says tiredly, "I can still feel you, remember?"

"Ya, I remember."

I don't know what to say or do so I turn back to continue my appraisal of the room. Her anger and pain is burning through me like molten lava. Just shut it out Cat. Focus on getting out of here and then you can work through all these emotions.

There's a small grate in the far corner, but it's much too small to crawl through. The door however looks more promising. It's a simple door, no deadbolt lock or anything. Guess Sara wasn't the only one who didn't know what they were getting themselves into by putting me in here.

"I think I can get this door open," I say, hoping that maybe she'll say something to me again, but she stays quiet, stubbornly not looking at me.

"It'll just take a few minutes," I say again, this time more to myself than to her. Using my lock picks I'm able to unlock the door from the inside. Now all we have to do is find our way out of here. That and convince her not to hate me, or at least trust me enough to come with.

"There. The door's unlocked," I say to her. She doesn't respond. "I'm going to leave now. I'm opening up the door…" She still hasn't even looked at me. Sighing quietly I drop my hand from the doorknob and move over to her side.

"Sara?" I call gently, "Please, Sara. Please come with me. I don't know if we're going to have another chance to do this… Fine then. I guess we'll just sit here then, now won't we."

With that I plop myself down next to her and put my head in my hands. The blood from my wrist has clotted thankfully. It's dried on my hands though and I can't stand the smell of it, like bile and iron mixed together. When I look up it's to find her staring back at me.

"You're not leaving?" she asks, suspicion lacing her tone.

"No. Not without you."

"I…I don't…you're a very strange person Quatre."

"Thank you."

We sit there for some time before she suddenly stands up with a look of determination in her bright green eyes and starts heading for the door.

"Well?" she asks, looking over her shoulder, "Are you coming or not?"

* * *

Heh…teenage guys are so cocky!

Thanks so much to you guys for reading and reviewing! It really inspires me to write more.

Mousycoon: you betcha! And more is coming up!

RiseAgainPhoenix: Wow! I'm so glad you like my story. Thank you so much for the great advice. Hehe…I knew there was a reason for making Sara a red head! I always thought it would be fun for Quatre to be paired up with someone who's strong and fiery. Makes a good contrast to his sweet nature.

Silvermanel: ah, a reviewer of few yet poignant words!

Dark vampire: more sweet moments for our favorite teenage terrorists coming up soon!

Bibliomaniac: you rock as always. Hopefully more suspenseful moments to come!

-NostalgieMalaak


	13. Places from Our Past

Drowning: Chapter 13

**Places from Our Past**

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: violence, swearing

Disclaimer: I think we've covered this by now…

* * *

I'm surprised by the woeful lack of security they have on us. For going through all the trouble of kidnapping us in public in the view of so many people, they sure are being sloppy about holding us here. Or arrogant. Come to think of it, I'm willing to bet the latter. The best of the best would never have attacked us so blatantly in the open like that unless they wanted to get a message across.

After leaving the sterile holding room we are confronted with several different hallways, all painted the same beige blah office color. In fact the whole building reminds me of an office building. There's something strange about the building though…I can't quite put my finger on it…

Going purely on instinct, because in all honesty I have no idea where to go, we head to the left and follow the narrow hallway around several sharp turns. Everything looks the same. I'm trying to memorize the route in case we need to backtrack, but there are absolutely no changes in scenery. I feel like I'm wandering around in circles.

That's it. Windows! There aren't any windows here. That's very strange. For an office building there should be at least some windows…even if we were still on-colony somewhere.

Unless…this isn't an office building.

"This place is creepy," Sara whispers to me, "It doesn't feel right, but at the same time it feels so…familiar."

"I was just thinking the same thing," I whisper back. At least she's talking to me again.

"Where do you think we could be?"

"I'm not sure…at first I thought it was some sort of office building, but I've never seen an office building with no windows before. Now that you mention it, this place does feel really familiar. I don't know why…"

"Where are all the guards?" Sara asks, breaking into my reverie.

"That's what's worrying me. They have to be somewh…do you feel that?"

"A couple of men are heading this way!"

"Looks like someone noticed we got out! Come on, this way!" I grab her soft hand in mine and begin pulling her through the confusing corridors.

Finally the hallway begins to change a bit. It looks like this section isn't used anymore. There's a layer of dust covering the floor. They'll have no trouble figuring out which way we went, our footprints are clearly visible in the dust. At the end of the hallway I can see a door with a small window. Hopefully it isn't locked.

It's only a matter of time before the two men behind us figure out which way we went. We're almost to the door! Just a few more feet and…

"Shit!"

"What?"

"It's locked. I think I can get it…one second…"

"Hurry…oh hurry Quatre! I can feel them getting closer!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying! Your yelling in my ear isn't exactly helping any!"

"Well excuse me! I'm scared ok!"

"There! Got it!"

With that I shove against the door and it reluctantly budges open a foot, just enough for us the squeeze through. Just as I thought, a staircase. Unfortunately the only way we can go is down. I had been hoping we could go up, just to throw our pursuers off a bit, but now there's no choice but down.

Running full tilt down the metal stairs my boots and Sara's tennis shoes make loud clattering sounds. They'll know where we are for sure now, but there's no helping it. Our only chance is to try and outrun them. They're almost certainly carrying weapons and I'm carrying nothing. Unfortunately my over-cautiousness didn't lend itself to forcing me to remember to carry a weapon at all times. I never really liked carrying a gun or knife with me, but now I wish I had gotten more into the habit of it.

I can't tell how many flights are left to this building because the lower floors are all in deep shadows. My hell bent pace however seems to encourage downward movement so that's the way that we're going.

After racing down about five flights I yank Sara to a stop and dash through the nearest doorway. I barely have time to look at my surroundings before we're off and running, our pace barely broken by the minor detour. I know I'm going to have to stop soon though, Sara is doing an admirable job of keeping up but I can tell she's starting to get tired.

"Qua…Quatre…we…need to stop…soon," she pants out.

"I know…just a little bit further. See where the hallway branches out? We'll…duck into one of those corridors…and hide until they go past us,…then go back the way we came. Hopefully we'll be able to find our way out of here then."

We reach the division in the corridors and speed down a side hallway. A slightly open room looks like the best bet to hide out in for a little while. We creep in, keeping an eye and ear and our extra sense out for our pursuers.

I pull the door shut behind us and crouch down in the gloomy darkness of the room to wait for the men following us.

"What if they don't pass us by? What if we can't get out the way we came in? Do you even know where in the hell you're going?" Sara asks in a harsh whisper.

"No! Do _you _know where we're going? I didn't think so. I don't have all the answers, all right! I'm making this up as we go along," I whisper back, equally fierce.

That quiets her for a bit.

"Why do we do this to each other?" Sara asks quietly, no trace of anger left in her voice.

"Do what?" But even as I ask I know.

"Set each other off like this. I mean…I know I have red hair and all, a temper sort of comes with the territory, but I've never been so blatantly rude to someone before. Especially someone I've just met."

"You're not being rude. I am. We're both just stressed out and a little out of our element here. It's natural for tensions to rise in a situation like this."

"What happened to knowing exactly what to do in a situation like this? What happened to macho Gundam pilot?" she asks, but there's none of the meaness in it, she's merely curious.

"Tell you the truth, I never did much of this kind of thing. I was only captured once…well twice…and both times I had another pilot with me to bail me out and help me decide what to do. I've never done this on my own before. I'm sorry I was so snobby before. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I am really sorry about your brother and his friends…truly I am." I say quietly, hanging my head a little.

"It's going to take me a while to get over my feelings about that…but for what it's worth, I think you're a nice guy. It's hard for me to picture you doing the things the news stations say you pilots did. Maybe it was just the other ones that did those terrible things…"

"No. We were all responsible for what happened. I made mistakes just like the others…actually I messed up pretty badly in fact. The other pilots aren't bad people either. They're like brothers to me in fact."

"Oh."

"I think we get so mad at each other 'cause one person's anger helps fuel to other's. Do you know what I mean? We're both empaths, so we can both pick up on each others' emotions. It only makes sense for us to feel each other's anger and let it get to us. I wonder if all our emotions will do this to us, be amplified I mean. I wonder if…" I don't finish that statement. My mind certainly knows the best times to take a trip into the gutter.

Sara's eyes are dancing with laughter as she looks at me.

"You wonder if what? You wonder if sex will be better between two empaths than two normal people?"

Allah. I can't believe she just said that! Actually I can. I just wasn't expecting it. Miss Sara A'Mal is certainly full of surprises!

In answer to her question I can feel my face heat up for the second time that day.

"For someone as experienced as you claim to be, you sure blush a lot at stuff like that!" Sara says laughing.

"Hey! I never said I was experienced _that_ way!" Great. Why don't you just tell her that you used to play tea party with your sisters and _liked_ it for crying out loud!? That way she'll have no question about your lack of manliness! Why does my brain disconnect every time I talk to her? I don't even think she likes me that much.

Now I'm blushing more than ever. Sara just laughs a little more and pats my shoulder reassuringly. Maybe she doesn't hate me after all.

This time we're able to sit in a half-way companionable silence as we wait for the bad guys to show.

We aren't long in waiting.

"Do you see that?" a disembodied voices comes floating down the hallway.

"What, that door? Ya? So what?" replies disembodied voice number two.

"I was just down here this morning and it was open. Now it's closed. I bet you anything that's where the two little freaks went."

Well shit. Looks like it's time for drastic measures.

"Sara," I whisper urgently, "They're going to be coming in here soon. When they do, I'm going to try and distract them while you run, ok? No, don't argue. Just run as hard as you can for the stairwell. Don't worry about me. I'll find you. Here they come. Ready?"

She nods is quick assent though her mind is still roiling with doubts.

Suddenly the door crashes open with a sickening sound of twisting wood and the two biggest men I have ever seen come barreling into the run at full tilt.

"Run Sara!" I yell and I watch as she makes a mad dash for the door, only to be stopped by thug number two.

Thug number one in the meantime is trying to catch me in his meaty hands and pin me to the ground.

He manages to grab a handful of my shirt in one huge fist, but I don't let him get the other hand on me. My left foot connects solidly with his stomach and he bends over from the middle, letting out a whoosh as the air is knocked out of him. My second kick connects squarely with his jaw and his eyes roll up into his head. Thankfully he releases his death grip on my shirt before falling to the ground unconscious.

Thug number two is so surprised that he doesn't even move to retaliate as I grab thug number one's hand gun and shoot him through the kneecap.

It isn't until after he's down on the ground that he realizes he's been shot. Blood is spurting out of his leg, I probably clipped an artery. He opens his mouth to scream but just a slow whine of pain comes out. With a sharp blow to the back of the head he's down as well.

The whole fight took maybe ten seconds.

Sara looks like she's in shock.

"Sara? Sara? Come on now, don't quit on me now!" I grab her shoulders and give her a little shake to try and snap her out of it.

"How…?" she asks feebly, "How can you not feel their pain?"

"I…I…don't…I don't know…" How is it that I can't feel their pain? I can feel everything else about them…but not that. I know I used to be able to…Now's not the time for this! With a sharp shake of my head I turn away from the gruesome sight.

"Come on. We've got to get out of here right now!" I say, taking her hand once again and leading her from the room. Her eyes don't leave the sight of blood pooling on the carpeted floor until we're past the room and running back the way we came.

----------

It's been three hours since our escape and we still have yet to find our way out of the building, or to run into anymore bad guys.

I don't think it would have been so difficult if the whole place didn't reek with empathic signatures. They're distracting me to no end. Sara's feeling the effects as well because she keeps looking over her shoulder and squinting up her eyes as if there is something there, just out of sight.

There's something here all right. It feels…bad, for lack of a better term. As if something horrible happened here. I can pick up on stuff like that. Empathic signatures don't just come from people they sometimes come from places, especially when something really emotional happened in those sites. It feels like death here. It's odd though, because the building looks brand new except for the dusty, unused hallways. I guess the whole place is weird though. We explored several floors and they all look exactly the same.

The only two floors left are the two sub basements. I can tell they're basements because we found an elevator shaft a while back. I was too afraid of being stuck or caught in it to actually take it, but I checked out the floor listings to find out where we were.

Creeping along the first floor the empathic signs are getting stronger and stronger. There are some that aren't coming from the building so I'm pretty sure the rest of the bad guys are somewhere up ahead.

I'm hoping we'll find an exit before we run into them…oh no. This is not good at all. Looking through a large window in one of the open rooms off the hallway I can see that we're on a satellite. The window overlooks the docking bay and beyond that are huge windows looking out into space. This place is too small for a colony and ships aren't built like this. The only option is a satellite and the only shuttle on it is being guarded by the burliest men I have ever seen. Directing them, or rather screaming at them, is sunglasses man.

"Damn," I say quietly.

"What are we going to do?" Sara whispers behind me.

"Well, we can either try to take out those ten men out there with a gun that only has seven shots left, or we can try finding a line out of here and try to contact my friends."

"I vote for finding a vid phone," Sara says immediately.

"Good. Me too," I say with relief. I really don't enjoy hurting people if I can help it, and I know that if we got into a fire fight with those guys we'd come off very badly. Probably dead. I still want to know why I can't feel people's physical pain anymore. It's really bothering me.

With that we head off down more corridors to find a vid phone, checking every door we come to that isn't locked. We don't have time to unlock every door and check every room. From how mad sunglasses man was at his men they'll probably be ruthless in their search for us.

All too soon we run into the first of the searchers.

"Hey! There they are! Get them!" screams the man in front, a huge man with a deep red muscle shirt.

We're off and running in no time and it seems at first like we're going to outrun them, but no such luck. Muscle shirt and the slightly less gigantic man behind him turn out to be incredibly fast for their bulk and know the hallways better than we do.

I turn quickly to face them. They're no more than five feet behind us as I whip out my gun and shoot muscle shirt through the head, the bullet passing through and killing the man behind him as well. I don't even stop to look at the carnage before sprinting off again, a stunned Sara in tow. Two down, eight to go.

It takes a little longer for the next group of kidnappers to catch up to us. We're able to take a short breather while Sara fortifies her emotional barriers. All the violence is really getting to her. I can feel her revulsion and through her, though to a lesser degree, the deaths of the men I killed.

The next group isn't taking anymore chances. They know that I know things that as a pacifist I shouldn't. They're also very very angry. I've wounded two of their teammates and killed another two.

They manage to surround Sara and I in a small hallway, the lighting dim and casting harsh shadows over their faces. Behind me Sara gives out a small growl of defiance. She won't go down without a fight, but the idea is for her not to be hurt at all. She hasn't done anything wrong! Dumb bastards!

Even with them ready for an attack I move faster than they can predict and take out the two men nearest me with a wicked kick and uppercut combination that Wufei taught me. The other men converge on me like the walls of the Red Sea coming down on Pharaoh. I stay upright as fists and feet rain down on me, all the while delivering punishing blows to smirking faces and muscular torsos.

We're all too bunched up for me to use my gun. I might accidentally hit Sara.

I use every hand-to-hand combat move I know and somehow manage to pull myself and Sara out of the mass of bodies. We only take a few steps before a gun shot rings out and I feel a sharp burning in my left shoulder. The bullet passes through the fleshy part of my upper shoulder accompanied by a spray of blood. Sara screams, clutching her own left shoulder in pain.

We crash head-long into a doorway. Not just any doorway. The stairwell. I turn around quickly and slam the lock home. Unless any of those men have a key to this stairwell it will take them a long time to get through.

Sara takes over leading and we descend into inky darkness. The sub-basements look completely blacked out. It's apparent that they haven't been used for many years.

Moving slowly to avoid running into anything we go through the door on the bottom floor. There's a weird stale light coming from down the long hallway and in this light I'm able to see a place I never wanted to see again. Even in the low light I know that the walls are painted a glaring white color and the tiled floor is perfectly even. The whole hall gives off an air of sterility.

Along the hallway are doors with little windows looking in. Windows that look in but can't be seen out of. Windows that look in on a tiny cell with six white walls. White walls where I once wrote my name in blood over and over again so I wouldn't forget it.

We're in Dr. Azrael's laboratory.

I can feel something happening in my mind. Like an itching, or a tickling starting at the back of my mind and moving forward. An episode is coming on.

In a pre-episode and loss of blood haze I slowly sink down to the ground. Sara's horrified shrieks filling my ears as I let myself once again melt into darkness.

* * *

Ah ha! Finally got it done! That was a fun chapter to write…next chapter will be just as fun!!! (Hopefully).

-NostalgieMalaak


	14. Philosophies of Wounded Souls

Drowning: Chapter 14

**Philosophies of Wounded Souls**

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

Quatre's POV

Warnings: angst, violence

Notes: sorry this chapter took a little longer than usual to get up, finals are going to kill me and spit on my grave

Disclaimer: don't own

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_Drifting in the cold arms of unfeeling space. Watching the Earth below me, its warm hazy oceans and puffed clouds rising like steam in a bath. It seems so distant. I feel so far away from it all. _

_There is pain here. Pain like a thousand scimitars cutting through skin and muscle and puncturing organs. There's no blood, but there is water. Where is it coming from? There's no water in space. Only down on that jewel-like planet below. Ahh. They're my tears. They're so bright, like little diamonds that wink and sparkle in the starlight._

_The visions and emotions pass through my mind with such clarity as I have never seen before. _

_There a child, crying over the body of her dead mother. I feel her sadness as if it is my own. The tears flow more freely._

_There a teenage boy, being bullied; shoved, kicked, hit, bruised, humiliated. I feel his wounds as if they were my own. I feel his hot humiliation like an ember in my stomach._

_There an old man, his arthritic joints pain him with every step, every movement. I feel his age, the weight of many years, I know his wisdom and his sufferings. _

_And there. My father. I know it's him, but I don't know how that can be. My father is dead. My father died and left me all alone for an ideal, for a belief. Is dying for a belief really that important? To leave me without you, Father!? He's gone. Can't stand to look upon his only son, the murderer, the terrorist, the shame on our family name. I can't bear to look at myself. _

_Going to war changed nothing. I am still the pointless creation I have always been. A fragile machine ready to be crushed in the jaws of the callous emotions of others. A child without a purpose. A child without a soul._

_There is so much pain here…so much…Father help me…Father help me!_

I awake in pain. It's only my own.

"Quatre? Quatre, are you awake now?" Sara says, her pretty face looking down into mine with real concern

"Where are we?" My voice is hoarse, like I've been screaming. I probably have.

"We…" she starts, her eyes taking on a distant terrified look, "We're back where we started."

At first I don't understand. We're not in the bare room we woke up in before, this place is too dark. But then I realize. We're back where _this_ all started. In the holding cells beneath Dr. Azrael's labs. This building must be only one of many on the satellite. The other labs for the other children would have been connected to this one. No wonder it took them so long to find this place. Above us, it merely looks like office buildings. No one could guess the sinister things that went on just below their feet.

We're still sitting in plain view in the hallway we came in before I passed out. Sara managed to put a bandage on my bleeding shoulder while I was out. It wasn't done very well, but it looks like she used her own sweater to make it. Just sitting in her white undershirt, her arms wrapped around herself, she looks lost and afraid. With my good arm I reach up and brush back her soft red hair with my hand. At the contact a spark of emotion passes between us. She looks up, her bright green eyes boring holes into mine, looking into my soul.

"We need to move out of this hallway, to someplace safe. How long have I been out?"

"Not long. A few minutes at most. Quatre…? Quatre, are you dying?" she asks in a fearful whisper…_don't leave me all alone_…

"I'm not going anywhere Sara," I reach out again and take her small hand in mine, giving it a gently squeeze.

She puts her hands under my good arm and helps me to my feet. I'm dizzy when I stand I can feel the warm blood trickle down my ribs. We make our way slowly over to an open door. It's an old storage closet. Nothing could ever make us hide in the actual cells.

It's strange that the men haven't come down here yet. Perhaps they're searching the floor above us very carefully. There are a lot of places one could hide in a lab.

Sara gently lowers me to the ground where I'm able to rest my spinning head against the solid wall. She's gone back to her curled up position and wide starry eyes. She looks like she might go into shock at any moment. Not good.

"Sara, hey, come on now. It'll all be ok. I know things seem pretty bad right now…"

"Pretty bad?" she asks incredulously, "We've been kidnapped, you've been shot, we're in the last place in space I ever wanted to be in, there's so much pain here I think I might throw up any second, and it's just _pretty _bad? No Quatre. This isn't pretty bad. This is awful. This is beyond awful! Oh God! What if I never see my family again, or my friends…I don't want to die here! I don't want to die here! No…please God no!"

She's sobbing so hard it looks painful. Her ranting has trickled off into incoherent mumblings. Oh, Allah. I don't know what to do. There's something here that I can't feel. Something that I'm only getting a small glimpse of from her. It must be horrible. She needs to get out of here and soon. This isn't the confident fiery Sara I spoke with over the phone or got a tongue lashing from upstairs. This is the five-year-old Sara who has been locked in a white cell for so long she can't remember her name. Who has been experimented on and made to experience the sufferings of hundreds of other children. This is the Sara that knows for certain that death could come at any instant to snuff out her beautiful little life in the most horrible way imaginable.

I know this because that was the same way I was. I'm guessing the only reason I'm not in the same state is because there's something wrong with my empathy. Something that doesn't allow me to feel other's pain. There has been something wrong with my empathy for quite some time now. It's just taken me this long to realize it.

"Sara? What did you mean, the other day, when we were speaking on the phone?"

"What?" she says, her voice cracking with barely suppressed sobs.

"When we…I don't know…connected for that moment. When you said that I had lost my anchor?"

"I don't know," she sighs miserably, trying to reign in the flood of emotions, "It just sounded like the right thing to say."

She's getting better now. Sometimes we can get overloaded with emotions and we have a bit of a breakdown. It takes a little while to find the balance within ourselves, the mental state that allows us to block out a certain amount and let the rest float through our minds like a peaceful river. After a while I don't even notice the constant stream of emotions. I can only imagine that it's the same for her. She's regaining control over the emotions.

There. She's under control now. She smiles a little at me, already knowing that I know exactly what happened to her. Then a small frown creases her face.

"Quatre, you've been having problems with your ability lately. That's why you called, right?"

"Ya…it's like I can't feel people's pain anymore," I say.

"You're blocking the pain. I can feel that," she says with certainty.

"Really? How am I doing that?"

"I think it has to do with these…I don't know…empathic overloads? you've been having. And your empathy is growing. I can feel that too. Every…I don't know…"

"Episode?"

"Yes, episode you have it grows even more than when you're just awake. Since we've been here I've felt all this. And the last episode you had…the one just a few minutes ago? You were in a great deal of pain. I think your body is trying to protect you from the pain right now, because your growing empathy can't handle it."

"I think you could be right!" I say excitedly. I knew she would be able to help me.

"But _why_ is your empathy growing…?" she says, becoming lost in her own speculations.

"I'm not sure, but what you said to me, about me losing my anchor keeps striking a chord with me."

Sara 'hmmms' for a bit, idly playing with a stray lock of hair.

"Maybe," I whisper, "Maybe it's because I'm not like other people."

"Well of course you're not like other people. You're YOU," Sara says, her hand waving in the air as if to brush away the ridiculousness of the statement.

"No. I mean…I don't think…I don't think I'm quite…well…_human_," I respond, a slight tremble making it's way through my body.

"Why would you say that?" Sara whispers in alarm.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't have a soul."

She stares at me in shock for several seconds, her eyes wide with shock.

"How could you ever say that? Oh, Quatre! You _have a soul_! It's a bright as day. I can see it shining in you like a beacon. It's beautiful. Why do you think you don't have a soul? Everyone has a soul!"

"Because I wasn't born, Sara. I was…_created_," I spit out, "I'm not even a real person. People who are created by man can't have souls. I thought that maybe by going to war and becoming a Gunam pilot I could find a purpose for my life…but it just made me feel even worse afterwards. Oh, I believe that what we did in the long run was right…but at what cost? I can't even feel people right anymore. How could someone who could feel others' pain kill? How could I turn against everything I believed in and felt? Was it just so I could have a purpose in life? What a selfish, arrogant reason for murdering people!!"

I'm shaking in earnest now. I lump the size of a tennis ball seems lodged in my throat. I can't speak. There are tears pooled in my eyes. Don't cry damnit! Allah, no wonder your father didn't want to live anymore! Look at the miserable excuse for a son he has!

Sara's light arms come around my shoulders and she pulls my face against her shoulder and lets me cry.

"Your father loved you Quatre. He loved you so much. He didn't leave you…he didn't. And you _have _a soul. I can see it," Sara whispers comfortingly, softly stroking my hair.

I wonder through my tears how she can know that I was thinking about my father, but I guess I shouldn't wonder. She can see things in me just like I can see things in her, in everyone else.

"Oh, Quatre. You're just as messed up as the rest of us," she says with a small chuckle. I pull away a little, wiping my face with my palms. The tears have washed away some of the blood that was dried there.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to go all to pieces on you like that…"

"Don't apologize. You did the same for me. Besides, it gave me an idea."

"What?"

"I think your father was your anchor."

"What do you mean?" I must look funny, my eyes all puffy from crying and now widened in incomprehension.

"When we came back from Dr. Azrael's labs…back from here…we each latched on to someone we loved. Someone who we, I don't know, bonded with. It helped us keep our empathy in balance. They helped us stay sane after all that had happened to us. For me it was my brother. I've never been all that close with my parents. Ever since they decided my entire life for me up to the person I was going to marry, I wasn't exactly fond of them…"

I smile a little. It sounds like we have more in common than just a shitty childhood experience.

"But anyway," she continues, "When my brother went off to war, it was like I could still feel him, even though he was far away. And when he was injured…it was the most awful thing in the world. I even went a little mad to tell you the truth. My parents had me locked in my room, I had become so violent. It wasn't until he came back that I calmed down and was able to function normally again. During that time though, my empathy was kind of messed up too…not to the extent that yours is…but still enough to make me crazy."

"I went mad when my father died," I whisper, my head tuned away in shame, "I did…I did some really horrible things during that time. If it hadn't been for my friends, the other pilots, I would either still be mad or be dead. They pulled me back. Ever since then though I've been having these empathic problems."

"That's it then!" Sara says excitedly, "Your father and my brother help keep our empathy in check. Without them, we have nothing to keep us attached to humanity. We're evolved beings, Quatre. It looks like you're starting to move even farther away from your humanity, just like you said…"

She trails off, realizing what she said. The terrifying possibilities of losing my humanity flash through my mind in a whirl of sickening images.

"What do I do?" I ask desperately, "I don't want to lose that! I want to be like everyone else!"

"Maybe there's a way to stop it…" she says, thinking out loud, but I can tell she's not buying into the idea.

"What happens when my empathy gets so strong that my body can't block all the pain I'm feeling? What happens if these visions start taking over? I'll go mad! Allah, Sara! What am I going to do?" My voice has steadily crept up in pitch until my words are little more than a terrified whine of sound.

"I don't know! I just don't…did you hear that?" she asks suddenly.

Even with my empathy on the fritz I can feel people coming towards us. It's the men from upstairs!

We're both frozen with fear. Whether it's our own or the men's neither of us is sure. We can't leave the closet, it opens right onto the hallway where they will be in a second. I can feel their frustration as they search one door at a time coming closer and closer to our hiding place.

With a loud cracking sound the door to the closet is yanked open and a bright flash of light shines into my eyes. My hands fly up to block the light as a large hand latches onto my injured arm and hauls me upright. A sharp sigh of pain escapes my lips. Sara is also being hauled up. She's kicking and thrashing like a wild thing, trying to reach me through my/her pain.

"Quatre!"

"Sara!"

They're hurting her! They're hurting her!!! Stop it! Stop it! I'll kill you!!! I'll kill you for hurting her!!!!

Then suddenly I'm touching her and it's like a dam in my mind has burst. White hot pain threads its way through every fiber of my being. My pain, her pain, our attacker's pain, the world's pain. It's a tempest in my mind. It's like the pain in my visions, only worse and this time I know I'm awake. This isn't an episode. This is real.

I'm shrieking in pain, my hands ripping at my hair in a desperate attempt to stop the agony. Through the blood red haze of pain I see the men around me clutching their heads, grimaces of pain spread like sinister masks across their bloated faces. I'm projecting my own pain back on them! I'm making them feel it and it's terrible.

Sara is there, trying to hold me upright, but the pain keeps coming and coming. It's a flood swirling through me, a flash flood of white acid agony that screams it's way through every nerve ending and muscle in my body.

I'm awash in it…I'm struggling through it with gasping sobs and churning arms…it's washing into my face and down into my mouth.

…I'm drowning…I'm drowning…_I'm drowning…_

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In case you haven't realized this by now…I'm a little sick in the head. Why else would I enjoy writing such terrible things? Well…it's all cool as long as other people enjoy the fruits of my sickness. Thanks to all my reviewers! And thanks for being patient!

Hey! If you enjoy dark sadistic writings, check out my other short story I just wrote: "Ghost in the Darkness."

-NostalgieMalaak


	15. Laboratories for the Dead

Drowning: Chapter 15

**Laboratories for the Dead **

Pairings: 1xR, 2xH, 4xOC

**Switches between Quatre's POV and No POV** (well, except for mine I suppose)

Warnings: swearing, some disturbing images

Notes: I'm so sorry this took so long to get up! Finals are over at last! Unfortunately updates won't come as often as they have in the past because I'm returning to the land before technology or the internet…aka, my home. I will though try to update as often as possible (whenever I can get to the library). Thanks for being so patient!

Disclaimer: hmmm looking through desk drawers tape… scissors… notecards… pens…oooh! a dollar!...Gundam Wing? No…can't seem to find it anywhere in here….

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The first thing the pilots noticed upon reaching the seemingly abandoned satellite was that getting through the series of unused passages to reach the innards of the satellite would be more difficult than planned. On the blueprints the paths were clearly laid out and remarkably easy to follow for such an old satellite. Most old space structures were built with more economy of materials and space in mind rather than comfort, so it came as a shock that the "underground" passages were so spacious in the designs. Coming upon them in actuality however proved to be disappointing.

"The blueprints showed that these tunnels were at least three meters tall!" Growls Duo.

"The designer was either crazy or an utter moron," Wufei says in whispered awe of the massive mistake made in the blueprints.

Before the four former pilots lays the only tunnel opening accessible from the side of the satellite they were currently on. As per the diagrams the tunnel was just where it should have been and free floating from the "borrowed" Preventor's shuttle to it had proved no obstacle for the battled hardened young men. The only problem was that the tunnel was not three meters tall as they had originally calculated, but three feet.

"Alright, which one of us made the calculations," Duo says accusingly, knowing full well that Wufei was in charge of that area.

"My calculations were correct, _Maxwell_. I did them four times just to make sure!" Wufei shouts back.

"Well obviously _someone _made a mistake," Duo retorts hotly.

"Most likely the designer," comes Trowa's calm response, "This satellite is old enough to have been built by both the Americans and the Japanese. Perhaps they just forgot to agree on which standard of measurement they would use."

Trowa smiles a little at his wit before melting under Duo's withering glare.

"For one thing, that's completely idiotic Tro. For another, NASA used the metric system. Not like I'd expect a _European_ to know something like that!" Duo says with no little venom.

"Will you three shut up? You argue more than little children. We're here to help Cat, not stand around fighting. Let's go." With that Heero hunkered down and began pushing himself through the tight opening, his body made bulky by the cumbersome space suit.

"Well! I guess that settles that!" replies Duo, his tone laced with sarcasm at Heero's abrupt enforcement of command.

"Duo, just settle down. We know you're worried. We're all worried. We'll get him back, you'll see." Trowa lays a friendly gloved hand on Duo's shoulder and helps him enter the tiny tunnel after Heero.

"Thanks Trowa," Duo's voice is soft but over the helmet com-channels that pick up everything Trowa can hear the appreciation in his voice.

Wufei and Trowa too clamber into the awkward space and the four soon build up a rhythm to propel them through the space as quickly as possible.

The route firmly memorized, Heero soon brings the group to the end of the tunnel and the group exits into a warehouse-like structure. The walls and "ceiling" stretch out and above them. Along one entire wall are gigantic windows that show the darkness of space in all its cold glory. In the middle of the room is a small but well kept shuttle.

"Hey Heero? How come this docking bay hasn't been pressurized? Shouldn't there be people walking around in here?"

"I'm not sure Duo…I can only imagine that they have a good reason for turning this room into a vacuum. It is the only docking bay on this satellite. They either want to keep people from getting in or…"

"Or stop people from escaping!" Duo says excitedly, "Do you think maybe…?"

His thought trails off, but every pilot is thinking the same thing. Suddenly the possibility that Quatre is on the satellite is greater than ever.

As one the pilots push up and out from the tunnel opening forming a human chain as they go: Duo grabbing on to Heero's ankle and Wufei onto Duo. Trowa, the last out of the underground tunnel, hooks his feet in the lip of the exit and with a skilled flick of his arms redirects his companion's path towards the double doors that lead to the main buildings on the satellite and grabs on to Wufei as they change direction. In no time they touch down beside the first door, their magnetized soles gripping the cold steel.

-----------

**Quatre's POV**

_Starlight through closed _walls. _Six _white _cold _walls. Bright as _blue acid _sunfire _burning _through _clouds upon the Earth _every nerve ending. And I'm dreaming _placid dreams of innocence_ but I'm awake and yet there's _pain and _pain and I can't _don't want _it to stop.

Earth is _grinding against itself_ drifting _languidly _below my feet _numbed by black ice_ and I can feel it. I can feel everything. _Little flecks of star paint _that drift around _are drawn to _me. They feel like pain and joy and love and hate. They're souls? They're souls. Where's my soul? I can't see it. _He's smiling at me like I was his little boy again _but I can't see my own soul. Where is it _Father_? Where?

Someone standing above me, _brilliant_ in the inky _darkness_. Hair like _flames_, spitting and twisting about her head like something _alive_. Green eyes that carry the _depths_ _of infinity_ within them. Old eyes set in the head of a _child_. _Little child, special child…**newtype **child…_

"Quaaaatreeee…."

Is that you _mother _Sara? I can't see you! It's so _cold and dark. _There are _lights in the distance _are they _souls_ are you a _soul_ am I a soul…I think I _don't _know _where _you _are!? _Are you beside me? I can feel you. _Feel you in my bones._ Feel you in my _mind. _You're my _mother? _Lover? Father! Where are you! Help me understand…because I don't….I don't….

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The four young men decide to split up to search the premises more easily but it's hardly necessary. Within minutes of entering the building Duo stumbles over the bodies of dead men.

"Guys!" He yells, his voice strained with shock and fear, "I found something over here!"

"Will you keep your voice down!" Wufei whispers harshly but goes strangely quiet upon seeing the carnage.

"What happened here?" he asks, awe apparent in his voice.

"Looks like someone got on a Gundam pilot's bad side," Duo whispers back.

"You really think Quatre could have down this?"

"Hell ya. He's a damn good shot. See where that one got hit? Right between the eyes. It is a little odd though. Cat's weapon of choice is usually a knife. Dear God, I would never want to get in a knife fight with our little kitty-Cat. He's damn vicious…"

"Alright, alright I get the idea. I know what Quatre is capable of…it's just disturbing to see the proof of it." With that Wufei begins to pick his way carefully over the bodies and stalk off down the corridor, a quietly mumbling Duo following after, his eyes roaming back and forth over the corpses. Heero and Trowa catch back up with their comrades and walk after them down the dark corridor.

"How are you even sure he went this way, 'Fei?" Duo asks, again forgetting to whisper.

With a dark look Wufei merely nods to the carpet. Even in the dim light the trail of blood is clearly in evidence.

"Whose do you think it is?"

"Dunno. We'll find out soon enough."

Walking down the dark staircase is easy for the four experienced infiltrators and soon the first sub-basement comes into view.

The sight behind the door is far more gruesome than the bodies just above their heads. The entire floor is made up of sterile white labs, one branching off from the next. In the middle of each are smooth metal tables with wrist and ankle restraints.

"What is this place? And why do those examination tables look so…weird?" Duo says, his face scrunched up in confusion.

"Well Maxwell, if you cared to look maybe you could see that there aren't normally restraints on medical tables, nor are they usually made out of steel."

"That's not what I meant Wufei! There's something else that's not quite right…"

"They're too small."

"What Trowa?"

"He's right," Wufei says quietly, "They look like they're made for…"

"Children." Says Heero, finishing Wufei's train of thought. "You guys haven't figured out where we are yet?"

Heads shaking in negation meet the firm statement.

"We're in Dr. Azrael's labs. This is where they performed the experiments on the children of the so called 'death ward.' I figured this would be the most logical place to take a couple of empaths. This place is so hard to find I doubt they ever thought that anyone would know where it is anymore."

The pilots can only stare at the Japanese pilot in silent horror. Duo's mouth opens and shuts several times, but nothing comes out.

The three shocked pilots soon find the truth in Heero's words as they make their way around the white tiled rooms. In every room there are large bottles of a bright blue chemical that gleams in the scant light. The eerie pale blue light thrown from the glass jars draws each pilot's gaze.

"Anyone know how to read Arabic?" Duo asks, his fingers trailing over the flowing script imprinted on the glowing jars.

"No time to waste on looking at stuff Duo, we need to look for Quatre. He may be injured," Trowa's quiet voice comes floating out of the gloom.

"Right. I just don't know how all this stuff got here. I mean, I thought all of this was destroyed by OZ or someone to cover up what had gone on here."

"I don't know Duo. All this stuff would be pretty damning if it was ever released to the public. Maybe they thought it had been hidden well enough and didn't feel the need to destroy what obvious took a long time to create. I mean, look at this place. Someone went through a lot of trouble to make sure that this place wouldn't be found in a hurry. And if it was, who would think to check in the basement when the upper floors are so normal?"

"Guess that's as good a reason as any." With that Duo continues his search of the perimeter, looking into storage lockers and quietly calling out for his lost friend.

"Hey guys," Wufei says from the adjoining lab room, "I don't think anyone's down here or has been here for a long time. Besides, I lost the blood trail back at the stairs. They're probably down on the next level. Let's go."

------------

**Quatre's POV**

_They're all nattering at me. All of them at once. The hideous part of the human mind, screeching, biting…voices chattering in my mind. I can almost feel them scrabbling over my skin, their emotions and thoughts like little claws pricking me all over._

_They don't even sound human anymore. _These aren't the bright _soul fires _of a few minutes _or was it years _ago. They want me to go under. They're pulling me down. _Into the ocean of bright blue acid _and _emotions _which aren't even just _emotions _anymore but the _hideous thoughts of something not quite _alive _and not quite dead. _That's what the human subconscious is. _And I'm drowning in it_.

Someone help me.

Someone please help me!

I _don't_ want to _drown_!

I _don't_ want to die because of what comes after.

There's pain at first. But after the _darkness comes _there is more than pain, there is _Pain. Pain from a million souls _dead _wanting to be _alive _saved. And beyond the _dead _souls there is a great _emptiness. _An _emptiness _that stretches past the _horizon.

_Father are you there? _

Mother…? _are you there?_

_It's _not_ where the little children went. The ones that went into the _flames. _I led them somewhere else. Past the _pain _and_ _pain. They became part of the _stars. _Their souls were not like these souls _dead. They were bright flecks of star paint _and the ones here are a great _nothingness_. They are the nothingness of the stormy ocean. They come into me mouth and draw me under the waves._

_Someone help me!_

_I don't want to become part of them! I _want to go with the _children because I am a _child.

_The souls of the dead are more alive than the souls of the living…_

_There is such _pain _within the world. Such _sorrow. _Is this where human minds are meant to reside? In this cold stormy _hell? _I don't want to see it anymore! I don't want to be a part of it anymore because it's _drowning me!

Someone please!

_Arms around me. Bright flames of hair above me. The smell of _boys_ and fear. _Sara smells like lavender…

_Flashes of movement. Picking me _up from the _wa_ves. Drawing me out of the ocean. I'm safe and I'm warm. And there is only pain and not _pain…the pain is flowing through me and out of me like a peaceful river…_

There's blood on my hands. There's blood on her hands. My blood on her hands.

Smell of too sweet copper. Smell of sweat. Smell of lavender…

_I'm floating…I'm floating…_I haven't drowned yet.

* * *

Whew! That was a hard one to write. Don't worry if anyone…or everyone…is confused. I'll clear stuff up in the next chapter! Thanks for those of you who reviewed the last chapter. Your feedback is what helps me come up with ideas for the next chapters!

-NostalgieMalaak


	16. Fears, Friendship, and Vanilla Ice Cream

Drowning: Chapter 16

**Fears, Friendship, and Vanilla Ice Cream**

Pairings: 4xOC, 1xR, 2xH

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing, kissing (het.)

Notes: Thanks to those of you who are sticking with this story, I'm so sorry it's taken so long to get this update out! Also, thanks to all of you who review! I really appreciate the feedback.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, but this story is mine. Oh yes, this story is mine.

* * *

They say that the road to recovery is often long and hard. They also say that the best cure for an illness is chicken soup. Hell, they say a lot of things that when it gets right down to it are as false as sunlight in the colonies.

Within days of being 'rescued' I am back home and trying to resume normal life without the nasty chicken soup, thank you very much.

I still hold that I was doing a pretty good job of helping me and Sara escape. In fact, I doubt there was any reason at all for the guys to have to show up.

Ok, that's a lie. I'm not so mentally unstable from all that has happened to know when I'm up a creek without a paddle. Truth is, I'm not really sure what happened back there. Sara's been trying to explain it to me. Sara. I honestly don't know what to think of her at the moment. Ever since we've come back there has been none of the closeness that I felt in those last frantic moments before my empathy went crazy. In fact, if anything she's been cool and distant towards me, always talking to me in the tone of voice that doctors take on when examining their patients.

Quite frankly it's pissing me off.

"It would appear that back in the labs your body, probably from so much stress and shock from blood loss, couldn't protect you from your growing empathy anymore. It just sort of gave up and let everything in. Not only that but your other ability, the one that lets you project your emotions on others, went out of control as well. Those men…they…"

For the first time since she's started talking to me a bit of emotion creeps into Sara's voice. No doubt she's remembering the last of the kidnappers I killed in the cell block. Duo told me after I regained consciousness in the hospital that those men had literally torn themselves apart from the pain. Blood and bits of brains were seeping out of their ears.

With quiet and clinical determination Sara pushes back her emotions and continues her thoughts on the matter, "I can only assume that I wasn't affected by it because you were trying to protect me and not hurt me. From what I could tell about your emotional state after you stopped projecting you were vacillating between your episodic state and consciousness. It felt as though you were letting everyone and everything in, like you couldn't shut any of it out."

"Yes, that's what it felt like," I say quietly, all the while thinking that if she doesn't show a little emotion here and soon I'm going to scream.

"It would appear that now that your body is nearly recovered it has once again reverted back to keeping almost everything out, including physical pain. This can't go on forever though; sooner or later not even your mind will be able to handle shutting everything out. You'll be like you were back in Dr. Azrael's labs."

"What do you think I can do about it?" Oh wise and all knowing Sara.

"You need to find someone else that can keep your empathic abilities in check until you can slowly let them expand. That way you'll be able to control whatever level they're trying to be at right now."

"And who do you think that will be?" And of course it won't be you because you have decided that I am now and forever the dumbest most insignificant excuse for a non-human being that you have ever known, you ice queen.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks, her eyes narrowing in annoyance. I'm surprised she hasn't caught on to my little inner monologue. But then again, it's not her that's delving into the realms of telepathy at break neck speed.

"Nothing. Nothing at all," I say in my coolest spoiled-rich brat voice.

"Well that's no surprise," she retorts.

We're still sitting imobile, glaring at each other for all we're worth when Wufei walks into the room. He gives Sara such a look of disdain that even I wince before curtly informing us that dinner is ready.

----------

Dinner is a quiet affair despite there being so many people crowded around our kitchen table. We really should be eating in the dining room but none of us have been able to bring ourselves to eat there after Father died. We always ate in there with him. It would feel…empty…without him seated at the head of the table. Perhaps someday I will sit there, in his place, but not for a good long while. I miss him. I wish he was here.

The episodes continue as before, but as Sara says, it's only a matter of time before the stress of them breaks through my physical barriers and I am permanently stuck in the pure flood of empathy. It frightens me more than I could ever let on.

Dr. Azrael's trial date has been set already. While Sara and I were being rescued a message came in from the prosecuting lawyers. They want both of us to testify. As the only living children from Arael's wing of what news reporters have ingeniously named the "Newtype Holocaust" we are expected to provide much of the evidence against him. I wonder why that sounds so familiar. Newtype Holocaust. I've heard it somewhere before…

No matter. I am actually a bit scared about the upcoming proceedings. Me. A Gundam Pilot, afraid to get up and talk in front of people. But really, this is so much different than simply giving a speech. I will be publicly announcing myself as a Newtype. My family is preparing for it as best as they can, but I know there will be a lot of animosity aimed at me. This isn't what really bothers me though. What bothers me is that I'll have to see him again. Dr. Azrael. Honestly, I don't know what I'll do when I see him. I've imagined so many times what I would do to him for making me suffer. For making my family suffer.

Heero and the others are working on taking back as much information from the underground labs as possible. The scientists who had remained behind to destroy the written evidence, and the lives of as many children as the furnaces could hold, had all been killed by the rebel group Red Dog, but not before issuing instructions to the escaping members of their sick group.

The written evidence had been destroyed, but Red Dog never thought to take the evidence left by the mere presence of the labs. They had been too horrified by what they found in the cells below the Death Lab; the emaciated bodies of two little children, the only ones left, the veins in their body glowing with blue chemicals-even their eyes seem to glow with unholy light. The rebel fanatics believed that they had come upon demon children.

The remaining children from the different experimentation groups plus Sara and I were put into a small transport ship and sent in the direction of the L4 colony cluster. The few of us who had survived the lab, the furnace that had claimed so many at the very end, and the cold trip across space were placed in a hospital immediately. I can't remember the children from the other labs. Later I would learn that besides myself there were only sixteen children who survived everything.

The colonists, enraged by the treatment of their children, returned to the satellite that Red Dog had found. Upon arriving however, the labs, cells, and furnaces were nowhere to be found. There was no time for a more thorough investigation before the Alliance came and reclaimed it.

Heero's theory is that the Alliance paid White Flame to come in after Red Dog had left and then been demolished and remove the last traces of evidence. Getting rid of the labs would have been easy, but the scientists wanted to have a place where someday they could continue their work. The furnaces and the bottom two floors of the entire structure had been lowered until only the office space above had remained visible. It was a clever idea, and one that had obviously worked. During the war after the Alliance fell records of the satellite and what had occurred there had been lost. White Flame returned to the abandoned satellite, claimed it as their own, and built stairwells and elevators leading to all levels of the labs. If not for White Flame reopening ways down into the labs they would have been lost forever.

Currently Relena's people were exploring the disused labs, trying to gather enough evidence from them to convict Dr. Azrael.

And I am preparing to go on the stand and testify against the man, all the while fighting back the tempest that lies inside me. I can feel it coming. It is only a matter of time. I just hope that I can last out until after the trial. I want to help convict Dr. Azrael. I would like nothing better than to see justice served for the wrongs that were done to me and Sara.

----------

There's a strange sound coming from the bedroom just down the hall from mine. I wonder who's still up at this time of night. It's Sara's room. It almost sounds like…it sounds like she's crying.

Slowly I creep towards her room and push open the door. My crippled empathy is telling me that she's hurting. Not like I really needed to be psychic to figure it out.

"Sara? Sara, it's me Quatre. Can I come in?" I ask, still lingering at her doorway.

"What? Quatre? I…you can come in I guess." The room is suddenly flooded with the soft light from her reading lamp. I can tell she's been crying for a while now, even though she's trying to hide it. Her eyes are red and puffy and her breath is coming out in little hitches.

I gently sit next to her and take her hand in mine. Her hand is so soft. I try not to hold too tightly both to prevent startling her and so that the rough calluses on my hands don't scratch her smooth skin.

"What's the matter?" I ask after a time.

"It's…nothing. No really. I shouldn't tell you."

"Why not? Wait, I have an idea. Come with me."

"Where are we going?" She asks, her eyes so wide they remind me of a startled kitten's.

"You'll see," I reply in a secretive whisper.

I'm suddenly struck by how childlike we both are at the moment. Both of us barefoot and in our pajamas sneaking down to the kitchen to get a snack. I haven't let go of her hand. It feels nice in mine. She suddenly giggles like a young girl. She must have caught my own feelings.

Teenage-hood suddenly imposes upon the childhood fantasy I'm having when I notice that I'm slightly aroused. Must be being this close to her…and she's not wearing very much clothing…just a pair of pajama pants and a tank top. She's not wearing a bra…Quatre get your head out of the gutter! Allah! You get a nice moment with a girl and you have to ruin it by giving in to your stupid teenage hormones!

Great, now my palms are sweaty. I really hope she doesn't notice.

This is so different than being near any of the other girls, like Relena. Sure I knew that Relena was taken and that Heero would throw me off the roof of a tall building if I had ever come on to her, but I never felt that way about her. She was always just like one of my sisters.

Well, there was that one time in the Sanq kingdom…when I took her hand in mine…and she looked at me like…stop it! Anymore thinking about her like that just makes me a little queasy, like the thought of kissing one of my sisters. Eugh.

But Sara…being with Sara is different. I think I…no, I _know _I have a crush on her. There! I said…er…thought it! I have a crush on Sara A'Mal. I just wish she wasn't being so cold to me all of a sudden.

I lead her to the kitchen and sit her down at the worn wooden table. I then busy myself with taking out two bowls and spoons.

"All we have is vanilla, is that ok?" I ask over my shoulder as I root through the huge freezer. Stupid sisters. Ate all the coffee and mocha ice cream.

"Umm…ya. It's fine. Quatre? What are we doing?"

"Well, when I'm upset and can't sleep, I like to eat ice cream. My sisters used to make me drink warm milk but I never liked the taste."

"Ya, me too," she says with a small smile, "I never liked warm milk. Not that my parents much cared about what I liked or not…"

"That's so sad. What happened with them? I mean, my father and I didn't really get along too well after I became in his words 'a surly and obnoxious teenager'…"

"No, it wasn't that. I don't think they ever really loved me."

"What?! Why wouldn't they love you? I mean you're so beautiful and smart, not to mention a good person and…"

"But that's just it! They didn't think I was a real person. They thought I was some mutant freak. I guess I kind of am. When…when I was taken away, they didn't really mourn for me. Well, I think my mom did. I was always closer to her than I was to my father, but I didn't live with my mom. I live with my dad and my horrible stepmother. I only get to visit my mom sometimes. So anyway, when I left my dad and step mom didn't really even care. At least that's what Joseph, my brother, said. Joseph was the only one who really looked after me, loved me. When I came back, it was even worse than before. This time I was a freak with lots of emotional and health problems."

"Oh Sara. I'm so sorry. Is that…is that why you were crying?"

"Sort of. I miss my brother. I see you with your friends and your sisters and I can't help but be a little jealous. You have everything, you know?"

"I didn't used to. I mean, I was always rich and had my family…but there was a time when I wasn't even allowed outside my house. I had no friends. I had never even met another person my age before. I was lonely and after a while I began to think that I was nothing more than an experiment. A creation of my father that went wrong somehow. I didn't even think that my life had a purpose except for me to be used by other people."

"I guess we both were pretty messed up, huh? I suppose I'm a little scared too. I'm so sorry that I've been…well…a bitch to you lately." Sara ducks her head into her chest and grips her spoon a little tighter.

"You're not…a bitch," I say quietly, my face heating up as I say the word, "I have so much respect for you for staying as calm as you have through everything. What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm scared of having to testify. As much as I want to see Dr. Azrael put away forever, I don't know if I can get up in front of the entire world and tell everyone what happened to me. And…I'm afraid of what's happening to you. What if it happens to me too? You said it started when your father died. What happens if my brother should die? What would I do then?"

"You'd come here and we'd be crazy together," I say smiling. After a beat she smiles back at me.

"Did you mean what you said?"

"What, about you coming here? You're welcome here whenever-"

"No, I mean…did you mean what you said when you said I was pretty and smart?"

"Oh, that. Well, I believe Miss A'Mal that what I said was that you were beautiful. And yes I meant it. You're a really lovely person, if a bit hot tempered…and well, I don't think I've ever met anyone as stubborn."

She grins and chuckles a little, "Comes with having red hair I guess. For a blonde, you're remarkably un-ditzy."

"Oh, stick around long enough and you'll definitely get to see some class action ditzyness going on."

"I'd like to."

"Like to what?"

"Stay. Here, with you…I…I really like it here. You're sisters are really fun and you're friends are…certainly interesting. Nothing like what I expected the fearsome Gundam pilots to be like anyway! And I…I really like you too."

I don't think I've ever smiled as brightly as I am right now. She says she likes me!

"Well I like you a lot. A lot, a lot. I'm so happy you want to stay. But won't your parents want you back soon?" Please say no! Stay here with me, just a little longer.

"Like I said Cat, my parents don't really give a damn about me. I'll call my brother and my mom though, let them know I'm staying a little longer. Joseph's going to college right now, but he likes to know where I am and what I'm doing."

"Well, I'm happy to have you here. Do you think though…that maybe we could try being friends? I know you don't really like that I was a Gundam pilot and a Winner and all, but do you think you could look past that for a little while and be my friend? I don't really have a whole lot of those…"

"I'm sorry Quatre but I can't do that."

"What, but-"

"Being a Winner and a Gundam pilot are things that make you who you are today. I could never pretend like those things weren't important to you, because they so clearly are. I will be and am your friend Cat, but I won't look past who you are to gain that friendship. I like you _because _of those things. Don't ever give up what makes you _you _for other people. I was stupid before, and I'm sorry. Will you be my friend as I am yours?"

"No need to even ask," I say with a smile, "I think I liked you even before I had met you. When things started getting really bad with my empathy, I knew in my heart that you would be able to help me."

"Well, I haven't exactly been doing a good job with that…"

"No, you have! Just by being here you have helped me so much. I would have never figured out everything I have without your help. Before you came I felt so lost. I felt…like I was drowning. You're my life raft Sara. You're keeping me afloat."

"You really mean that?" She asks, leaning in close so that our shoulders are touching.

"Uh huh," I respond intelligently. She reaches a light hand out to smooth my wayward bangs out of my eyes so she can look deep into my eyes and I into hers. There's such depth and warmth in those eyes. I can see myself in her eyes. In her soul…there's light and love.

I lean forward so my forehead is resting on hers. We're breathing in and out together; her hand is resting gently on my shoulder.

Before I even have time to think she's kissing me and I'm kissing her right back.

* * *

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of "Drowning"! Hopefully it won't take me as long to write…crosses fingers

-NostalgieMalaak


	17. On Distant Shores

Drowning: Chapter 17

**On Distant Shores**

Pairings: 4xOC, 1xR, 2xH

Quatre's POV

Warnings: swearing

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

"_Lo! Death has reared himself a throne_

_In a strange city lying alone_

_Far down within the dim West_

_Where the good and the bad and the worst and the best_

_Have gone to their eternal rest._

_There shrines and palaces and towers_

_(Time-eaten towers that tremble not!)_

_Resemble nothing that is ours._

_Around, by lifting winds forgot,_

_Resignedly beneath the sky_

_The melancholy waters lie._

_No rays from the holy Heaven come down_

_On the long night-time of that town;_

_But light from out the lurid sea_

_Streams up the turrets silently-_

_Gleams up the pinnacles far and free-_

_Up domes-up spires-up kingly halls-_

_Up fanes-up Babylon-like walls-_

_Up shadowy long-forgotten bowers_

_Of sculpted ivy and stone flowers-_

_Up many and many a marvelous shrine_

_Whose wreathèd friezes intertwine_

_The viol, the violet, and the vine._

_Resignedly beneath the sky_

_The melancholy waters lie._

_So blend the turrets and shadows there_

_That all seem pendulous in air,_

_While from a proud tower in the town_

_Death looks gigantically down._

_There open fanes and gaping graves_

_Yawn level with the luminous waves;_

_But not the riches there that lie_

_In each idol's diamond eye-_

_No the gaily-jeweled dead_

_Tempt the waters from their bed_

_For no ripple curl, alas!_

_Along that wilderness of glass-_

_No swellings tell that winds may be _

_Upon some far-off happier sea-_

_No heavings hint that winds have been _

_On seas less hideously serene._

_But lo, a stir is in the air!_

_The wave-there is a movement there!_

_As if the towers had thrust aside,_

_In slightly sinking, the dull tide-_

_As if their tops had feebly given_

_A void within the filmy Heaven._

_The waves have now a redder glow-_

_The hours are breathing faint and low-_

_And when, amid no earthly moans,_

_Down, down that town shall settle hence,_

_Hell, rising from a thousand thrones,_

_Shall do it reverence." 1_

_From where I lay on a bed of still water I can see a distant shore. It's a black desert. Filled with ice and shards of neon pain. _

_In the water there are souls. The souls of the living damned, those who have not yet died but will because death is the only certainty in an unreal real world. Planets drift below like great behemoths of the deep. Nightmares from sailors of old become unreality. _

_Sailors of yesterday, spacers of today. Water and space and endless sands, all one in the same. _

_Do the souls of the dead go to that cold desert? Does God see them there and weep? _

_Such bitterness from still waters. No storms brew and seethe in the oceans, no frothy churning waves. The danger is not gone however. This is only the calm before the tempest. A storm that is only in my mind but is so real too!_

_I'm afraid to go to the black shore. Is it hell? Or is it just a place of death. I can't go there! I'd rather drown. Drown in the sea of humanity because my very humanity is dragging me under the currents. I can not remain as I am and survive. I will be awash with the pounding of a million emotions. My humanity is killing me. _

_But what is there beyond it?! What is beyond the black-sand shores? I'm afraid. There's nothing left to anchor me to my humanity. Nothing at all. _

_The cold desert shore is my despair and the blue acid snakes in my arms my punishment. They will not let me expand! They will not let me go! But I must. I must. Even if I am afraid with child-fear I must move beyond the black sands of my childhood because there's no Father here to lead me out anymore. No Father here to keep me from going under water or sinking sands. _

_I need to see hear _feel _beyond my humanity. Only then can I touch foot on solid ground. Only then can I see the beauty of the distant shore and not the pain. _

_I can't make it on my own! I need help…oh please don't let me drown! I need someone to guide me. I need a guide past my withering humanity so I can see the true shore, past the blood red see of space and bitter emotion. Past the black shores of my horror. _

_There is a tempest boiling within me. Someone please help me before I destroy myself!_

_----------_

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, as always happens, they do. I had thought that after a night of fragmented dreams and horrendous visions my mind would let me have some respite. Oh how wrong I was.

It seems as though my messed up empathy has taken to switching back and forth between letting barely anything in and letting massive amounts of emotion in. Currently it has decided without any consideration to my wishes to make me feel every raw emotion that my friends and loved ones can throw at me.

This is going to be the trip from hell.

"Duo! Duo! Stop that!"

"Geez Hil, you're such a party pooper!"

"I am not! I just think that I'd rather not **die **in a horrible shuttle accident because my stupid boyfriend wouldn't leave the airlock alone!"

"Do you really think that I'd be so stupid as to mess with a shuttle!? I _know _what I'm doing. I happen to be one of the best mechanics I know! I'm just _checking_-

"Will you shut up! Jesus! You're the most egotistical bastard sometimes!"

"I'm a _pilot! _I'm allowed."

"You're a dumbass! And I'm pretty sure you're _not_ allowed!"

Dear Allah! Why me? Why now? My poor head is going to explode!

The shuttle is jammed full of not only Sara and I, who are really the only ones who _have _to go to Earth to testify in the trial, but all the pilots, their respective partners, and all my sisters have decided to accompany us. All in all there are sixteen of us crammed in here together and it's fifteen more people than I can freaking handle right now.

Thankfully Isra managed to come home and is now traveling back to Earth with us. She's always been one of my most calm sisters. She and Irea have been in quiet conversation since we've left. My other sisters have taken to playing travel board games and cards and generally making as much noise as possible while doing it.

"Samirah, will you shut up!" I growl out. She hasn't stopped talking since we boarded five hours ago!

"You shut up," She throws back.

"I'm not the one who's been talking non-stop since we got on the fucking shuttle! Don't you ever shut up? Allah, no wonder Father was always yelling at you!"

"Quatre! Don't talk to your sister that way!"

"But!-

"No! Now both of you be quiet."

"You always take her side in everything. Of course you won't yell at her 'cause she's your sister and you girls always stick together! I could never mean as much to you because I'm just a stupid guy!" I'm being a baby and I know it, but I can't seem to get control of myself.

"You know that's not true Cat- Wufei! Stop strangling Duo!"

"I will if he stops being insufferably annoying!"

"I'm not annoying, you're just a dick!"

"Ya well, Quatre, I may talk a lot but at least I'm not an empathic _freak!_"

"You take that back!"

"Stop squirming Maxwell!"

"Bite me Chang!"

"Bitch!"

"Bastard!"

"Test-tube freak!"

"Look who's talking!"

"Will all of you shut the hell up!!!"

Funny, I don't think I've ever heard my sister Qamra swear before. Her outburst gets the desired effect however and the zoo of a shuttle goes quiet. Finally. My head is pounding. Sara is looking at me sympathetically and hands me some aspirin from her purse. I mumble a sulky "thank you" and huddle down into my seat. She probably thinks I'm really immature now. I really should know better than to get upset at my sisters, but sometimes they drive me crazy!

Trowa pats my hand understandingly. His lips are quirked up in that funny little half-smile of his. _You only have one sister to deal with,_ I think at him all the while giving him a black look of death. He just chuckles.

"I hate to tell you this Cat," he whispers in my ear, "but you never look intimidating when you do that. You look like an angry five year old. I wonder if Sara notices how cute you are when you get all pouty."

In response I slug him in the arm. He just laughs more and goes back to reading his paperback novel. Stupid Trowa. Stupid sisters. Stupid people!!! Aghhh!

With all the stress of the upcoming trial and my freaked out empathic abilities all I want to do is go home and bury myself in my nice warm bed for about a hundred years.

------------------------------

After the hellacious twenty hour shuttle ride from home to Geneva where the trial is being held, I'm ready to go into a coma. I don't think I've ever been as emotionally exhausted as I am right now. Not even after the most intense of battles in my Gundam.

Relena was kind enough to reserve us the several very nice rooms at the finest hotel in the city. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and forget about everything that has happened, but before I can do that Sara and I are meeting with the prosecuting lawyers.

"Mr. Winner!" the portly attorney who looks like he's in charge shouts across the lobby of his huge office building. The building housing the government's law firm is massive. It's almost as big as the main Winner building on L4.

"Mr. Winner…and Ms. A'Mal! So good to see you both! My name is Mr. Jameson and I'm the head prosecuting attorney in this case. I trust your shuttle ride was pleasant?"

Sara and I exchange wry looks. The only way that shuttle ride could have been any more _unpleasant _is if Dr. Azrael himself had been there.

"Well, hurry along this way. Most of the team is here to meet you. Tell you what, the government pulled out all the stops on this case. The people really want to see this bastard put away!" booms Mr. Jameson.

The man's gruff voice and cheery comments are starting to get on the nerves that haven't been shot on the trip here. I really hope this guy is up to the challenge of this case.

The rest of the team alleviates my fears however as we're introduced to them. They show themselves to be the best of the best. Many of them want to see Dr. Azrael put away as badly as the people of L4. As we get into talking about the case after introductions I can see that Mr. Jameson's personality is a great disguise for his extreme brilliance as a court-room attorney. I wonder how many cases this man has won. Probably almost all of them. I was deceived by his friendly manner and easy-going style of speech and I'm supposedly psychic!

It becomes clear through discussion with the many talented lawyers in the room that they are horrified by what has been done to us. We barely manage to explain the very basics of the happenings in Azrael's labs before Mr. Jameson calls the meeting to a halt, saying that they'll gather all the information from us after we've had a good rest. I can't agree more. Allah I'm tired.

------------

"So what did you think?" Sara asks from across the table in my hotel room, various food containers scattered across the surface.

"Well…he's certainly different. But I'm sure he's very capable of doing a good job on the case," I reply.

"Yes, I wasn't so sure of him at first, but after getting to know him and the other lawyers I'm sure everything will be fine." We eat for a while before I notice that Sara has a far-away look on her face.

"What is it Sara?"

"Oh, it's nothing. This is my first time to the Earth. Did you know that? Well, things are so very different here. It just…I dunno…_feels_ different. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, I felt the same way when I first came here. It feels so alien, don't you think?"

"Sort of. Like I'm an explorer stepping onto a foreign world." She giggles a little. "Except it almost feels a little like home too. I always imagined what Earth would be like. I never expected to feel this way."

"You need to go to the desert then. It feels strange, but in some ways it feels more natural than the other places on Earth. Feels even more like home. I never really get used to being on Earth though. For me, the desert is the only place that's even close. And even that feels so different to me."

"The people are certainly different here." Sara says, scrunching up her nose.

"I know what you mean. We colonists, and especially Arab colonists, are quite different from people on Earth. We tend to be a bit more old-fashioned. My father always taught me to be patient and soft spoken in all my business dealings. To use persuasion and handle difficult problems in a calm and often secretive manner was always stressed. Mr. Jameson certainly took me by surprise."

"I know what you mean. My father…really my family…was from Saudi Arabia. My great-grandfather came to the colonies after so many of the practices of the country were no longer tolerated by the Alliance. He passed on a legacy to all his sons and their sons to uphold the old traditions of that country. When…when I was little my father divorced my mother. She had become ill from some space virus and could no longer have children. My father wanted more than just Joseph as a son because in his eyes Joseph was weak for loving his baby sister.

"In accordance with the law and with what my father had been taught, we were both to be raised by him and his new wife. I was lucky enough to be able to persuade him to let me see my mother sometimes. If he hadn't let me, I would never have seen her again. It's enough to make me hate the traditions of our people! A supposedly enlightened and advanced people!"

"I'm so sorry Sara. Even amongst our colonies it appears there are differences. We no longer have such laws. My family abolished such things when they came to the colonies and before that our family wasn't so strict. We hail from the North African Middle East. Civil war pushed us and many families into space. Because so many different people and social laws came from the African countries to our colony there was no way to set down any laws from those countries. We had to start from scratch."

"You're very lucky then. I suppose I'm just bitter. I've been thinking about my arranged marriage a lot lately."

I forgot she had told me about that. Being around my sisters who were so much freer than she was must have been difficult.

"Do you know who you must marry?"

"No. We have never met. All I know is that he is older than I by many years."

We finish our meal in silence. I don't know what to say after such admissions. All I can think is how stupid I have been to think about the silly crush I have on her when she's not free to even choose who she can like.

"Maybe this planet will soothe my troubled heart," she whispers softly as she clears away the table.

"I hope so too. Earth is a beautiful place. One could be very happy here I hope you can be happy here. At least for a little while."

"You love space very much, don't you? I can see it in the way your face lights up as you speak of it. You're very proud to be space born. I would be too if I can come from as great a family as yours…one that suffered so much that only their strengths survived the years of harsh living. I suppose Earth, though it feels so strange, could become like a home for me if I were given the chance to live here. But for you…for you it will always be an alien world. It will always just be a strange distant shore across an ocean of space."

* * *

I'm not sure if Civil war was the reason so many Arabs left Earth for the colonies, but it would seem like a plausible idea. According to the AC timeline the Arab nations played a bid role in colony expansion, probably as a way to earn money after the oil resources dried up. I imagine that a pacifist family like the Winners would have left the Middle East for the colonies as much for the business venture as to escape the conflicts between nations.

-NostalgieMalaak

1 "The City in the Sea" by Edgar Allen Poe


	18. Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Drowning: Chapter 18

Pairings: 4xOC, 1xR, 2xH

**Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night**

Quatre's POV

Notes: Woo, this one took a while to get out. I had to keep starting it over because everything I wrote was crap. I think I finally got it so it's decent.

Warnings: language, angst

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

_Do not go gentle into that good night,  
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. _

_Though wise men at their end know dark is right,  
Because their words had forked no lightning they  
Do not go gentle into that good night. _

_Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright  
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. _

_Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,  
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,  
Do not go gentle into that good night. _

_Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. _

_And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 1_

They now say that my father was one of the greatest pacifists of the age. His words of peace and fortitude carried the people of many colonies through the dark days of oppression and then war. Such a tragedy that he didn't live to see the new era, they say.

He battled against oppression with only his words and his heart, much in the way the great pacifists did; Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., our late great Heero Yuy. A man of great foresight and the warmth to nurture even the coldest hearts.

His death had been tragic, yes…but necessary. That's what they say anyway. A martyr was born the day the great man died. He would go down in history along with the other mighty pacifist families like the Peacecrafts. His death had brought about a new age, a new understanding. He awakened the hearts of all colonists with his final brave act.

I wonder what all of "them" would be saying now if it had been there father who was killed at the hands of the very people for whom he spoke so eloquently. I had not wanted my father to die. Better it should be me, a killer, than such a one as he. I had not wanted my father to die because for all my worldly experiences and maturity I was a fifteen year-old boy who wasn't ready to let his father go yet.

And now I'm a year older and still not ready to let him go. It isn't just that it was he who was my link to humanity, he who held the torrents of empathy at bay. He was my only parent. We laughed together and fought together and cried together.

I remember one morning very clearly. He woke me up early and took me down into our big kitchen with the wooden table. The floor was cold on my bare feet so he let me wear his old slippers. They were ancient and so beaten up that they were falling apart at the seams and much too big for my small feet. Because they were his though, they were the warmest slippers in the world.

We made pancakes for all my sisters that morning. My father and I worked for hours getting breakfast ready for them, and the whole time we never spoke one word to each other. We didn't have to. Occasionally I would smile up at his weathered face and he would smile back, perfect teeth showing a little behind his bushy mustache, his eyes dancing merrily with camaraderie. At eight o'clock he turned on the radio to catch the hour special of old Arabic tunes. My father had a beautiful voice. Before taking over the company from his father he had been a trained vocalist. He even made a recording once long ago.

The day I made pancakes in the kitchen and listened to my father sing along with the radio is one I'll never forget.

I did not want my father to die. I miss him so much.

---------------------------

I don't think this day will ever end. I have been talking since early this morning and I'm getting tired of repeating myself. There are only so many times I can recount what happened to me so long ago without some outlet for release.

I haven't seen much of Sara since we've been here at the law firm. She's been busy with her own interrogators. I mean lawyers.

Trowa and the others have taken to exploring the city. They continue to stick by me even though this is one battle they can't fight. I know they feel restless and anxious about that. It just makes their commitment to me all the more appreciated.

"Mr. Winner? Mr. Winner we need to go back over some of your statements…"

Here we go again. I've told this particular person my story at least five times and she continues to knit pick!

I can't seem to focus on anything. I've had three episodes already today. The first two weren't very long or intense. In fact, I doubt the man I was talking to at the time really noticed. I can't remember anything he said to me. I hope it wasn't important.

The one I had in front of this woman though was much worse. After I came to, my mind still foggy with half-remembered images, she helped me sit up and gave me a glass of water. I didn't need to feel her pity, it was written all over her face. I hate pity.

I look at her face now and all I see is her mouth moving up and down and up and down. I'm really out of it today. I keep imaging everything that could go wrong tomorrow when I testify in the trial. Maybe they'll kick me off the stand because they won't believe me. The jurors will all laugh and then the bigots waiting out in the hallway will throw rotten eggs at me and my family and friends screaming "down with the freak!" or something like that.

And I can't stop thinking about my father.

More than anything else I can't get his face out of my head. It's the same as in the picture I have of him. He's a little younger in it than I last remember. I can't quite remember how he looked when he died. Was the little bit of grey in his hair noticeable from five feet? Ten? What was the exact color of his russet hair? I can't remember. It makes me sad.

"Quatre?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. I think we've rehashed this enough. Go home. Get some sleep, and try to relax. Tomorrow won't be as bad as you think."

"How has the trial been going so far?" I ask. Honestly, I haven't wanted to watch it. I didn't want to see _him_ with his avuncular looks and smart black-rimmed glasses. He would be smiling that little kindly smile and beneath his chiseled looks his soul would be black and putrefying. I don't want to see him. After this is all over I don't want to see Dr. Azrael ever again.

"Well…it's going alright."

"You do realize that I can tell when people are lying, right?" I ask her with a smile.

"In all honesty then? Not so great. Without the lack of the hard evidence against Dr. Azrael himself we're going to be counting on your and Sara's testimony pretty heavily. That's why we've been grilling you two so hard."

"What do you mean lack of hard evidence? What about the labs? What about the information that Red Dog brought back to L4? Everyone in my colony knows what happened to all of us and they know that he was a part of it!"

"The labs were totally clean. Not even so much as a fingerprint to incriminate him. As for this information like the video tapes and documentation that was spread around L4? It was all destroyed within hours of being released. The rest of the world and near space haven't found out about this until now because of the lack of evidence and then the lack of communication between colonies during the Alliance's rule. There's nothing substantial to prove that Dr. Azrael is the one who did those things. The rumors fueled by your colony may be true, but we're having a hard time proving it."

I can't believe it. They can't _prove it_? What the fuck is that! He's guilty as hell! I know what he did!! I _felt _what he did. I've died more times than these people can even believe to understand. I died at _his _hands.

"Look, go home Quatre. Talk with that pretty Miss A'Mal and relax before tomorrow."

With that she ushers me out of her office and I'm left alone to deal with my emotions.

-------------------

"Quatre pass the popcorn, will ya?" Duo asks around a mouthful of something. Part of it's kind of leaking out of his mouth.

"Here," I say with a grimace, passing the bowl and napkin.

"Thanks bro!" And with that handfuls of the lightly buttered snack begin disappearing into Duo's mouth, the napkin lying discarded and completely unused at his side.

The five of us guys are lazing comfortably around the big tv in my hotel room. Sara took one…feel…of me and decided she was too tired to deal with all my pent up frustration and anger. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to deal with me right now either. My sisters and the other girls took her out for an evening of deep relaxation at a spa that Relena frequents. So tonight turned out to be a boys' night.

I miss spending time with the guys. There's something so nice about not having to be a 'gentleman' at every moment. I can swear all I want (though I don't think I swear that much…well not compared to Wufei anyway. He could cow an army sergeant!). I can even burp whenever I want without some girl going "eww, Quatre you're disgusting!"

We're even watching a movie I want to watch. It's a horror flick. I love them! There's nothing like being scared in a safe environment.

Trowa and Heero appear to be enjoying it as well. Their eyes haven't left the screen since it started. Wufei looks bored but I can tell he doesn't like horror movies. His bland expression is just a cover for his nervousness. He really needs to loosen up and let out a good healthy scream. Duo has eaten me out of house and home. I don't mind though. I like that he's content with just a movie and some snacks.

I've been jumping at every remotely scary part and intermittently watching the movie through the small gaps between my fingers where my hands are covering my eyes. I am a big tough Gundam pilot. Yes I am.

"Little _scared_ are we?" Duo asks with a chortle.

"Yes. Now leave me alone." I retort as I choke back a scream…er manly yell…as the evil demon child pops out of a closet.

All too soon the terrifying movie comes to an end. The tv is still on some random channel, playing softly in the background.

The feel in the room is definitely peaceful. I haven't been this relaxed in a while. Boys' night was definitely a good idea…what the? Ah…

--"'There are no reasons upon the Earth or above her in the colonies that could warrant violence of any type. We must look beyond our own human needs and desires and see humanity in it's entirety: scattered, alone, afraid. Peace is not a random dream thought up by the elite of society. It is a goal that we can all strive for because the only way that it can be brought to fruition is if everyone is of one mind. As colonists, we have learned the importance…no, the very _necessity_ of banning together as one unified body in order to simply survive. I say to you, my people, that we must once again come together for the common good. Peace is right around the corner. Can you feel it? This peace is carried within our very selves: it resides within our children. This is a time in history when the mistakes of the past must not be repeated. Our children suffered at the hands of the Alliance. Why do you think that was? It was because our children were showing us the way out of darkness and into peace. I am saying to you now that in order to survive we must follow our children and have a great love and understanding of all people. We must _empathize_ with one another…or the great people of the colonies whose hearts led them into the unknown, and who fought against all odds to merely exist in this beautiful desolate place we call our home, will not live to see the new era and neither will our children.'"--

--"'This last speech given by Mr. Winner, the former leader of the Winner Family and the civic leader of the L4 colonies, was an inspiration to us all and with the trial of Dr. Azrael some of the meanings in this speech are finally coming to light. Now on the day of his birth we celebrate this great man…'"—

"Hey Quatre?" Duo asks after tearing away from the screen.

"What Duo," I respond quietly still half listening to the tv show and watching the pictures of my Father show up sporadically.

"Did you know they were doing this special on your father? It's…well…it's really wonderful."

"No. I didn't," I say softly as I get up. Suddenly I don't want to be around anyone else. I need time to think.

"Quatre…?"

"It's ok Trowa. I just…want to be alone for a little bit."

"Sure Cat. Take as long as you need. Just remember that we're here for you. All of us…together." Heero states, his convictions shining through.

"Thanks, all of you," I say with a small smile and quietly go into the bedroom of the suite.

Flopping down on the huge bed with its silken sheets and fluffy comforter I'm assailed with thoughts of my Father. I didn't even remember that today was his birthday. How could I have forgotten? My subconscious must have known. I had after all been thinking about him all day.

I don't know when the tears started. Just a moment ago I was fine…and now this. I try to stay quiet, muffling the little sounds of grieving that are spilling out of my mouth. There's a boulder in my throat that won't go away and the shiny salt tears just keep coming, spilling into my cupped hand that rests below my cheek. It's like a miniature waterfall. Pity it's not enough to drain the torrent that welling up inside me.

I can feel sleep starting to come on. I can feel the visions starting to come…but this time I'm not afraid…that's so strange…to not be afraid for once…

_Where…where am I? Is this a vision. No, it couldn't be, could it? I don't ever remember being this lucid. Maybe it's a normal dream. Do people talk to themselves in their dreams? I'm not sure…wait. Where am I? It looks like my Father's study. The one room of the house besides his bedroom that I've been afraid to enter ever since…that day. _

_There's a slight chill crawling up my spine, like the feeling I get when someone is nearby. It feels like my father. But that can't be! He died and now those _people _are exploiting that fact for this whole stupid tv show that's going on. _

_But it…! It feels just like him. Oh Allah. Don't let him be right behind me…all dead and rotting looking! Or maybe he'll be all burnt up and frozen from space…oh God oh God oh God…please someone help!!!_

"_Quatre." It's him. It's his voice, his inflection. His tone. But it doesn't sound eerie at all. It sounds like it did when he was still alive. And I'm not feeling anything bad from him. If anything…he feels warm and alive like he always did. _

_With cautious steps I turn around very slowly. _

"_Hello Quatre," he says with a sad little smile, the small hairs of his mustache brushing his nose. He looks just fine. Like nothing had ever happened to him. _

"_Fa…Father?" _

"_Oh, my little Quatre. How beautiful you have become. My son. My son." My dream Father or vision Father, whatever the case may be, steps forward and wraps his arms around me. Even full grown I only come up to his chin. I feel like such a little boy again, but it's ok because my papa is here…at least for a little while._

"_Come Quatre. There are things I must tell you."_

_We settle together on the wide leather couch with the small coffee table in front of it. Two small cups of coffee are sitting on the glass top. My father reaches out and takes a cup, cradling it delicately in his large strong hands. Behind him are the big picture windows. Warm buttery light, so real it looks like true sunlight, is streaming in. And beyond the sunlight is the dark ocean, lapping at the ebony desert shores. I shudder a little._

"_Quatre," my father says, a gentle command to turn away from the frightening scenery. This is no dream. "Why does the water terrify you so? You were always so happy to go for a swim or splash in the bathtub. Why I remember trying to give you baths and most of the time all the water would end up on me!"_

"_This is different," I say, trying to keep the little tremor of fear out of my voice. There's no need to hide though. My father knows me so well he can tell I am afraid. "You aren't there anymore to help me. Without you, I'm drowning."_

"_Drowning in what?"_

"_Drowning in…my own humanity I guess. It's sucking me down so I'm just like all the other souls in the world. That'st where they are you know. In the ocean." It sounds so logical to me and at the same time is like utter nonsense._

"_Would that be so bad?"_

"_No…not if I was really like all the rest of them. But I'm not. I'm a freak."_

"_Ah, no. Of course not. You're unique, but only for a little while. Soon there will be many more like you, as there had begun to be years ago. There will be so many that no one will be able destroy you. You will be anyone and everyone. But I still do not understand, why are you afraid my son?"_

"_My empathy. Ever since you died I can't control it. I keep having these visions. Horrible ones that I can't remember when I wake up. When I'm here though, in this place, I remember everything. Sometimes they're about Dr. Azrael. Sometimes I'm dying again. Over and over. When I'm awake I can't control anything. I needed you to hold back the empathy until I was ready to handle all of it."_

"_But you've always been able to handle it. You're so strong. So much stronger than you would ever know. I see it in you. I helped you when I was alive but you could have reached your full potential any time. These visions of yours are what are holding you back. That…and I'm afraid to say that I am as well."_

"_I don't understand…"_

"_You must stop dwelling in the past Quatre. You are not made for the past. You are the future. You are what is to come. I left you before you could figure this out for yourself, so now I must make amends. No one person is the keeper of your soul Quatre. You love so many people and through that love they know you and love you too. It isn't your humanity that is holding you back. It's your fear of yourself. You will always have a bit of humanity within you, because that's what allows you to empathize with people. You can see a little of yourself in every person. _

"_You're strong enough to swim through this…ocean that you have created," he says with a wave of his hand toward the window, "but you must want to reach the distant shore. It isn't what you imagine it to be. Not this black desert or pain. It's the beyond. The place you know so well because you went there hundreds of times. Every time Azrael took your life you got something in return. A glimpse of what is to come. You have forgotten this my son, and so you have forgotten yourself. This is your ability. This is who you are."_

"_Then how do I reach it?" I ask a little desperately. So much of this isn't making sense but it rings of truth._

"_You have to stop fighting within yourself and holding everything inside. You can't do this alone. You were meant to feel others' and by doing so help them. Open yourself up Quatre. There are so many right at your side who love you. Share yourself with them and then you will be able to feel yourself again. Only when you do this can you find what you have misplaced. I don't say lost because you've never really lost anything. It's been within you, just buried so deep under your fear of being without me that you can't feel your own strength. Take courage and strength from the people around you. Rely on them. They won't let you drown."_

"_I'm still confused."_

"_I know," he says with a chuckle, "Just follow your heart and it will guide you to the people who love you. You'll find your peace there. Now, my son I must leave you-"_

"_No! Not yet! I…I miss you so much."_

_With a gentle hand he pushes my wayward bangs from my face and tilts my chin up to look him in the eye._

"_This is goodbye my son, but not forever. I am in a good place now. Take care of your sisters for me, and take an honest look at yourself. You're much more than you seem. Even to yourself. I love you Quatre and I am so very proud of you." _

"_Goodbye Father. I love you." With hands shoved carelessly in his pockets and another kindly smile thrown over his shoulder, he walks out the door._

It's morning in Geneva. I'll see how strong I can be.

* * *

Thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter and for waiting so patiently for this one! 

-NostalgieMalaak

1 "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas


	19. To be an Empath

Drowning: Chapter 19

Pairings: 4xOC, 1xR, 2xH

**To be an Empath**

Quatre's POV

Notes: Hmmm, well I'm not sure if anyone's still reading this story anymore but I promise I've been working on it. I think a part of me doesn't want it to end, so every time I sit down to write I get the most horrendous writer's block imaginable. But anyway, here it is.

Warnings: language, angst, child experimentation and death

Disclaimer: don't own

* * *

"_I have of late- but wherefore I know not- lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire- why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties; in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god: the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! And yet to me what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me-" 1_

His eyes were the first aspect of him that I noticed. Those same maliciously grinning eyes that seem to look out from Hell itself. Even hidden behind old-fashioned glasses which have molded themselves to the bridge of his nose I could see them. They are staring at me as I come into the room and they continue to hold my gaze. His mind whispers in mine '_death awaits you…death awaits you my child…_' I'm six years old again and that terrible sick voice is whispering those same words in the delicate shell of my ear as I lay strapped to the metal table in Azrael's lab.

There's a slight tremor running through my entire body that won't be quelled. More than once Sara looks over at me with wide eyes, like a scared doe. She's so very afraid, and I'm not sure that it's only Dr. Azrael and the whole courtroom that's frightening her. She won't let herself feel me.

There's a small clock resting above the judge's head, dolefully measuring out the time, each movement of the second hand causing a little shudder to run between my shoulder blades.

Duo, Trowa, and Heero are sitting directly behind Sara and I. Beside them are Wufei and the girls. Wufei apparently has given in to Samirah's persistent looks and aggressive manner towards him and is letting her sit next to him, a small smirk playing on both their lips.

How much longer? We've already been here for two hours! The anxiety, both my own and that of others, is creeping up on me, like an itch that can't be reached. It isn't helping either that Sara keeps shooting me these terrified little looks. That and the constant murmur of Dr. Azrael's thoughts against my mind. '_death my child…'_

Calm yourself Cat. Just be calm and slow down your breathing. There's plenty of air here on Earth, no need to be gulping it up like that.

More than once jurors, media, and general people there to view the trial turn to look at us, wondering who the two sickly looking teenagers are and what they're doing here. Surely they must have realized? Can't they look at us and know? I feel like I'm on display. How could anyone not look at me and know what has been done to me? The small tattoo, Azrael's sigil, on my shoulder feels uncomfortably warm, like it's ready to burn its way through my suit and provide silent testimony to my past. Absent-mindedly I try to rub it through the cloth. Nothing helps.

Sara notices my fidgeting and places a hand on mind. It's too hot! Her skin feels too warm against mine and I angrily brush her off. Heat comes into her eyes at the gesture. Red hair, heated eyes, hot skin. I can't even look at her right now.

"_O, what noble mind is here o'erthrone!_

_The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword,_

_Th'expectancy and rose of the fair state,_

_The glass of fashion and the mould of form,_

_Th'observed of all observers, quite, quite down!_

_And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,_

_That sucked the honey of his music vows,_

_Now see that noble and most sovereign reason_

_Like sweet bells jangled, out of time and harsh,_

_That unmatched form and feature of blown youth_

_Blasted with ecstasy. O, woe is me_

_T' have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" 2_

Oh God. She looks like a terrified little animal up there. Her hair is too bright compared to her too white skin. She looks almost dead with fear. The dark circles around her eyes make that resemblance even more apparent. This is not the strong fiery Sara I knew on the satellite, running through a maze of identical corridors with head held high.

This Sara I remember from much farther back in time. This is the Sara of Dr. Azrael's labs. I know her now. I remember this Sara.

"Miss A'Mal? I know this is difficult for you, but could you please just answer the question?"

Our poor defense attorney has asked her this three times now, but she continues to say nothing and stare at nothing. No. Not nothing. She's staring right at _him_.

Wake up Sara. Sara you must do this! This whole trial is basically resting on us! On our defense!

She's made me hot and my anger burns through me as well. Her head snaps around, her hands clasping spasmodically together in front of her, jaw clicking shut to hold in the scream. She's looking at me now. She's feeling me now. Oh, yes she had better.

_Say something!_ my mind screams at her. She recoils against the back of the witness stand like something has physically struck her.

What…oh Allah…what am I doing? Look at her! Look at what you've done Quatre! You've frightened her beyond all reason!

_where is the child that stayed with the dying and the dead? Where is our bright soul who guides us to the other shore? You aren't him! Where is he _Sara's voice chatters at an almost insensible level at me.

Where _have_ I gone? What's wrong with me!

"Ms. A'Mal! Ms. A'Mal!" The attorneys are all clamoring around each other, trying to reach her. They lift her off the stand as her body collapses into a shivering bundle of bright red hair and stark white features. They carry her out through the huge wooden doors at the rear of the courtroom, her eyes drilling holes into me the whole while.

The room erupts into noise, but I can barely hear it. All I can hear are her thoughts racing around and around in my mind, accompanied by the feral undertone of Dr. Azrael's feelings.

"_Is it not monstrous that this player here,_

_But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,_

…_would drown the stage with tears_

_And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,_

_Make mad the guilty and appal the free,_

_Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed_

_The very faculties of eyes and ears._

_Yet I,_

_A dull and muddy-mettled rascal, peak_

_Like John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause,_

_And can say nothing…" 3_

There are so many people watching me right now. Jurors on my left, judge on my right, masses of people in front, and then there are the cameras, their insect-like movements broadcasting every nervous twitch, every gesture, every word I make to millions more. It's enough to make me sick.

I hate people. That's what I've decided as I sit on this cold hard witness chair. I hate them. I hate the way their mouths move as they speak, forming gentle 'o's and soft crescent-like creases. I hate the way they move, without thought to their actions, relying solely on years and years of practice, years of feeling the Earth pull them securely to her like a protective mother. I hate the way they sound, so many different pitches mixed together that make waterfalls and rain showers of noise. Mostly I hate the way they make me feel. I don't want to feel you! I don't want to feel what we used to be! I am not one of you. Never have been. Never will be. I am something else. I am something beyond. I hate you because I can never be you and that is what is ripping me apart right now.

"Mr. Winner, could you please state your full name and occupation for the court."

"Quatre Raberba Winner, part-time CEO of the Winner Family and Company."

"How do you know the Dr. Azrael?"

"I was used in his experiments during the Newtype Holocaust. They called us Azrael's children."

"How old were you when this occurred?"

"Six. I was there for a year and a half."

"Do you mind telling us what went on in Dr. Azrael's experiments? What is was like to be there?"

"…They started with killing and ended with killing. That pretty much sums up our experiences there." I can tell that that wasn't what he wanted to hear. It wasn't what we had discussed I would be saying.

"Could you elaborate please."

"I don't remember how I got to the satellite, or even much about it…but I remember the killings. They…they took those of us with the most potential and divided us into five groups. Each group was put under a head doctor and assigned a name and wing of the laboratories. I was put under Dr. Azrael and his staff in what was called the Death Ward, for obvious reasons."

"And those are?"

"Azrael is the angel of death. Only makes sense I suppose…especially after we found out what they would be doing with us."

"You mentioned that it started with killings…?"

"Those children that didn't meet their standards were shot to death in the main hanger. Their bodies were burned." For all the emotional turmoil roiling within me…I can't help but feel detached…apathetic…as if this was happening to someone else.

"How many children were left after this? Or put into your…ward, if you will?"

"I don't know. There were more children in the other 'wards' than in mine, that's about all I know. None of the other scientists had much hope for Azrael's project. They didn't think it would work and would simply waste good test subjects."

"Was their goal for experimentation then? If so, then why were so many children killed?"

"They wanted us all dead eventually, but they wanted to find out as much about us as they could. They did work for a military group after all."

"Objection!" The defense calls out, "That's merely speculation your honor. There's no proof that the Holocaust had anything to do with the Alliance, or they with it."

Idiot. Of course they were part of it. Stupid Alliance loving human….

"…Mr. Winner?"

"I'm sorry. Could you ask me that again please?" I ask in my most polite tone. I'm well aware of what I must look like up here, a small pale little teenager with big blue eyes and white-blonde hair. I must look quite the battered child.

"What was the purpose of Dr. Azrael's experiments?"

"Purpose?" I bite back a strangled laugh that sounds far too manic in my mind for my liking, "What purpose? There was no purpose. He just wanted to torture little kids, that's all."

"What exactly did he do?"

"We were kept separate from each other. I never saw the other children after we had been sorted. I was kept in a plain white room, like a box, with a door at one end. The lights never changed. It was always bright…and silent. Besides the actual experimentation times I had no contact with anyone. Well, at least not physical…"

"Care to explain?"

"I could still feel the other children around me. I could feel them being experimented on. I could even feel them die. They called me their little angel because I would stay in their minds as they died, so they wouldn't be alone." That definitely wasn't what we had rehearsed. Everyone in the room looks shocked. The best is yet to come my friends…

"What were the experiments like Quatre," he asks quietly, trying to reign in my wandering attention. There are so many people here…so many emotions all at once…I hope I don't freak out while I'm up here…

"I'm not…not all that sure. It's all a bit confused and mixed up. I don't…I don't really know…what happened during. I can only remember the after, and the pain that came with it…

"They would knock us out with something before they took us so I don't really remember much. I remember waking up just before…before it would happen."

"Before what?"

"Before they killed me. I remember tubes and the color blue. Bright bright blue, like the color in neon signs. Then there would be pain. So much pain…then…I dunno. Next thing I remember was waking up in my cell, not being able to move hardly. I always felt so cold and sore."

"Do you remember how many times this happened?"

"No, but the records that were briefly released said over three hundred."

"You were killed and revived over three hundred times?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell us anything else about your stay there?"

"I don't really remember much beyond that…it all kind of blurred together. I may have gone crazy at some point. I do remember the end though. The killings at the end. They just started taking children from the other wards and…burning them. They weren't dead when they did this. It was…it was…" just breathe, relax, "I don't really want to describe it."

"That's ok Quatre. I just have a few more questions for you. Do you recognize that man sitting over there?" he asks, pointing, but he doesn't realize that I'm not really with him anymore. I'm thinking about what it felt like to burn to death.

"Yes…" my voice is so far away, it's like I'm dreaming…"I saw him in my dreams…the dreams where I was floating…he couldn't hurt me there…no no…never could hurt me there…"

"Quatre, this is very important now. Did you ever see Dr. Azrael at the satellite? Did you see him put the blue chemicals into you, or order someone else to do it?"

"Couldn't…couldn't seeeee…..no, no! Don't hurt me, don't hurt me…I can't 'member…my name…my name…Quatre Quatre Quatre…" everything's falling out of focus now, everyone looks so far away. Even the jury over there, even…no! No wait! You have to believe me! I know he did it! I know he's guilty, please please just listen! They don't believe me…they think I'm a sick little boy, they won't believe. No! They must! I must show them…yes show themmmm…but how? How?

Let them in…know what it feeeellssss….yessss…let theminlettheminletthemin….

"_To be, or not to be- that is the question"_

_Do you feel me now world? Do you?_

"_Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer _

_The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"_

_My mind has suffered, and my body…_

"_Or to take arms against a sea of troubles"_

_Do you see my sea? Do you see yourselves?...Do you see? Duo…Trowa.. Wufei…Heero…my brothers in everything connected to your bright spirits… Bright stars in the water, on the beach…everywhere…that's you. I can feel you, all of you. I can feel your pain because you're still a part of me. Do you see the black desert shore? It frightens me._

"_And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-_

_No more- and by a sleep to say we end_

_The Heartache, and the thousand natural shocks_

_That flesh is heir to…"_

_I can't feel myself when I'm here because this is the beyond. When I can't stand the pain anymore, this is where I go. This is what I see. This is what I feel. This is where **that man **sent me over and over again._

"…'_Tis a consummation_

_Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep-_

_To sleep- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,_

_For in that sleep of death what dreams may come_

_When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,_

_Must give us pause…"_

_In death there is a distant shore. Is it really a desert? My father says there isn't. He says it isn't like that at all. He says I only see it like that because I've forgotten myself. Forgotten my humanity. If that's so then I'm letting you in, letting myself see the humanity within me. Can you see yourselves within me? I'm your child after all. We came from _you_. Don't abandon us now. Don't let us loose ourselves…or loose you._

"…_There's the respect_

_That makes calamity of so long life._

_For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,_

_The'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely_

_The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,_

_The insolence of office, and the spurns_

_That patient merit of th'enworthy takes,_

_When he himself might his quietus make_

_With a bare bodkin?..." _

_We will take your pain and make it well. We will take your wrongs and make them our wrongs, we will also take your love, gladly, for that is what we live for…_

"…_Who would fardels bear,_

_To grunt and sweat under a weary life,_

_But that the dread of something after death,_

_The undiscovered country, from whose bourn_

_No traveler returns, puzzles the will,_

_And makes us rather bear those ills we have_

_Than fly to others that we know not of?"_

_I have been to the distant shore and I see it now. It is nothing like I imagined! So beautiful…so much like I remembered before I lost myself. Is this what is means to be an empath? To feel as others must and do? And then to see the other side as they do? Truly, what a piece of work is man, for a soul could imagine no greater beauty than the one that you people have. _

"_Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,_

_And thus the native hue of resolution_

_Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,_

_And enterprises of great pitch and moment_

_With this regard their currents turn awry_

_And lose the name of action." 4_

_So be not afraid of what is to come, even though you will most likely not remember what has transpired today, but keep this feeling within you. Make the most of this time. Don't allow the travesties of the past to occur again. Stand firm in your beliefs! Take action as you see fit. And for this action I will be eternally grateful. For by allowing myself to feel and be felt, my own soul has been saved._

_Did you hear that Father? They can understand me now. They believe in what has been done to me…and who has done those things to me. I can feel them now, their pain and their joy. I can let you go now. I don't have to come back to this place…at least not until the proper time. When that time comes, you will be there to great me. You can take me by the hand and lead me to God. _

* * *

All quotes from _Hamlet_ by William Shakespeare

1 Hamlet II, ii

2 Ophelia III, i

3 Hamlet II, ii

4 Hamlet III, i

-NostalgieMalaak


	20. In the End

Drowning: Chapter 20

Pairings: 4xOFC, 1xR, 2xH

**In the End…To Live Without Fear of Drowning**

Quatre's POV

Warnings: language, angst

Disclaimer: don't own

Notes: this chapter has been reposted with corrections made by FlonathePrincess. Thanks Flona!

* * *

_Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods. 1_

Who would have thought that watching Duo and Wufei go at each other in a fiercely violent game of ping pong would be so relaxing?

I suppose it's because it's one of the few normal moments of my most abnormal life. My life has been strange to say the least. Or to say the most. Perhaps that sums up my life right there: the utter ridiculous strangeness of it. But I wouldn't trade it for any other life in the world.

Heero is chatting with Relena. Honest-to-goodness chatting! Every time I look over at the two of them I can't help the huge grin that spreads across my face. It's so wonderful to see him like that, so unguarded. The Heero I really know, the one that spoke kind words to me the stroked my hair soothingly on a golden beach as the tide game in, and then prompted me to play like the child I was.

Relena looks happy. I'm glad. She deserves some happiness after all that has happened to her. She looks so pretty right now too. My sisters convinced her to let them play with her hair. It's all wavy and silken. Heero keeps reaching out to touch it, smoothing it back from her face.

Hilde, like her gregarious American boyfriend, is involved in a game of some sort with my sister Qamra. I never would have imagined that sweet quiet Qamra could be so competitive! Hilde can't see it, but that Winner stubbornness is there in her eyes. She's not going to let Hilde win without a fight.

My other sisters, Lina, Helima, Rihana, Khalida, and Samirah, are watching the ping pong match. They've already chosen sides and the racket they're making cheering for "their" boy is enough to wake the dead. None are louder than Samirah though whose face is bright red from the excitement and yelling. I'm not sure what's making Wufei lose more, the pack of girls screaming around him, or Samirah standing at his elbow occasionally running her hand down his back with undisguised affection.

Isra and Irea are in the kitchen cooking something wonderful for us to eat. I wish she was home more often because she certainly loves to cook! Must be all that chemistry she had to take in college, can't seem to enjoy herself unless she's concocting something messy and wonderful.

And poor Trowa doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. On the outside he's as calm as ever, but inside I can tell he'd much rather be in a cage of wild lions.

"Wanna take a breather from all this excitement?" I ask, casting him a mischievous look.

He nods and takes off for the door. I chuckle and follow him. He's so predictable.

Once outside he lets out a sigh of relief and rubs at his temple.

"You're family is…fun," he's says after a moment.

"Ya," I say laughing, "Just be grateful that _all_ my sisters aren't here. It would be really fun then!"

"I'll have to take a rain check on that one. One sister is enough for me, I don't know how you do it Cat."

"Patience, and the ability to cry at will."

A small smile and rolled eyes are his answer to that.

"I'm glad you and the other guys decided to stick around with me…especially after…you know…what happened during…"

"Don't worry about that Quatre. What did you think would happen? We'd all go screaming to the hills? We're your friends Cat. And you…well, you're my best friend. I've never been able to say that before. That's not something I'm just going to let go of just because you're different than I am."

"Ya," I say sarcastically, "A _lot _different."

"What do you mean? I don't think you are."

"How can you say that! You felt what I did back there! I practically brainwashed those people into convicting Dr. Azrael."

"You didn't Cat. No really, you didn't! All you did was show them what you felt. What you went through. They made up their own decision about him. It was the right one too. Anyone would have done the same after feeling what you had gone through. And more than that…you didn't brainwash us. You shared something with us. I'm not sure what that was…but it was so beautiful Cat. Painful, and terrible, and sickening…but beautiful too. You know why that was?"

"Why?" I ask quietly, looking anywhere but at him.

"I think it's because you shared yourself with us. Both the bad and the good memories. We saw you, for one brief instant and it was wonderful. It's something I'm never going to be able to forget. Not ever."

Late afternoon light is splayed across the yard, turning the sand past the grass in my font yard a warm buttery yellow. I love this time of day, even if it isn't real sunlight here in the colony. Maybe Trowa's right. After all, something good came out of baring my soul to the world. Dr. Azrael won't be able to hurt anyone ever again. And my mind's okay now. That's a major victory in itself. I guess my father was right all along. This ability, as expanded and strange as it is was always there, hidden behind my grief and lack of trust in the people I should have been able to trust: my sisters and my brothers. Sharing myself with my sisters and my fellow pilots unleashed a wellspring of emotion the likes of which I have never felt. And with that balmy tempest came control and ultimately relief.

"How is Sara doing?"

Trowa's question jerks my mind out of its wanderings.

"Better. She's staying with her mother and brother on Earth. She really loves it there. After what happened at the trial the man who was arranged to marry her called it off. I'm glad. No one should have to be forced into a relationship like that with someone they don't love."

"And you two…?"

"Hmm. We're still young Trowa. I suppose now I can say I've had the first love of my life."

"I thought you really like her though."

"I did…I do. But we both have…issues that we need to work through and as much as I wanted to think so, me being around her isn't helping either of us right now. Maybe when we're older and have more control, more knowledge of what we can do. Or maybe she'll find someone that she really loves, and I'll just be that crazy kid she met in the colonies." I say with a ruthful smile.

"I don't think so. If anything, she'll remember you as that extremely wealthy crazy kid she met."

"Thanks Trowa."

"No prob."

"No, we both need time to find ourselves right now and work through what happened to us. She needs her family right now. Just like I need my family right now."

"Well that's why we're here," he says with a soft smile, staring out at the fading lights of the colony.

I return his smile with a little one of my own.

"Hey you two!" Irea calls out the kitchen window. "Come eat something! You're both too skinny!"

Trowa turns to go back inside.

"Coming?" he throws over his shoulder.

"In a minute."

"'K. Don't blame me if Duo eats everything before you get in there though."

I'm glad to be home. As much as I love the Earth, there is nothing quite like the colonies. In the hearts and minds of the colonists is such peace and contentment. They do their jobs, work together, and in the end come home to their families and friends. My father loved that about the people here. My people. As different as I am from them, I'm still a part of them. If anything this whole experience has taught me that. There's a little bit of me inside every one of them because I can share in a little tiny piece of each of them.

As strange as my life is, as terrifying and saddening and wonderful and joyful as it has been in my short sixteen years, it is also a good life. One full of memories, both my own and those that have gone before me. Those beautiful souls that have found the distant shore and found it more wondrous than can even be conceived. My father…my mother…my dear mother who I will someday ask my sisters about…and the millions upon millions of others that touched me in those brief suspended moments of death when I was too little to comprehend what death was. That is my life and it is a good life because I know what is most important to me.

Inside the home behind me are the people I hold dearest in the all of Earth and Space. They are my family and they are my friends. I couldn't live without them and I doubt I'd want to. And I know that whatever my future has in store for me, I will never have to worry about drowning again no matter what sort of ocean I'm forced to swim. I'll always have those that love me to hold me up. And when we some day have to depart for that distant shore, the millions of others that now each hold a share in a part of my soul will keep my memory alive, like a message in a bottle, floating for all time.

The End

* * *

1 Aristotle

---------

In case you wanted to know…

Some of the characters' names were chosen for a specific reason. Some of the others just have cool meanings to their names so…here is what they mean:

Quatre Raberba Winner- well I didn't pick his name but just in case you were wondering Quatre is 'four' in French (you probably all already knew this) and the name Fayiz used in the story is the Arabic name for Winner

Sara A'Mal- I just really like the name Sara…but her last name A'Mal roughly means 'hope.' In the chapter where she's introduced Quatre is looking for someone he can pin his hopes on and Sara is who he thinks of first.

Dr. Azrael- not his real name but the only name Quatre and the others know him by, named for the Islamic archangel of death, Azrael

Quatre's sisters (those mentioned in the story):

Qamra- closest to Quatre in age, I'm not sure what her name means but Qamara is the feminine name for moon

Samirah- second youngest sister, her name means 'entertaining person'

Khalida- third youngest sister, meaning 'immortal'

Rihana- fourth youngest, is a pharmacy major, meaning 'sweet basil'

Helima- means 'kind, gently'

Lina- 'palm tree'

Noya- briefly mentioned, middle sister younger than Irea, I looked up this name and it said it meant 'beautiful' but it's not an Arabic name. The Arabic name for beautiful is Jamila.

Maryam- briefly mentioned, middle sister somewhere between Noya and Irea, is the name used for Mary the mother of Jesus

Zulema- briefly mentioned, next oldest after Maryam

Irea- sister from the series, I didn't pick her name, also spelled Iria

Isra- two sisters older than Irea who is somewhere in the middle, 'journeying by night'

Altair- briefly mentioned, fourth oldest, meaning 'the bird'-when used as a name it's actually a masculine name…I first saw this name being used as a female name in a science fiction novel and just assumed it was a feminine name. Sorry for the confusion.

Nafeeza- briefly mentioned, third oldest, meaning 'precious thing' (pronounced Nafisa)

Jala- briefly mentioned, second oldest, again I looked this one up and it meant 'charity' but it's probably not an Arabic name

Kadira- briefly mentioned, oldest sister, meaning 'appreciated'


End file.
